MF4U4fun's blog post - Dear folks, sorry I haven't written for awhile. Cancer update

March 29th 2011

Thank you Newbie Nudes friends for all of your kind messages. I thank you so much for your sweet concern. It meant and means a lot to me. I apologize for not answering your PMs and emails sooner. I told myself that I wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with it but the truth was I just didn't have the words. I still don't have the words or skill to properly convey all of the jumble of emotions so these will have to suffice.

On Dec.14th Mom had a radical mastectomy. Her entire right breast was removed. Her cancer was rated at N2 which meant that her cancer had spread into 5 of the 9 lymph nodes under her right arm. Those were removed too. In a routine mastectomy the recovery from the surgery can be as quick as 5 to 6 weeks. In mom's case the problem was the lymph nodes. The surgery to remove them damages the muscles in the arm. She is still undergoing physical therapy to regain full control and strength in her right arm. The week after her operation she had to stand perpendicular to a wall and with her right hand "walk", as if her hand were a spider, her hand up the wall as high as she could. The pain was so intense that she was in tears trying to do it. Now three month later, mom still can not get all the way up the wall to a full arm extension but she is getting close.

Mom is living with me. She'll stay with me as long as she wants. In Jan she started radiation therapy. Her prognosis is good. Mom's a fighter and is as stubborn as I. I know she'll get through all of this.

The hardest thing for me is seeing Mom's pain and helplessness. As I said the mastectomy itself was routine and the scarring was much less than I had envisioned. Of course it is still jarring to see the disfigurement as I changed mom's bandages. So much of my self image comes from my appearance, and if I am honest with myself, my breasts. So many emotions shoot to the surface when dealing with breast cancer. You tell yourself that all that matters is that mom will recover and live. And that is true. But a deep hidden part of you fears the disfigurement and the pain. You suffer with her but at the same time you fear for yourself. The shame of that self absorption eats at you like the cancer itself. Another sad note is that mom can not paint. She does not have the hand control or strength to use a brush. Mom was a marvelous artist and it is an additional blow to her that she cannot do her art. Even her handwriting is shaky. As she told my 5 yr old, his printing is much better than hers.

The hospital connected us with a breast cancer support group and they have been a Godsend.
We are all just coping with the reality of life as it is now and doing our best. The long term prognosis is good for mom and so far we're being told that everything is treatable. So I have hope that we will get through it all in the long run. (Of course the meantime sucks) But that's life. And life seems much more precious now.

On a mundane note. I am also working two jobs now. So between mom, my children, and work my time for online play is nonexistent. I will try to stop by and do a quick check in. But for those who remember me, you'll have to supply your own sarcastic remarks.

I miss you all and thank you one more time for your sweet support.
Hugs
Maria