My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
So he cleaned both of the dog's ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drugstore, and bought the ''Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either."
"But if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off bicycles for about a week!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gunshot.

A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they Don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been Buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the Pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist Who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat Conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the Opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind Him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched Off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend Goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched Off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man Behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the Hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and Snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole Club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, Our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your Enthusiasm now"?
The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude!!"

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said. "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman"

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"Do you mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to see my House from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the Direction of is house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour In there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

A New Drink. A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot ofBaileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK?
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job -----now have a great day.

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew".

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.