Alpina's blog post - Downs and Ups

Phillip phoned me. He told me about his trip to Linz, and finally this: he had spent a night with a woman there with who he always slept when he was in Linz. It was some kind of a custom, or ritual. It was no relationship, just a thing of the body and the senses. Like a good meal in a restaurant, he said, and it had nothing to do with the two of us.

I must have sounded like a disgruntled wife, I hated myself for it. I could feel that Phillip was uneasy, too. On the other hand I obviously disappointed him. In a way he is right when he says that love should be something liberating, not restrictive. What irks me is that he is using my own arguments which until recently I thought were true. I know I have no right to think that Phillip is MINE. Still it hurts. I will see him tonight.

Joerg and Elsie felt that there was something heavy on my mind as we were sitting in the jacuzzi, so I told them. And I could not hold back some tears. So they made me sit between them and held me, and afterwards on their bed gave me a gentle full body massage, and I didn't mind their soothing fingers anywhere on me, but just relaxed and smiled.