Onionheart's blog post - Full moon Aquarius/Leo

Moon coming full.

Without any obvious first thought, first intention, I realize now that I have started to say goodbye to the mountains and forests that I knew 40-50 years ago, in Western Canada. Part of that time I lived in a rural/wilderness community where I learned from some very important individual teachers as well as from a dedicated experimental collective of learners. I was extremely fortunate to meet these folks. It is hard to find a comparable example. I have the memories deep in my heart,deep in my mind. I am myself from that.

I have been looking for news about the many forest fires all over the west, feeling my heart so heavy, so fearful and hurting for those I knew 45-52 years ago. It does not look good at all. I am having vivid and intense memories of our shared experiences.

No rain for many weeks, everything bone dry, hot winds in the afternoons and evenings. Many fires, no relief in sight. I cannot imagine facing oblivion like that. My own life is hard because I have Parkinson's disease, but I would not want to trade places with those homesteaders that I knew. Spend fifty years building a home out of rocks and logs. Jimi Hendrix & Taj Mahal music coming from house, chickens running around.

It seems impossible. An unprecedented fire season is occurring. Logic would say that there is no way out of this catastrophe. Common sense would say that the fires will take everything. Common sense says climate change will obliterate many homes, many communities.

I feel myself withdrawing, pulling back, retracting my feelings. Panic is useless, I do not have the resources to respond with reason. Recently, I have had nightmares with fire episodes. I was never very good with fire-fighting, because at night in bed I would close my eyes and see nothing but flames. I was not a good fire-fighter.

I call this apartment in Montréal a shack, and in the Kootenay mountains I did live in ramshackle cabins and houses. No running water or electricity. I remember waking up in the morning with gentle snowfall and not a sound in the forest around the shack. No sound at all when I got up to meditate. A cup of water beside the bed had a thin sheet of ice in it. Build a fire in the wood heater before breakfast. These memories are so intense, so powerful.

I have a Montréal life. For 26 years this has been home. I need to focus all my desire and intention upon my real life here. Stop constantly seeking updates on the fires out west. Yes, I do have Parkinson's disease. Big hairy deal. I need to use Apple dictation to make this post. Big hairy deal. I accept these limitations and try to find peace. It is not easy. Big hairy deal.