so i'm in charge the other night and i get this call from the supervisor to let me know we are getting a patient. she tells me that it is a 20something year old active duty sergeant. he was involved in a low speed car accident after doing some heroin. i feel bad for the guy as i know he will be in trouble and being addicted to drugs must be horrible, but quickly move on. after he arrived, i read his note and then it really hit me. he had been diagnosed with PTSD from his tour in iraq. i am not sure whether the drug use began before his deployment or after, but to me it did not matter. upon further reading, i discovered that he had an abusive father and a rough childhood. that was when i had my "there but for the grace of God go i" moment. on the surface his situation mirrored mine to a t. i am not sure whether i have stumbled through life with luck on my side or what. all things considered i am a very lucky man. i know that i will never be rich, but i did escape the trailer parks and string of cheap apartments which i was brought up in during my early years. i admit that i have often thought of trying drugs, but i know myself. i believe that i have an addictive personality and am convinced that my first hit of the hard stuff would be the end of me. that being said, i do the legal drug....alcohol is my drug of choice to ease the pain. most of the time i have that under control, but sometimes it does get the better of me. what do i want to forget? maybe its the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse of my natural father......probably not as i have been able to wall that off sufficiently during my years. that was a previous life to me. could it be being with my brother as he drowned when i was 10? i don't think so even though i do have guilt as i was not able to save him, although i am convinced he would have taken me down with him. could it be from working the site the night of 9/11 and telling the firefighters to put all the body parts in the same bag as they will have to be sorted out through DNA? i don't think so. iraq is what is still in my head and burning a hole through my soul. i have not shared a lot of this to my VA shrink as i'm sure they will just put the blame on the other issues and say that iraq had nothing to do with it. maybe it was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back....who knows. i do admit that sharing here is helping me to feel better. i appreciate the kind comments and words of encouragement. i do have to say that even though these blogs have a negative feel to them, i am an extremely lucky man. i have a beautiful wife, a wonderful home and am loved by many. soon i will share all the good in my life, i am just trying to get through this rough patch and make this alll part of my previous life! oh, did i mention that the young man i spoke of earlier in the blog was a nurse?????....there but for the grace............ |