Today might be the first really hot day of the season with temperatures above 30°C, and I don't have any lessons because of the finals which have begun. I have to correct essays though, but I'll do it in the way I love best: sitting outside at the pool under a sunshade and do the work there. To celebrate the warm day I have decided to wear nothing but some leopard imitation Tarzan and Jane thongs all day to feel as if I was on a tropical island instead of my alpine garden (it looks a little awkward together with my compression stockings - but who cares).

Phillip had to leave early so all I could give him was a quick hand job to ease up his obstinate morning erection. Then I remembered it was masturbation Tuesday, and after that I went swimming to pleasantly cool down. When I interpret the sounds from the kitchen correctly, Helene is also up and preparing some breakfast; she will call me down in an instant. So have a wonderful day, too, all my readers and friends, and take a break for a moment during your work to think of something really beautiful.

Our Headmaster, Old Shithead, put a note into my pigeonhole in the staffroom that he wanted to have an appraisal interview with me soon; that it was time for one because there had never been one before. (They are supposed to take place annually). It was going to be in his office at the beginning of next week. Naturally, the head of language department would be there, too, because she'd know my work better than he.

Because he and I are not going to be alone in the office, I didn't ask him if it was advisable to take some condoms along. Maybe some disinfectant for my tongue would be good, if it comes to the worst and I have to lick arses. I wonder what they are up to, now after I have spoken with the chairwoman who has been so friendly and generous towards me. Did they get orders to prepare things according to her wishes, or do they scheme against me by giving me a not so good qualification after I was absent for some time for health reasons? ("Mrs. Alpina could be a successful teacher if her students could benefit from all the lessons they are entitled to and which didn't take place because of Mrs. Alpina's poor health ---". We will see next week.

I had a relapse yesterday when I started my yahoo messenger - something I hadn't done in weeks - and I was asked if I wanted to download a new version. I said yes, and looked at it and I saw that I had access again to the chatrooms I hadn't been to for years.

So I logged on - and there they were: some old friends I hadn't had any contact with for so long, so many people who remembered me and what we had spoken about and done with each other. Some new people which I tried to pick out of the flood of opening windows - because beside all the trashy ones there must be some who are worth knowing - it's how I found everyone else. Camera windows popped up now and then, with guys smiling or masturbating into the medium. Sometimes there were more than 30 windows unopened and there were more by the second - until the system stalled and I had to reload.

As I was alone yesterday until quite late I lingered, and in one case of a good friend I allowed him to do what he enjoyed and what I seem good at: we talked amiably while he masturbated on cam, and I was there with him so he was not alone when he came with a spurt, and we went on talking for some time after his cock had become soft again, and he didn't run as soon as he had had his satisfaction - the way most do and disappoint me with it.

This is something I did often in my wilder but also lonelier past - yet it's not something I want to spend time with regularly in the future. What I did: I forgot time completely - I kept sitting for much too long, and when I got up from my computer, my leg hurt in a way I should have avoided, according to my doctor.

I have talked to the chairwoman of our schoolboard, who is in rank above Old Shitty, the headmaster, and Rosie, his stooge. And she showed a lot of understanding for my situation, particularly for my wish to take a break towards the end of my pregnancy and interrupt teaching for some time. We have agreed that if all goes well, I will stop after our autumn holidays, which is in October, and not begin again until the end of the school year, which is July of next year.

I was really pleased and more than a little proud of how positively she spoke of me and my work, of all my drama projects and the good relationship I always had with my students. She said they all would be missing me and my good influence and she hoped that I would be back next year, if it was my wish with fewer lessons than now, so that I had enough time for my growing family.

It is so good when someone gives you some praise and shows you that you are appreciated. Afterwards I walked through town and to my bus stop more cheerfully than on other days, so that people smiled at me, and I smiled back. On the way I bought a bag full of expensive Italian antipasti, and when Philippe came home, he, Helene and I had a feast with the tasty food and a bottle of fine Prosecco. What a day - the best for quite long.

Sitting together with my friend Elsie - two pregnant girls, me in my first month, she in her fifth, and already visibly so. Her tummy has this tell-tale swelling I am still far away from, and what we are doing is talking about stretch-marks.

But not only. While I am totally sure who the father is, she has begun to doubt again. Some of the long time readers of my blog know that after not becoming pregnant for years, Elsie had become a little desperate and taken to measures she is quite sorry about now. She had some clandestine sex with other guys and last December applied some of our friend Aldo's cum into herself when he didn't notice (though I did).

Who is the father of her baby? Joerg who is obviously fertile because he has fathered a child with Elsie's colleague before, little Nico? But why had it not worked before with Elsie? And why was she pregnant now, after these dubious measures she had taken to?

There is one thing that could be done to make sure, and this is to have Joerg's cum examined and to have a sperm count done. But how to do this without him knowing - was that even possible? Because asking him - the proud father of soon two - was certainly out of the question. I advised Elsie to wait - it's fairly easy today to have a DNA - test done when the baby is born. Why not let sleeping dogs lie for the moment and get some certainty later if Elsie still care for it then? And if both are happy, why try to find out what might rather hurt than please?

And what is now good against stretch-marks? Some regular exercise and some good skin tonic. We decided to share our experiences also in this.

Early morning swimming - I used to do it alone, but lately Helene has begun doing it with me - standing on the first step in the cold water and asking ourselves why we have come here. Helene's skin is also goosebumpy all over and her nipples tight - we yell as we hop in and the cold takes away out breaths. Under water the sounds are muffled, I just see a blurry sky above me and feel the water stream along my body - I float towards Helene who stands somewhere before me and grab her round the middle and draw myself towards her. She lifts me to the surface and for a moment we stand against each other for the last rests of warm skin, before we jump backwards and swim away under water like seals.

We don't stay long, but climb out soon and sit at the top of the stairs for a moment, all wet, and offer our bodies to the fresh morning sun. I hold my eyes closed for a long moment when I feel Helene's hand on my thigh, "I'll lick you if you care, just come and spread your knees". I give her a hug and kiss her cold watery cheek, "It's too cold, but let's not forget to do it soon."

Our little party last night was also thought to officially begin our pool season, as I do every year, but there was no nude swimming whatsoever because it was too cold and rainy. So we just sat around the kitchen table, had some food I had prepared during the afternoon and talked. The topics were a little limited, however, illnesses and pregnancies, pregnancies and illnesses. I was asked to tell the tale of my thrombosis and embolism in detail again, and they gave me all their good advice concerning babies. Helene has some first hand experience, and Elsie will have hers very soon. They are all very pleased for me and they make me feel more female than ever before.

I observed with pleasure that Phillip blended into the group nicely even if he does not really know what to talk to Elsie and Joerg and they are a little shy towards him. But he really gave his best and played the host perfectly. He talked a lot to Angelika who lives in his flat in town now and has started to work for his paper. And we agreed that she will be the godmother of our baby, who she is looking forward to with all her heart.

"I have to tell you that on several mornings since I found out about your baby, a fantasy of a middle-aged pregnant woman has entered my thoughts while I masturbated - who knows, next time maybe you will have the compressions stockings on, too! If such a thing as cyber-love exists then I'm in it with you." As long as messages like this from good friends reach me, who warm my heart and considerably more, I gladly return to NN and read the PMs which still regularly wait for me. Excuse me when I do not answer them very often, this does not mean I do not appreciate them immensely, but I try to keep up my blog and I hope you can take this as some kind of answer.

Although I must say I am not so pleased with it lately: I have certainly been writing better texts in the past. If I tried to put down my thoughts more coherently at the moment, I would have to write a book, not a blog. So what you can find here are just glimpses into my mind, scraps of thought or worries or fears or doubts or pleasure and joy.

What about this: I masturbated for the first time since my health problems and since I know I am pregnant. "My daughter", went through my mind, "my daughter", I moaned, "I hope you can already feel my desire and my lust - let's share this feeling which I hope will be your companion all your life." And then she felt my first orgasm since we are together, and I hope she could enjoy it as much as I did.

Today is my 40th birthday - and my first day back at school. People were so very nice to me and even students approached me and asked how I was and that they were glad I was still alive. My birthday kiss I got very early in the morning when I was still much asleep, and at the moment I am the only one home; the others will arrive in about an hour. There won't be much going on today - but tomorrow we will have dinner at a particularly good restaurant and on Saturday a few friends will come over and we'll enjoy some time together. I didn't want to have a big party - as Phillip wanted to throw one - because I think 40 is nothing to celebrate, really, rather something to mourn.

I know of course that life will go on and that it has much in store for me in the coming years, if I am lucky - but still, the idea that one belongs to the "young" certainly has to fade now. So I am sitting here, looking out into the torrential rain, and wonder what is to come - next year, in the next decade, in the second part of my life. And if I was a person who prays, this would be the moment to do so, and to ask for happiness, and that I and those who I love are spared from suffering and pain.

So much food for thought, as I walk around in my garden or in my house because I should not sit for too long periods and make sure the circulation in my legs is not hindered. I am here in my study now and looking out over the pool. Next to it there is Helene, naked on her towel, enjoying some morning sun. Her eyes are closed; she is relaxed and it seems that her wonderfully tanned skin is being caressed by the sunbeams. Now and then her hand moves over her body - because of a sudden itch, because she wants to feel herself?

She was a great help in the last few days, sitting at my hospital bed, helping me come home and settle. She is so discreet, didn't sleep in the house when I was away (I have noticed that Phillip was discreet, too, doing the same). She will prepare dinner as soon as I am back from the doctors in two hours.

But what will happen when I am becoming plump and unattractive, moody and selfish, when I stop work myself and am in the house all the time? Will she not be just too attractive, too great a temptation for Phillip? I must talk to her and tell her of my fears and that I won't, I won't bear anything that goes on behind my back.