I am posting this blog for ME,... so THAT I can feel better about myself, and feel like I have done something to WARN other women, or SHOW them they are not alone. I am re-posting this AGAIN,.. as It has been deleted twice, once because people didn't like it, and twice because i was told I needed to edit something out of it, because it was against the rules. Now, I have edited it again. I will continue to post this, as to me it's important, and is needed to be known, I know people on here DONT want to see it, but it's not your blog, its MINE, and I'm doing it for me, not to make others happy. Because I have been made to edit the same blog three times now, apparently there are a lot of truths here that people don't want on here, and is always making things look better and better,.. but I will keep posting it because I think it's worth it.
After five years of marriage, Im sick and tired of being scared and sick and tired of not saying how I feel and speaking the truth, Over five years of marriage, I have been made to walk into stores with $30 - $40 to do two weeks worth of food shopping, while he would sit in the truck and wait, as I had to deal with the embaressment, of having to put items back because I didn't have the money. He told me I knew it was going to be financially tight, so if we both knew it was going to be financially tight, then why would he think it would be okay to use what money we had for food (supposidly) to buy a belt from work? I will never forget the first time that he hit me, it was on march 20th 2011 the day that I was going to my grandfathers funeral, I dealt with having him harp on me about how I needed to work and how I needed to get a job however, there was no way to work, I had no vehicle, and when a second vehicle was put into play, then all I hear is, there is no money for gas, or he needed to use the other truck because his was in the shop or out of gas, I was even given a truck for free to help with work, to be able to get a job and bring in some income, however that took a little money, and he didn't want to spend it so he said, he wanted to save the money for when the spawn moved into the house, but the spawn had a job and money for support and didn't NEED the help, like I NEEDED the truck.The kotc, the "queen of my heart" the "you're the only person that has ever made me feel this way" "princes" "No one else can love you like I do" was supposed to be something special, something you should only be saying to ONE person as it's what it suggests, but it wasn't just me, it was every other woman as well. I have had many long nights, that many people already know about, however am un-allowed to reveal those here. I made toilet paper pads because I didn't hardly have tampons, he refused to buy them for me while he was out, he didn't want to be seen in his security guard uniform, so instead of asking I just made what I could out of what I had, and hope that it would make it till I was done. he put me in a home that he was to do work on, that had no kitchen sink, no stove, no real running hot water all the while having to cook on an electric skillet, and having to wash dishes in a sink that was sitting on a make shift stand at best, and bucket the water out because the sink was not plumbed, the land lord was a nut who was known for problems in life. Instead of working on the problems in the house he would sit and watch NN, look at photos of skinny chicks and jerk off or at least play with himself, and giving out KOTC while I was trying to get things in working order, He spent a total of 15 min on a sink drain bolt, before going back to his secret conversations on NN with other women that he would hide when I got near his computer He would send other women from NN texts about me, sending lies, and calling me names, and even got caught, he then proceded to tell me that I needed to control my PMS hormones, .. ( I wish) I was never given any information on the past wives, why they got divorced, the how comes or whys, all I ever heard about # 2 was that she was a crazy bitch and he didn't like that his spawn had talked to her, honestly seems like there is something to hide. I asked so many times to be put into the medical insurance, it was a great state insurance but he refued to pay the extra $35.00 to do it, however saying that his ex wife #2 was still on it, even though they had been divorced for years,.. lived in a home that had water issues, and instead of doing as I begged of him and get the land lord to check the water, he would always put it off, even though he would drive by the land lords house daily, to and from work, it took months for the water to be checked all the while this nasty water is being used to clean dishes, do laundry take showers in and baths, the laundry was being stained by the water, which was then my fault because his uniform shirts where stained, even though it was him that wouldnt press the issue of having the water checked. I ended up with an infection, the infection was so bad and so painful I just couldn't almost barely handle it. The water was then checked, and said to have septic bacteria in it the septic coming through the well into the home, that could have really made people sick. In five years of marriage there was no access to the bank account for me, I had no way of seeing what we had and what we didnt have, I was never added to the acount so what money problems we had, are really debatable, all things considered. I found his hidden prescription of Viagra, and after that it was always me being blamed for him not being able to keep a hardon before or during sex, the excuse being that I didn't stimulate him enough. He didn't pay his child support regularly monthly, so when tax returns came in, the money went to paying child support instead of going towards the bills that really needed to be paid, or putting food in the house, or clothes on my back, and even when he did that, he was only partially paying what he owed in child support. I have dealt with all the arguments and being spoke down to, made to feel like I was worth nothing and was nothing, this only the tip of the ice berg, there is so much that can be said, unfortunately I can't put it all here because it would break the rules. I have dealt with MANY health issues over the time of my marriage, stress that was so bad my hair started to fall out in clumps, my stomach would stay tore up, my weight dropped off and came back, I now have nightmares, and memories to remind me of that time, and have to deal with them daily. then there is the last slap in the face, where I was awarded a statue that was already mine, that was even a gift for my birthday, but I have 60 days to make arrangments to GET said statue, again that was already mine, or he gets to keep it as his property, as I have already made attempts to do so and he refuses to respond,... now the statue is worth money,.. so of course, even now, he feels untouchable because he wins a statue.
I have said all this to get it off my chest, to let other people know, for other people like me to know they are not alone, and they TOO can make it, get away and make a better life for themselves, because they ALSO deserve better. I know you can be blind, .. but eventually the blinders fade away, and the anger sets in. Then you see everything very clearly.
Made many life changing choices, work keeps me so busy, it takes up just about every hour of the day but I still find time to spoil the hell out of the hillbilly and he spoils me! Everything seems to just fall into place here, beautiful home, wonderful relationship with my better half, the ability to have all that we need, good friends and well, SOME good family. 
had some Starbucks coffee and sat down awhile talking and laughing, went into Yankee candle store and got a new candle and topper before making the trip back home. The day was wonderful, plus I get to sleep in, in the morning and enjoy waking up with my hillbilly 
