TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!!

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"

Two pregnant ladies, are sitting in bed in a private hospital, waiting
the arrival of their baby’s.

There names are Cynthia, and Rose.

Cynthia is expecting her third child, and comes from a
well-to-do-family, with private school education and is a bit
stuck-up.

Rose, who is expecting her first child, comes from a working class
family, and was educated in a public school.

Obviously, the two women get to talking.

During there conversation Cynthia, said to Rose, (snootily).

“When i had my first baby, my husband brought me a new Ford Escort,
with fuel injection.”

“Oh really,” replied Rose.

Cynthia then added: “when i had my second baby, my husband brought me
a BMW.”

“Oh really,” quipped Rose again.

“And now, i am expecting our third baby, my husband is going to buy
me, a new Mercedes.”

“Oh really,” replied Rose, who, by now, was totally pissed off, with
Cynthia.

(after a short pause)

Cynthia asked: “what has your husband brought you, now that you are
having your first baby,”

Rose replied, (in her best telephone voice) “well, actually, my
husband brought me elocution
Lessons.”

“What do you mean,” asked Cynthia.

“Well” replied Rose: “i used to say FUCK-OFF, but now i say OH
REALLY!”

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin‘?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and its Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it- Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more action. And once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age, who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: You mean I was here already?


The moral of the story: Dont be afraid of getting old, ALZHEIMERS has its advantages.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing Some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into The kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything Different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down Again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale the flounder."
"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock."

I had a bunch of American dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank .
I chose the shortest line...just one guy in front of me.
He was an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange Yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why IT change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.