Here is your invitation to Thanksgiving dinner at my house but before you arrive you need to know the rules for attending….
10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Read your etiquette book before you show up. Do not get in line asking questions about the food. 'Who made the potato salad? Is egg in there? Are the greens fresh or canned? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that; who made it? Ask one more question and you will be punched you in the mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything or will have to gum it.
2. Do not fain not being able to get your own food cause your arm hurts and for someone to fix your plate and serve you unless you plan to tip. Dinner time is not the time for you to be dependent and you want to eat before everyone else. Nibble on them saltines and peanuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate and it is time to eat.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, their hineys will be escorted down to the basement and you can bring their food down to them. They will not tear my house up again this year. They are to stay in the basement. Tell
them they are NOT allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Bubba to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except that they are bleeding to death, the po po will be called.
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! Just ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your
thirteen year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail or your cousin got out of his DUI. Save the talk for someone that gives a flyin’ flippy. The time limit for the prayer is one minute not thirty. If you are still talking after
that one minute is up, you will be talkin’ to yoself ‘cause everbody else bee eatin’.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go for seconds! If you don't, you will be lambasted with harsh words and asked to stay your greedy self home next year.
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good tupperware knowing mighty well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate PERIOD to take home or there will be an unpleasant conversation that can be heard by my neighbors.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you.
EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY
DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids at my house so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER. There will be a kid parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call Child services on you ignorant hiney!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat your dinner then take your buttocks home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least; ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner. You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousins Matilda and Alfred and their greedy families, we now have a credit card machine. So Visa and Mastercard are now being accepted. No, here me, NO American Express
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