Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.


She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.


"What's wrong?" asked the mother.


"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.


About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.


"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the
mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears.


"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."


"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her big soft tits and said...

"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his cock!

With a death grip in place, she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

----------

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on
you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it.

I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!