Hi all
Well, something I promised myself I'd never do again is slowly happening. I've been resisting it for a while, been able to brush it to one side and carry on, convincing myself it's not worth it. That i'm content with loneliness. That it'll end in nothing but misery, pain and everything else that comes with heartbreak.
I think I'm falling in love.
I've liked her since I first saw her nearly a year ago. She is attractive, I'd easily say beautiful but as I've got to know her I like more and more about her. And the conversations have become more frequent and easy as they do when you get to know people better. There's just something about her that is so appealing, so attractive. Her personality, intelligence, just the way she looks and smiles. And every now and again the way she bites her lip when she's making a tough decision.
I've had to have monthly meetings with her for work, just one on ones, nobody else. We always had a little chat before and after the meeting about work and none work related stuff. She does amateur dramatics as well so we tend to talk about plays we're involved with or films and theatre shows we've seen. Also when we bump into other small talk is easy. Her office is just down the corridor from mine and small kitchen is opposite her office.
I've been involved with a play which starts next week and even though I'm not acting (I'm doing a lot of work behind the scenes) and I have asked her to come. I don't think she was that interested at first but on Friday when I was leaving I bumped into her on my way out and without any prompting she said that she would try to make it.
I know that this doesn't mean a thing. It's more than likely her love of theatre and acting that will determine if she turns up or not and it's probably got nothing at all to do with me.
And this is what I hate about feeling like this. I think about her a lot and I know it's warping my perception of things. I'm fighting to keep my head and heart in check and not read too deeply into anything. I'm just trying to be me and not expect anything at all from her. But it's difficult not to get that lift or euphoric feeling when you come away from a conversation with that person, no matter how small it is. When they just smile at you when you see them.
I know I'm setting myself up for a fall. I'm trying not to get attached and I'm hoping it's just a feeling that'll pass, even though it's been slowly building for just under a year now. My experience with C that dragged on for 2 years was a pretty fresh reminder of how much love can hurt when it doesn't go in your favour. How it can cripple and destroy you from the inside. I don't want to go through that again. I can't.
I hate being in love...
Mark