Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Johnny. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

It was a fun day. We went on a 35 mile ATV ride.
Went through woods, rocks, creeks, mud and lots of dust.
Wow it was fun!!!

Now I would really like someone to massage my bottom.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
> batteries are getting dead?
>
> Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they
> know there is not enough money?
>
> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
> Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
> injection?
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
> Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
> when you throw a revolver at him?
>>
> Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
> Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
>
> If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>
> Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
> bubbles are always white?
>
> Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>
> Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
> hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
>
> Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
> their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
> down to give the vacuum one more chance?
>
> Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
> first try?
>
> How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
> fixtures?
>
> Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
> that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>
> In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
> in summer when we complained about the heat?
>
> How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>
> And my FAVORITE......
> The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four
> persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
>

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd on my trousers too".

seems to bring out the whack jobs and crazy people.
This morning a guy set his vehicle on fire, someone calls the Fire Dept. When the firetruck arrives the guy shoots and kills a fire fighter as he is getting out of the truck. WTF?? The fireman was just a 22 yr old kid. Then he sets his own house on fire and started taking shots at the police. They think he died in the house fire. I just wonder what made this guy snap and do such a thing????

The affection and lovemaking this week were absolutely satisfying! I can't wait until the next time...............

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to
have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of
Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

Is going to be as exciting as last week.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints.

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do.: !!