I did takedown that crazy group shots from Hubby's holiday party.

Here we are again, this weeks questions sent in by friends like you. Top ten questions
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1)Have you ever made it with a horse?

No, just in the Buggy. Besides - DUHHH- The COCK is this Bird’s only barnyard petting-friend.

2)Would you ever have relationship with a man who is bald, over sixty, and a little chubby?

DAD! I told you never to call me here. Ewwwwww

Just kidding- cute is cute. And you are cute.

3)Why do you take down your pictures so fast?

Because teasing is in my nature and in your best interest to have a few reasons to check in on the Bird.

4)Do you like being touched on your feet?

Only if it is NOT with hot coals and I prefer foot touching to come with a well trained massage person with a french pedicure skills.

5)Have you ever had fruit jam licked out of your navel?

Not yet. But if my husband suddenly POOFS into a crazed bagel I would sure change my tune.

6)You post so many weird food cravings- do YOU have some weird food that you eat?

I do have some favorite foodie freak-outs. I LOVE a late night snack of fizzy orange pop and custard filled doughnuts. I would walk to the ends of the earth for a duck liver pate’, I do crave a cold golden delicious apple with peanut butter and melted sharp cheddar cheese, and I have been known to microwave M&M’s smash them flat and lick them off a plate.

7)I like your hair, it is so pretty do you color it and how much does it cost to have hair like yours?

Yes, I color my hair and it is done by an internationally trained colorist. It is about $250US every 12 weeks to have this hair and it is three processes. My husband is dumb founded that any human would spend this amount on their hair. He feels for that price they should offer him a cigarette after the service. Because then he would be clear that he just got screwed.

My position is that if it feels good- do it.

I saw metal fillings in your mouth shot- how many cavities do you have.

Only my dentist knows for sure.

9)Your teeth are so straight did you ever wear braces?

The only braces I wear are on my pants.

10)Do you think Santa will be good to you this year?

Listen buddy- Santa should be VERY GOOD to me because I have been VERY NAUGHTY all year long. Santa and I go WAYYYYY back and he likes his baby to have BACK.

Have a great week.
Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss to you all
Bird

Amcuts is feeling bloated and holiday ewww, and we are all in the overeating craziness. Last week I made a choice to start cutting out crappy food that did not satisfy me

My plan for holiday eating is: If it is not as yummy as sex- Its just gonna be a buzz kill. So I give everthing that is not "too the moon orgasmic" to other people.

I think about what it would be like having sex with a plastic inflatable doll- well why have oral pleasure with plastic food... Have you seen my lips? Its just wrong to not let delicious treasure pass through them.

OBTW-It is driving my husband crazy. Because everyday I am looking for orgasmic food.

Here is another Treat that at least one of you is eating:
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From a NN fan:

You want odd foods together a sandwich with tuna salad and banana. J
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Ok thasssnasteee .

I love to hear all the crazy-shit people pass off as a delicious snack. Here is one from allornot-
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"Weird food combos? I put ketchup on my cottage cheese.. My late father was know to put ketchup on peanut butter. Back in High School a guy put mustard on his ice cream sunday as a dare, and ate it. I saw a meatloaf recipe recently that included artificial maple syrup"
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Thanks love-
And the shoe comment- I will take you in bare feet as well as high heels.
Kisses
Bird

Well it is that time again, the day that we have compiled the TOP TEN questions that you here on NN send to BirdLover:

1)If your husband could sleep with any OTHER woman who would it be?

This is a no brainer (and we also have a DEAL), if Catherine Zeta Jones shows up and demands to see my husband he is just going to HAVE to get a free hall pass and try to get busy because he will only have 24 hours of freedom.

2)Have you ever had a man lick your bum?

Only when I am lucky.

3)Do you like men who wear high heels?

Only if they can dance.

4)If I were to offer you ONE CAR in exchange for a afternoon of lovemaking what would it be- AND what are the reasons you would pick that car.

Darling you know I am a car hound. First it MUST come with title, insurance and a gas card. So this is an easy pick but not the only car I would take. A 1971 DeTamaso Pantera, color red with a 351 cleveland V8. The best thing about that car is that it accelerates like a scalded cat and rides as smooth as a Catholic man with a Sunday shave. I do worry about it in my environment because it does rust and that would break my heart. So can I have a beach house in a warm climate to go with it???

5)Do you like guys with a 5 o’clock shadow?

As long as they do not have a prison record or want to sell me a used car.

6)What kitchen utensil would you use in sex?

Hubby is yelling from the other room” Roller pin”- (why, I do not even want to know and I will not merit this with even a single character of the alphabet because it is so odd that the man I married did not say spatula)

My kitchen utensil would have been cooking spray applied to the bum so I could slip around on the countertop.

7)Have you ever had sex with food?
OK I have two answers-

a) I am a woman, dark chocolate IS sex.

b)Dude, I have a very motivated husband that is turned on by my odd sense of humor and the fact that I have a near perfect set of “twins” makes it almost impossible to keep him off of me. I do not need to fornicate with fruits.

What are some of your favorite slang terms from the CIA?

FNG is stands for FUCKING NEW GUY. And only a FNG would ask that question. Listen pal, I am no longer a government employee, its not like I am just out on recon- so why oh why do we always go back to the CIA questions? Do you never tire of hearing me complain about your questions? We don’t even have a CIA anymore. Ohh and this is A PORN SITE.

9)Do you have a sister that would have sex with me?
That depends, are you gonna buy her dinner, or a new boat?

10)Do you like Jell-o rubbed on your tits?

Listen you are someone who OBVIOUSLY has never worn a water-bra because that is JUST like wearing Jell-o on your tits.

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Well kids- It is time to sign off and get something done in my REAL LIFE. I still have my holidy surprise coming for you, and do not forget to send in your weird food combo's.

Kisses
Bird

Hello my friends in nakie-land.

Here is the wit-hit you have all been waiting for, this weeks crazy questions that YOU the community ask of BirdLover each and every week.

I do want to start out with a special message to “V”- You must ask a question that does not involve gerbils or other rodent variables or I will not reply…

Whew-

Question 1 Does your Hubby spank you?
Not as often as I deserve.

Question 2 Do you like to cum?
Equally as much as I like owning a medulla oblongata

Question 3 Would you consider having blueberries sucked out of your belly button?

Only when it is NOT ant or wasp season

Question 4 Will you ever leave us and become a REAL PORNSTAR?

Ok, lets just take a moment to think this through.

I am quite sure that they do not allow people to become PORN STAR status that have not shown their vagina to the world.

I am relying on pure circumstantial evidence but I feel it is reliable.PORN STARS all show their vagina to the world.

PS They call what I do artistic-erotica or peek-boo shots. I do not currently even qualify as REAL PORN… sorry to disappoint.

Question 5 Have you always been this sexy?

HECK-NO. I am the Midwest version of the ugly ducking, except in the Midwest version it is pork-chop that wanted to be a fancy Italian dinner- type story… Only to be sold off at a meat raffle.

I was (and some days still am) a 100% toad catching, mudslinging, and tree-climbing tomboy. I had a dirt bike that I rode DOWN the slide and I prided myself on the ability to play the game KILL during recess with the boys. (If you got the ball, you’d better run or we are going to kill you by piling up on you)

Question 6 What kind of music do you listen to?

Lets just say I am NOT afraid to shop clearance CD’s so I have a very eclectic collection of every genre for the last 25 years and I am married to a 70’s YES fan.

Question 7 What is the kind of music you like the least?
In order:
1) Kitten the Yodeling Cowgirl is one of the most amazingly BAD cd’s I have ever had and it is a girl yodeling to the song “It’s a small world after all” by Walt Disney.
2) Mariachi band singing all the Beatles tunes
3) The international Rugby team singing the R&B hit “I will survive”
4) All albums put out by the stars of the original star trek

Question 8 Do you smell your own underwear?
I have a strict no panty/drawer sniffing policy that was adapted at a young age with 5 brothers and an angry disabled Vietnam veteran father. I do not think I would consider digressing.

Question 9 Do you regret having so many children?
The mommy answer: They are all smart beautiful children and they are a blessing. I am complete as a person with them in my life.
The sane parent answer: Only when the bills come. And come. And come. And come.

Question 10 Will you let me lick you?
Dude- I am on YOUR SCREEN. You can pan in and out, and you can lick your monitor all damn day. Lick, lap it, and tap it all, and have a great time.

See you cat’s later, thanks for making this a great place to be. I will see you later when I post this week’s weirdest food craving.

oxoxox
Bird

LMAO! Was reading your profile, and saw that thing about farting! Had to tell you this story. We have a 95 pound Swissie dog. Several years ago, we were all sitting at the dining room table and she was across the way in the hall. She let out an audible fart then smelled it herself and looked around as though she couldn't believe that had come from her! Just thought you'd be amused!
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Had to share that with you guys...
Bird

Because tonight question has such a long answer I am only giving ONE out tonight. But damn- it was a hell of a ride.

Question 1: Have you ever been naked in a helicopter?

Oh God- I wished I could have taken my clothes off…Listen to this one. The ONLY helicopter ride I have ever been on was the very moment my youngest child tapped into his greatest fear.

Just as we got to the greatest view of the Grand Canyon, the co-pilot “ DAVE” tells the kids to look out the window and instantly my son turns green and tosses the large coke, cheese fries, chili-dog and some skittles candy that was in his stomach out in a projectile vomit that was VERY impressive.

It blasted the window with a wicked re-coil; the girls become saturated in bits of regurgitation debris and immediately release the safety harness and scatter like RATS to try to get out of the way. Next comes the physics lesson- ALL the weight in the helicopter suddenly switches sides and the simultaneously the driver looks back to see what is going on and the whole machine makes a JERK that makes one of my daughters start to cry and another scream out “IT’S JUST LIKE JURASSIC PARK WE ARE GOING TO DIE!”

My husband being the prince valiant that I married looks at her and says- “THEY WERE IN A CAR NOT A HELICOPTER”!

To this my snotty 14 year-old pubescent, anal retentive, straight A student, swings her head to scold her father “huuuumpf- same thing!” … “its NOT going end well”

My son has a face full of his own lunch and does not even attempt to open his eyes.

Thank the Lord- I tell him to keep them closed tight so we do not have a repeat performance and so he cannot see the war posse of sisters that are in attack position that could burst into flames at any minutia of agitation.

We sat in photo album silence in the bottled up smell of a snack bar with a bad altitude as the pilot lands safely and closes up shop for the day.

I spent about 90 minutes in the public restroom as the girls as they yelled out:

Gross! Disgusting! Ewwww.

While prince valiant and the boys just wash up and think- wow- that was awesome. . .

Later I mailed him the family picture of us getting into the helicopter, and a $100 bill.

So there you have it- the one time I was in a helicopter I would have loved to rip off my clothes…. Only because I needed to put fresh ones on. I will catch up with you later. Love you guys!!

Thanks for all the well wishing. I am feeling better and I must tell you that having an inner ear infection and an international flight in the same day is a death wish.

It would have been easier to bear a lion cub out of my auditory canal that to live through the British Airways landing process.

But that will not keep me from the item you all are waiting for.

The top ten wicked replies to the questions YOU send ME. Here is this weeks dose from the Bird:

Question 1) Have you ever used a DEAD DROP SPIKE?
Even though they look like an ass plug from the pictures they are not that simple.

For the rest of humanity, the dead drop spike (no need to capitalize all the letters- it is not that important) is a concealment device used to hide money, maps, documents, and other items. The spike is waterproof and mildew-proof and is made to be shoved forcefully into the ground or a shallow stream to be retrieved at a later time. It is very pointy and does have a handy retrieval string on the twist top. Contrary to the sick comments in the field NO it is not used as a sex toy and no one would ever consider masturbating with it.

To answer your question, I have no need to use them because (HELLO- this is a porn site remember??) and I am no longer in need of military assisted tools to manage my mundane daily tasks. You can experiment for yourself and get a similar item at almost any military surplus store.

Oh and by the way-Do you have a real life that involves normal people?

Question 2) Regular or Decaf?
I think decaf is what most of the world settles for in their everyday existence. I am a devotee for caffeine and caffeine like substances. It has helped me pass every term paper, deal with crying children, and it allows me the ability get my eyes to focus every morning.

PS I do not drink coffee, I drink soda pop.

Question 3) Would you consider coming to South Carolina for great sex?

Well it is one of the original American Colonies with a rich history and culture shaped by European, African and Caribbean influences.

YET the sad truth is humans are lazy by nature AND currently if I just take off my shirt and swoosh past the TV area I am assured a round of great sex from my Hubby. On command sex is one of the most under rated topics of marriage and it is so much better than cable.

Question 4) Do you like to have your ears nibbled on?
Oh nibble- nibble, it is not drivel.

I assure you, nibbling is a love-snack that leaves me wanting a huge bite of what you are dishing out.

Question 5) Will you pose naked with my wife?

Isn’t that why the good Lord invented PhotoShop?

Question 6) Have you ever has sex in a submarine?

Why, do you have a ballistic missile you would like to show me?

Question 7) Have you ever slept with Owen Wilson?

A couple of reasons (besides the fact that to my knowledge we were never in the same state at the same time in the last 40 years), Owen is younger than me so Andrew would have been more my age favorite because I like older men.

Owen suffers from middle child syndrome and the fact that he was caught cheating on a geometry exam while in tenth grade and the “kicked out of school” thing would have made it very hard for me to introduce him to my parents in high school. My dad would have been thrilled that he was then toted off to military school because that is what “every” young man needs- a taste of some authority and some good old fashioned respect for the Red, White, and Blue.

Out of the Wilson trio of cagey wild Texas longhorns I would have picked the baby Luke as my favorite personality type, Luke is a Virgo which I am very fond of, a runner, and I think he still holds the high school record for the 800 meter dash. They don’t call him cool hand Luke for nothing.

Question I love the bondage gear you have where do your get it?
www.bdsmstore.com

If you are new to bondage gear my advice is to look at it as an investment, get great quality, and only buy the things you absolutely LOVE. Otherwise you end up with a leather saddle that was only good for a one trick pony.

Question 9 ) Do you like vibrator orgasms more that orgasms from a man’s cock?

Hmmmmm. Let me think about this…

A hard throbbing man holding me down and pounding me into the bed posts until I scream or flexible jelly vibrator????

You do the math.


Question 10) You have such a large variety of picture styles. What is your favorite?

I like pictures that DO NOT show:
My cellulite bulging in a disgusting cottage cheese way
Hints of premature aging from closet smoking
The plethora of bruises I get from walking into stupid shit.
(i.e. the freaking awful end-table in the living room that I never wanted in the first place AND the shin killing I get from the side of our spare-bed every damn time I vacuum.)

Keep sending the love.
Bird