teary and outrageously weepy, I fought for composure most of my workday. Stress is wearing me thin... feelings of futility, and inability to sleep, due to all the seemingly insurmountable obstacles tumbling endlessly into my path have made me want to fall to my knees and cry until my eyes run dry.
And yet, today was another day where I was blessed to learn greater patience, waiting for one of my friends to get off his shift an hour after mine was finished. These men who're willing to take care of me... bringing me lunch, knowing I don't care, or forget too often, and demanding that I take care of me... and then willingly driving me to or from work are people I'm grateful for. My tall gangling friend checked with me later, asking who'd driven me home, and if I really was staying home tomorrow, then making sure I'd contact him if I need anything, regardless. Smiles... how I confuse myself due to his closeness. **Shaking head**
Today my sweet, sweet and amazing man in Illinois announced he's been pricing airfare, a room for two nights and car rental and that it'll only be around $400-$500 for the combination. He's as eager for this weekend of ours as am I... perhaps more so? Doubtful!!! I wish the sagging of the right side of his face didn't trouble him so much. I know he believes I deserve someone with more outward perfection... Grrhhhhh... I have loved him as a great friend for what seems forever at times, and at others, just a few short months. I still hesitate, because the last man I'd been eager to have come to me never followed through, and wanted constantly to have our conversations centered around lust instead of reality. This man has seen me as a friend for much of our time knowing one another. That one... well, a few of you know that twisted story. Hindsight makes me see that no woman would want to remind a man of his hell, his past... but rather be his heaven, and perfection... his future. I am glad we never connected and made things more twisted and confusing. Anyway, I'm hopeful in this adventure in the very near future... This is not a sappy school girl crush, as with the man in DC... We met and determined to be merely friends, and enjoy our common interests and intellectual banter. We're both rather analytical souls... Evaluating, and assessing situations, watching people, and pointing out what we value in others, often... Open minded, and able to bend, as well... I value that greatly... And though I'm still learning, we both are people who accept ourselves as we are... and something I esteem greatly, he's very comfortable with himself.
Anyway, our weekend is coming closer... I can't wait to spend time with him. To embrace him warmly, to kiss and cherish him... And to be WITH this man I've chosen to allow as close as I have. Umm admitting I intend to devour him, as a true man-eater should...
Only a very few have gotten as closely embedded within my heart as is he. They know who they are.. and, hmm, are members here, of this place. This one though, holds something unique though to me... Anyway, I'm excited to be planning to be with him in a few weeks... And I find the distraction calming at the same time as thrilling. I need it. I need to feel like a woman, like I'm not at the end of my rope... and to forget for a moment how little control I've got over my life.
Today four men reached out and touched me today. Text, talk, rides and hope. They helped me forget the tears and futility. The loss and frustrations. Thank you, TJ, for being one of them. The others.... God, I hope they don't read this! LOL, but if they do.. maybe one day they might appreciate how much I value them, too.
