the weekend was busy and time for much needed rest.
The Blackhawks game was worth watching while at the concert.. ermm, yes, really, I was perving on the hockey, and basketball goin' on at the bar, while the other bands played. Bad of me?
I needed the distraction from felling strange, out of sorts and out of place... like the bar I've been going to for years is no longer a place I'm meant to be.. except when I feel right about it.
But I loved feeling like I was a part of something in supporting a friend in his dreams ambitions and drive... he's a creative man that I appreciate as a person, not just as a musician or a man I've kinda got a crush on... he's a friend I can talk nature photography with. I bought a band Tshirt, got my free CD, and bought one for one of the other bands that I have a thing for, called Swinging Lights... kinda weird folky They Might Be Giant's kind of mix...
I'm packing away clothing from winter, and going through boxes in my closet, getting ready to take the ones worth keeping, to the storage closet/unit... I need to prepare for a move. Prepare as if we'll have no one to help us, and pray mightily for assistance, voluntary help, by friends, or family who'll prove we're important to them in some way.
I'm hurting dears... I have learned far too much about the views people I claimed as family have of me, of my stupidity in staying in an abusive marriage, and letting men stay close who'd never wanted me to begin with... and assumptions that there was something of worth, from and to both parties... they don't understand the issues in abusive relationships. In victimizing someone who had trusted you... and I'm recognizing that there's really never been any support from family when it came down to my needs, and issues. I'm the one who has to rescue me, or express hurt when someone SAYS they'll help and never follows through... how hard it's been to be stolen from by friends... how hard it is to trust anyone at all these days... and how lost I feel when a sister refuses to follow through on an impression, a strong one, to call her oldest sister for help and will NOT follow through...
I feel sad, knowing how little respect, or trust I have been given in relationships. I feel hurt to recognize there's nothing in them, to have any of them deserve my own trust, either...
So... I will do my best to be fully self reliant. I will plan, slowly, taking my time to move my body, change my demographics and build my life some place else... and in some other way. It will take time, because only my daughter and I will do the majority of the work... I've been rejected already by friends and family. And in so doing they've all said the same thing... "You don't know how much you're loved. There will be somebody who'll help you out."
But I've heard this before. I've also heard, "I'll be there" And nothing followed through on. Too many people assume someone else will do the job, so they refuse, slough off someone who asks politely and they just walk away with no thought about that person...
That person is ME, in reality... People presume someone else will take care of the need I present. They forget that there's hardly ANYONE in my life. And that with my health issues, and worse, those my daughter has... we NEED assistance. And so... a move for us, may take a year. Why? Because not only must we move things bit by bit, get rid of things bit by bit... but we will have no choice but to hire someone to help us out. There is no family, and no friendship to hope and rely on. No, don't tell me I'm being cynical... when family or friends walk in, steal and fill a box that was taped up with a list of all things in it, by OCD me... and fill it with things that weigh about the same, that are garbage, just to take a piece of family history that to them was worth stealing from someone who has little to begin with... is as cold and unkind a thing as if they'd taken it while I was aware... THIS has happened to me in both the move to Utah, and the recent one, from my house in Tooele, after losing my marriage and my own home... they took things that were of value family heirlooms with emotional and sentimental as well as collectible/monetary value... There are people in this world who see a household being disassembled as a pick-and-pull, self service opportunity... not a chance to help someone who's suffering and well, at that time I was supposed to be on bed-rest due to a surgery gone wrong and the resultant infection....
People lose faith in people after a while. I'm cynical right now, maybe... but I have learned some very harsh lessons in the past few years.
So... I'll make slow progress in my life. But at least I'll do what I can to make it a little less dilapidated and scary. Less filled with feeling used, or denied the good parts of life, intentionally.
After what we went through this weekend... I told my daughter her father doesn't deserve to be told he has to help her out, since he's her father... I do not need help enough to have to be abused or mocked in front of others in ways only he knows is hurtful. I was crushed by it this weekend. I now know that once a couple divorce, it is best, to divorce myself from the whole family as well... except... I do have nieces that love me. And maybe a couple of his sisters, too. I dunno. It hurt to learn how unfeeling and how cold people like them are. I'd forgotten that the majority of his siblings are as mentally and emotionally twisted and self-absorbed as is he.
I am learning some awful lessons. But I guess I needed to finally GET them engraved into my heart and mind.
I tried to help a niece who's struggling in so many ways... I tried to help my sister understand that she's got love and support in me. And I learned that my daughter can learn from me. I hope her memory retains what she has learned and shared with me. I do so love her. She is the only other person in this world that I trust to love me and keep me in their life. The only one... and she still gets so crazy at times that I'm ready to scream, cry, institutionalize her and give up trying and coping with it.
Please, please don't tell me that I'm strong... I KNOW that. Don't pray for strength, every time someone does, I get more of THIS. I KNOW it... I don't NEED to be shown that I NEED to be stronger.... don't pray for peace, it only brings me tragedy and heartache. Pray... God, I don't know what to pray for. I'm scared to pray for anything good, or any weakness to be made into a strength... I DON'T want punishment, or sorrow any more. I can't take another strengthening experiences. I can't take any more fear inflicted into my life, or reminders that I"m too fucking broken to be loved... or respected, or valued. I already KNOW that I'm a loss and useless. God, please don't hurt me any more... Just let me survive quietly and I promise I'll hide and get out of the way for the people who're important and of value. The ones who are of worth... Just let me lead my life in silence and in the shadows... let me find a little peace and joy now and then, please? And please let me keep it for a bit? Because I'm tired of being mocked and having it taken from my hands, when I have found it... let me feel like it's a gift, as it should be... instead of only a taunting glimmer that I will never have, just a taste... enough to make me wish, and remember and know that it's wonderful... and that I shall never have it again, for the rest of my days...
I'm sorry. I"m sure I'll remove this just as I've removed all my other soulful pitiful and complaining words that I've posted...
but before I do... I'll scatter a few more of my blessings into this post.
Remember the ones I mentioned about my daughter? She's proving how much I matter. How much OUR happiness matters to her. And how much she loves me.
She is truly the only person I dare to believe in. She keeps saying that if I can see worth in her, I need to accept that there's even more in me... expounding on the virtues she sees in me... but all I know is... it's just too late for me... Karma hates me for something I did or said in another life, or even now... I am a punished soul. But I can find things to be grateful for.
My kid wants us to go up into the mountain canyons more often. She insisted she's going to try hiking with me... why? Because I MISS it so greatly. Because I ache and feel unwell and lacking when I can't get up there for renewal and for soul health... her body is so wracked and ravaged with pain... and yet she's willing to suffer horribly, for love of her mother. God blessed me so greatly with that daughter of mine.
She says she got all her good traits, not from her father or his side... but from ME. That nothing so good could have come from him... it hurts to see that she believes that so completely.. but I SAW with my won eyes and heard how he treats her with his family and with here... this weekend. This daughter of ours... she is the most amazing woman that I know in person. And she deserves so very much to learn of love and be proven loved cherished and called by a father that he is hers, and she is his daughter. Oh, how I'd love to have a man cherish her as much as if his own. How I would love to have a man love me enough to love her as if he'd been the man who wanted her as his child all of his life. I don't know... I barely can dare to hope for that same kind of love for myself. I'm barely capable of believing in it being possible. Still, how I want it.
