I go to bed, sleepy, ready for rest.. but when he slides under the covers... I hear his breath and I want him. Feeling his body close his breath now caressing my skin... Oh, I crave his touch.
My body arches out of instinct, and I realize I won't sleep until I've felt him buried deep within me... I need him.

His fingers caressing cause my whole body to energize and I become instantly slick and wanton... ready for our experience... whether carnally lusty and aggressive, or passionate and rich, or loving and gentle... it is all good and incredible, even ineptitude is overlooked. I'm in love with him. Sadly, he may never be close to loving me... People who refuse to let go of their fantasies, for reality... those who refuse to see what they have in front of them... they lose sight of life, of joy and living...

For now, I'm addicted to his desire, to his loving touches, and to his arousal and need for me... I will relish what I have, and do my best to be my best.

money is tight, but we make it last to the best of our ability. Taxes got done, we'll get refunds, daughter and me, anyway... who knows... maybe he will too?

We're going to try to fix my washing machine, ourselves... while this sweetheart's still here... Oh, I've missed him so much the past few months.... now, to have them force him to leave this area... I'm worried for him, I'm going to miss him even more... Not sure what to think about it all. There are days when he's sure, secure and makes it clear he's with me... us, together, we, us. And then there are days when his past come to mind and he refuses to think of us, of me, as possibilities. Remembering the failures, the women who walked away, turned their backs and refused him.

I miss him when he has nights like that. And I'm a fool worn down by that darkness.. spewing my own grief and pain out at him. Feeling rejected and as if he can't see me at all, and never wanted me in his life. I'm NOT even close to who he'd wanted by his side. I'm just me. Barely his friend. Alone, by his side. Alone.

smiles and hugs mean so much to me, these days...
and tenderness shared... simple relaxation, and things like... being pulled over into his arms when I'm falling asleep while watching a movie, a shoulder made ready for me when I need it... or feeling his arms and hands on me... being re-positioned so we can spoon, by this man who shares my bed.

I am amazed at how perfect it feels to be treated like I matter. I'm learning by actions how a man can treat a woman, and I am grateful for this opportunity to learn in person with him. And, in the same token... I hope he can learn from me, what he can have with a woman who appreciates, values, loves and accepts him.

I love snuggling up close... if and when he heats up... oh, my... what a surprise. A delicious one, because every touch, kiss and thrust become tools of delight. I don't expect anything. So... when things do happen... they're relished by me.

fear filled minds tend to trigger so much reaction it's saddening. I'd love to teach both the people who mean so much to me... to settle their fears, cast that aside and let go of them... embrace the joy love themselves... trust themselves... and learn to stop assuming, and self sabotaging.

I want them to feel comfortable in their own skins... smiles... I KNOW I feel comfortable in MINE. Walks around naked waggling my ass in your faces... Anyway...
Life is a peculiar thing. I can't rely upon Lanky for anything but to be here when he can... to love sex with me... to crave an addiction I gave to him.... mmm, now to get him addicted to more about me

I love that he's hooked on my wetness... and on swirling it over my breasts to lathe and suckle it off of my skin, and then, to lift me high to ride him well. God, I'm going to miss him. Yes, miss him...

He will be moving an hour away from me... well, more like 45 minutes with the way I drive... but it's farther away than he'd been while in stripped pajamas... I miss him already. He's more empty than I've ever imagined he'd be. Scared, shook up.. rattled. He either was never told of the rules of his probation.. or he'd like a teenager, not paid close enough attention. Not sure which. All I know is... now... he has reason to take things seriously. Now, he's got so much to lose. Now, I hope he realizes he also has so much he can achieve if he puts his mind to it. He can do anything if he feels the fire within light his desire. I hope he will. I pray he can.

I can't count on the future holding much for me. I can't hope too much when he's unwilling to work for anything, or look forward to anything... Not with him... but I can plan my life out a little bit. I can hope to get through this month without any illness, accidents or issues. I have the potential of a reward of an additional $0.50 per hour for every hour worked through the end of the month... as a bonus? They're trying to entice us to care, and to work harder, and want to be there as much as they can...

I feel so alone... with a man I love in my bed. There are moments he's so lost and tear filled... and then there are moments when he's there... strong and virile... and eager to experience pleasure with me... I'll embrace him love and relish him as long as I have him. He isn't mine... I know. I know... he'll never be mine... but he's close, he's here... and he seems to need me for a while. I'll rejoice and share my pleasure and love with him as long as he will allow it. If it's only weeks or months... I'll accept it... if it's years... it'll be an adventure, that's for sure... He'll earn it and so will I... that all depends upon our trust, and hope and faith, and how we learn and live and grow... evolution speeds through me from time to time. I'm growing up, I"m excited to the molecular level... and I am renewed, refreshed and energized for a moment, or ten... and I'm alive for the moment.

grateful to have him linger for a moment with me...
not sure of anything in my life any more.
except that my closest friend is back home.
Feeling him close in bed. our warmth shared, and heat stirred... I've needed him.
I'm amazed at how wet I get from just our closeness, and his touch... and, I get even wetter, when I feel his pulsing as he presses close to me... I want his body...
I am teaching him, as he reminds me, what we love about being together... touch, caress, heat, need... moans and whispers
I love his hardness.... he is harder, thicker than he'd been when we were mere playmates. As friends and lovers it's even better.
Hard, so thick and full for me... and I get to eager so ready... I'm not sure how to explain it... but it's impressive to me.
I'm eager to continue exploring with him. Touch, sexual desire, play and lusty need.... and loving tenderness, too.
I am pleased.

A tall and gentle towering man... a man I want to teach full pleasure joy and goodness. I'll teach him, love him and gain joy and pleasure with him as long as I can...

He's gained my trust, and I, his... we've grown to be better versions of ourselves since we first met. I intend to continue my progress. I believe it's what is meant to be... progression, the search for evolution of soul... and of joy. I'm a lover, I'm a healer... I seek peace, and pleasure, joy and life. I hope and pray for it, in my life, in the lives of those I treasure... for those I love.

worn out, and all we got done was the living room. Not sure how I'm going to get the chaos in my room under control by time for bed. *Shaking head in frustration*

I'm not sure what's going on with Lanky. Yesterday while we were visiting, he'd informed me of a letter he'd sent out on Friday, hopig I'd get it before we saw one another. I know it was significant, since he let me know it was his only remaining postage paid envelope, that he'd used. Forboding took over. If he needs me to avoid sexuality with him... I hope he knows I'll respect that. But I also need him to be aware that I have needs and will meet them in some way, without him. I love my Tall and agile friend. And, I understand he's got so much to figure out for himself that sex might muddle his brain and distract him from what he needs to do. Then again, if he needs and desires me... I hope he knows I'll be his, gladly. Still... I am wondering what was so absolutely necessary to share with me, that he didn't send a last letter from jail to his parents. I hope he'll be alright.

No matter what, I intend to do what I can to remain his friend. I chose to be merely a friend over a year ago, so he could learn from me and my honesty, just what good and bad I saw in him. We've supported one another through so many things... and I want no harm to come upon him. My daughter and I got to talking today, while working... about our relationships with Lanky. My tall and towering gangling friend has been there more for me and my daughter than family and supposed friends have... and, she, my daughter admitted he's been there for her, more than her father ever has been... Poor dear, sweetheart. She's had her father in her life for over 23 years... Lanky, just over a year, yet he's been kinder, more patient and friendly.. and... THERE for her, more than her own dad. I pity that man whom I far too long, called husband. And I'm grateful for a fool who became one of the closest friends and most faithful helper I've ever had.

I love my friends. I treasure each one. Those who stay close to me come to recognize how dear they are to me. Those who wander off... they will do as they will do.

I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow when I see my dear Lanky. But I do know one thing... I'll give him a tear filled and warm hug, filled with my joy at being close to him again. I want to kiss his smoothly shaven head and massage the fears away for him, again... and hold him close enough to feel safe. That's all I can hope to give him. I hope it'll be enough. I don't expect him to want me. I don't dare to believe that he would. Not after what he's said in the past. Anyway I'll take what I am given and make it work for the best. I'm still feeling destined to be lonely and never allowed to be the woman for any man to want more than anything in his life. I'll try to accept that if it's to be my lot in life. I'll still do all I can to revel in the bits and fragments of joy I get to experience along the path I'm walking... I have to. I can't count on anyone loving me enough to overlook my faults and weaknesses. And so, I'm thankful for kindnesses and for tenderness when it's given. I've been neglected and broken so many times in my life... I'm simply grateful for anyone being kind and letting me walk beside them for a while. This is how my life has been since I was a little one. I have learned that humans are the most painful friends to make, but the friendships and relationships are also the ones I crave more than anything. I know I'm peculiar. I know I'm imperfect. I know I'm just me, and have little to give, but myself and my talents.

I'll take what joy I am given and cherish it while it lasts.

I'm still struggling internally, over my nightmarish bedroom. I hope I can convince my daughter to actually be of HELP with it. I need help. I need her help. And I need sleep. I am so sleep deprived I hurt all over. I'm tired of anger. I'm tired of justification. I'm tired of feeling frustrated and angry, I'm tired of feeling like being all alone would be a very good thing right now. I need to get through this... I still have taxes yet to do, and I've still got to pay bills and figure out when I can send my painting to arbortech,
and... I'm thinking of giving up on posting photos. I'm tired of pretending that lusty comments are enough to satisfy my loneliness and longing. And, I've got to end that longing soon. Give it up, let it go and really get the point through my foolish mind. There is no such thing as loving working relationship with any man in my future. So, just muddle though and make the best of what you CAN have, Dawn. Be thankful for any vestige of good and for every smattering of joy or love you experience. That must be enough for you. That will be all you can hope for. So make it work and make it worth it, Girly. Be thankful for what you've had and what you've got.

Need to get things taken care of tonight...

touch me... I'm lonely. Hold me in your arms, and forgive a tear staining your sleeve...
will you stay?
will you share a moment with me?

let me share myself with you, for a while.
sharing words and a cup of coffee or iced tea...
a laugh, a cry, a smile...

let me be ME for a moment.
Let me listen, let me hold you,
let me whisper how I feel about you.
a kiss brushing your cheek.

let my hopes and dreams for you
surround you
in a bath of my love and joy.
Close your eyes, lay back and float in its gentle waves
let them heal sooth and fill you.

Let me feel your warmth and let me feel your arms surround me.
just a moment longer,
and then, I know,
it's time to go.

the weather is right, for spring.. cold and clear, then warm beyond expectations...

I still miss two men who've touched me in so many ways... and, smiles... I admit to my crushes on a couple of choice and dear men from this place, too.

Still... one, a tall gangling goofy guy with an innocently boyish smile and announcer's voice... will be coming back into my arms in a few days. I'm not sure what to expect, nor to hope for. Realistically, he's marred his record with a blanket title. I'm not sure what to say for those who gain it as he did.. and I KNOW what to say to those who defiled and earned it. Someone I love as a brother earned his... I stepped back to see the part of him that's never changed. He cares and wants to have me stay his friend and sister. Anyway, because of my past I'm less judgmental than most. Fools are fools and vile creatures are... just that.

My Lanky companion is looking forward to our Wednesday night date.. it's our last one with him behind concrete wall and in stripes. Just as Saturday will be our last in same situation. I still love him. I still want his company in bed... but I also know that love doesn't conquer all. And, it doesn't justify allowing bad patterns to be formed or fallen into. Love is something worth having in my life... most definitely. But more than that, reason and recognition of good, bad, and what's best...

I learned it as I prepared to walk away from the wrong man as husband, I knew it when I walked towards the man I knew I wanted forever... and I'l know it without a doubt when I'm asked to be with the man I'll be with next time... be WITH... BE with... We will be a couple, working for the mutual benefit of one another, and for the mating of two. I'll enjoy it. Love is to be grown for one another, it's not to be mistaken with lust. It's uniquely beautiful and rare. I'm not sure Lanky will ever gain that kind of love from me... but I'd like to hope he can earn and gain real and satisfying love one day. I wish it upon all that I adore.

For now, a video... I love these guys and their harmonization and musical creativity. I love music, let's face it. I need it as part of my life.

fingers splayed, dancing over skin... I am reminded of him

caressing over my softness, replaying nights with his hard body pressed against me... I miss him.

longing pools sweetly, aching within my body, arching in memories replayed. I am needing.

a man's breath against my skin, my hair moves with it, as he breathes me in, and I sigh him out in anticipation... nipples taut, and hairs on end... I want him.

his moan as he feels and sees my response to touch, kisses dragged over my body... fingers traveling and exploring... you and I, love... you and I... I need you. Oh, how I need you.

I'm not sure if he's real or a dream, any longer.... a melding of fragments of memories... I need his touch, I need his heat, his lust... his awe.

my desire, moistly sweet, glistening and flowing...
ahh, to be touched, wanted, needed... would be perfection...

I am dreaming... still dreaming.

bending, turning, twisting metal into swirls and spirals, ...threading gemstone beads on the wires, and creating delights for someone to wear... I've been using glass, stones, wood, shells, and more beads with my copper and sterling.
I'm in jewelry heaven.
Creating one of a kind things to adorn neck, wrist, ears, ankle...
This is soothing to me.
Peace, as I work away.