This is the year I will be 50. My God when I read all this - was this really me?

For those who still remember:
I still live in my lovely house in the Austrian mountains with its lovely garden and glorious view to a chain of snowy peaks. I have become 48 in May and my daughter Alpinita is 8 and goes to school. Phillip is God knows where and with whom half my age. I still work half time in the high school not too far away teaching drama and some English. Of my old friends some still live in my area, Aldo, Traudl or Tanya I sometimes meet when shopping. Helene has followed a new job. Maria sends Christmas Cards from Spain. Elsie phones me now and then. Joerg has died from sudden cancer. I have never been in the club again. What is a great help: I have a young woman from Norway called Ragnhild who is au pair in my house and here when Alpinita comes from school snd I am out. We speak English, which I enjoy, but she tries hard to learn German.

The link to this site is still on my desktop. So I looked it up last night and I started to read my old blog, and I got stuck to reading it until past three in the morning. When I went to bed, the day had started to dawn. I was always very open and direct when I took my time writing here. While reading my feelings became so strong again - something touched me deep down, it was like finding myself in an intimate time capsule. Was this really me? I thought. And my memories tell me: Yes, it was.

"What is it that keeps your sleep from being restful?" you asked me yesterday. I seem to be typical and I have heard this from many teacher colleagues: we seem to be so much involved in our jobs that we much too often dream of teaching and school. I stand before my students and I have forgotten what subject I am supposed to teach. I am asked questions in a language I am not able to understand. I come to the parents' evening completely naked.

Soon the school year will begin. I am going to teach drama and English. Fully clothed, hopefully...

Instable weather for weeks - it makes my garden green and the flowers beautiful, but there hasn't been a full day without any rain since the beginning of July. It's not too cold for swimming, though, so I use my pool daily - best before midnight to cool down before sleep. And then I dream excessively - so it's best to have a swim again in the early morning to wash away what torments me during the night.

Thanks to all the lovely people who still remember me and send me messages - after all these years, how sweet. And to those who even read again and again what I took down here in my wilder years and still show one or the other physical reaction to my words ....
Kisses to all of you - and if you feel like it: Touch yourself for me...

I would never have believed how being back in my old job brings about my old self. Those who have been reading some of my blog from yesteryear possibly know what I mean: I am back in my old business suit (to be honest: a new one as the old one has just become a little too tight). But still: the read lipstick is back on my smile and I enjoy still drawing some excited looks from students and even colleagues. Not too bad for a 45-year-old mother and it makes me feel ever so good - oh yes, soooooooooo good, it you know what I mean ....

They want to do a drama production at my old school again and asked me if I felt like doing some directoring in the next term: a few regular lessons with good pay. I agreed of course - teaching drama is what I like best and probably do best (besides sex, as my far-away husband often said).

Ok, here I come - beware of the new stage director - she is quite a woman ...

(Or: she certainly was at a time ...)

"You Can't Repeat the Past", says Nick in "The Great Gatsby" - you maybe remember the scene on the big lawn when Jay Gatsby passionately replies, "Of course you can." I have to think of that when I read parts of my blog again. Do I want to repeat the past? I have become a middle-aged almost invisible woman for God's sake - I can enter a room without people noticing me - or at least many of them. Do I want them to turn their heads for me again? There are more questions than answers when I walk through my paradidse all in the nude and look towards the white range of mountains and beyond.

The sun has done a good job - the water in my pool has warmed up considerably in the last few sunny days, and I spend a lot of time in and around it. Alpinita swims like a young dog, and I am glad because the pool is no great danger to her any longer.

We reconquer the old house together step by step - take out things I had put into cupboards, choose clothes I can still wear, put objects and furniture to where I think they belong. The shrubs and bushes in my garden need a good trim, trees will have to be cut in autumn, all looks a little wild, with its high grass and the flowers everywhere. But I love it - noone can see me in here and I may look like Eve in Paradise when I walk around to take in the familiar, but almost forgotten sights.

I have begun to swim again early in the morning and in the evening when Alpinita sleeps and the moon has come up. I have just come in now - my hair still dripping and with some gooseflesh as it is a little chilly. But I don't plan to put on anything for bed - old customs do not die easily.