have you ever realized that someone is your greatest addiction? As in REALLY.. an ADDICTION, not necessarily a healthy one... I"m thinking how can someone really be?
and then, I think of the embarrassing revelation that just hearing Lanky's voice makes me squirt and soak those panties and ermmm have to go change them and sometimes the jeans...
and, my resolve melts away, when he's near. I need his cock...
thing is... that IS an addiction, due to too much focus on helping supporting and sexual play with him...
my daughter is one of the most amazingly astute women, when it comes to knowing me and my needs... she's right. I need no communication from or with this man for at minimum, 2 weeks... no hearing his voice, no calls, or voice messages... no spending time with him, and no going places he will be bound to be at... I need just two weeks of none of that... and, she advised me at minimum no spending time with him for another two. She reminded me of her body's reaction to her withdrawal symptoms... she reminded me that Lanky won't kiss me, eat my pussy, and other things that I crave and need from a partner.. that he isn't my partner... that he needs to have his distance too, because most likely I and my affiliation here... are/is an addiction for him. And, I know she too needs to have no talk of him, the way I need to have less of what her father says of me, as well... We need to wean ourselves off of the addiction...
let's face it, we saw one another twice a week for three months, while he was away... he'd moved in too soon after my fiance's passing, and I never got to just cry all alone and grieve the ONE man who's proved in every way he could how important I was to him. I need to grieve fully, honestly and without the touch of a man. No man to warm my bed, and no man to distract me from my heartache.. it is MINE to feel, mine to respond to, mine to be healed from/by and the healer of, too.
I need my time to get over the hardest losses over the past 3-4 years... loss of trust, loss of security... loss of my marriage and my home, the one I'd planned on dying in, I'd loved it so much... I need to mourn the loss of my mother, my grandfather, my cousin, and several other family members all within the too recent years... and, the loss of my own sweetheart, the man I'd planned to live and grow old with.. . I had just barely begun that glorious adventure... I need closure with my Latino mentor... finally to lay that confusion and piece of my life to rest, in a way only he can give me... I will need to have my space, and the opportunity to take control of and again manage my life and home, on my own. Cleaning, decluttering, reawakening the ME within myself... and, let's face it.. I NEED to go through all of this myself... reempowering, reawakening and fortifying my resolve to be me, to be strong and take a chance worth taking, to rebuild myself and my life... for ME. For my daughter. For everyone I've right to grieve... for those who love me, too... friends and family, and even those who just catch a glimpse of the woman that is me. I am real. I am me... and I need to need trust and love my own self once more.
