How did I come sofar that I have to do this.Ironically it started at age of Kindergarten.My mother prepared me by saying how the mistress used to punish naughty boys in her youth.They had to stand naked in front of the class after a beating on their behind.I should be glad that such things didn't happen anymore,she reassured me. But somehow I felt a fine tension having phantasies about those mistresses who had the names of Lady Willlpower and Lady Thornand ball.I just realised later the irony of those names and in fact they were pretty modern and good mistresses never practising such things. Neither did my mother.I had fantasies about those mistresses and I liked that tension playing with myself under the blankets,but at the same time I was afraid that something like that really might happen.About my mother I never had such fantasies and such things didn't happen in the family.There has never been any sexual abuse in the family or outside the family. When I went to another school those mistresses were out of sight and I lost the thrilling feeling.I developed substitute fantasies.And there was a remarkable thing.I discovered that sometimes I couldn't surrender myself to those fantasies and at other moments it turned out to be pretty well. I remember that at age 9 I sometimes feared to loose that fine feeling completely.I was rather shy and there was some obsession with seen naked.It was not a strict taboo at home.We learned that everybody is the same naked,but I realised that that wasn't the full truth. Round about 14-16 my attention was attracted by the novel The story of O,L'histoire d'O in the bookshelf of my father.I liked that scene in the beginnning of the woman undressing herself in the car following the commands of her companion.I didn't like it all.The second half made me feel sick.And that's always been the same for me. At age 20 I had an interesting dream.As a student I dreamt I was fucking a girl I had known at school.I was just fucking her going smooth in and out while she was laying bend over a fallen tree.I had never had such feelings about her and I had never seen moving pictures of what was going on.It was so perfect.So smooth.It happened never again to me and of course I knew in theory what to do,but wondered how it was possible I could dream about practising that way. A few years later I met a girl that stimulated my old fantasies again.She was sometimes joking about whipping boys and a flirt keeping off guys.Once I decided to speak with her about how I had become obsessed by her in a particualar way but that it should be hard to live with her in one house. Was she deliberatedely or on a subconscious level playing a game with me catching me in the web of my thought and feelings?She only said that I should't think that she was aiming to make me unhappy,say miserable,deplorable.So let it be.And in fact,though it was only as a fantasie,since she wouldn't have anything to do with such practises,indeed it gave me more 'pleasure' in my life than I could have had in any other way. We separated ways,though I kept on writing till I realised she had deceased.And I decided to break my life open and not keep those thoughts a secret anymore.I thought that would be better for me.It had become to much of an obsession and I realised I wasn't quite such a slave.It was more a way of trying out and finding finally some mutual intimacy.I wanted to make myself more free. At the end of my studies I stil lived in a student house were she came to live in.Amber,let's say Blondie.She had a boyfriend.I was older and wouldd't come between them.And in fact,she didn't stimulate my fantasies.Maybe I gave her too little attention.She started making negative remarks about fat bodies when I was there.Especially sumowrestlers on tv. I was annoyed about and had not the intention to play the game with her,but at an occasion I called her a little slut.She reacted rather icy but just slammed me in my face.I just did the same,not to hard and so the scene repeated till I caught her at the wrists;I could have broken them,but I had a good controll over myself. This couldn't go on that way ........ Having her in my hands that way,didn't turn me on,but,thought it happened pretty long ago,dicky is stil coming out thinking about this: That she makes me undress myself in front of the others in house,aspecially a girl I really liked. "Look at him naked and shaved.He is my slave now.That's his punishment.Everybody will see him.He has to show himself everywhere for everybody and do what I want.Spread your legs.Bend forward.Do you want to spank him?Hit him hard!" Does she? It didn't happen that way then,but that thought standing exposed naked for the one I loved,stil makes dickie come out,though it doesn't make me come.She can show me to everybody.Does she?Well,I don't care so much about.In fact it doesn't turn me on so much.Maybe some,like lady Helena,but I am not there.It's so long ago.It isn't the same anymore. After all,I see my contributions and fantasies more as part of a long proces of discovering myself and a performance in the sense of an artist,then the expression of an exhibitionist or a masochist.I have always been longing for a partner to have good straight sex with,but when I grew older,I kept a preference for young women ,say in the age of 20-30,but growing older,they came farther out of reach. And it didn't mean so much for me anymore.Masturbation isn't so bad.It would be better if more men would do so.You have more controll of your situation and the moment to come or delay and just play on. When I was begin 20 I had a dream.Probably I mentioned before.I was in the wood.A woman lay over a fallen tree.I recognised her as Paulies.I hadn't seen her after school for 2 years and have neve seen her again.Most contact we had in the lower classses.We were just children.At least I was.Later some hunk some hunk got an eye on her. I don''t know the big bad wolf took her.Maybe both of them had an eye for each other.I never would have expected to meet the brave girl in situation like this.Of course I knew how people do fit in each other and had seen pictures,but I had never done so or even seen a movie. Though I was just standing in front of her,moving smoothly going in and out like a sewing machine.I wasn't a particular feeling,it could go on and on,but was over before I could climax.It was so strange and at once I realised that it didn't mean anything at all to do so.

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