Awoman announces to her friend that she is getting
married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I
hope you don't mind me asking what happened to
your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you
about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Two guys are chatting in a bar, complaining about their wives. “My wife is really stupid,” says the first guy. “Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn’t even know how to drive.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second guy. “Last week I found a bunch of condoms in my wife’s purse, and she doesn’t even have a penis!”

...............To Be A Teacher.............
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse,
monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on
drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of
antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,
a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

You want me to do all this and then you tell me...

I CAN'T PRAY?'

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Each Friday after lunch the teacher would always give one of the students in her class the opportunity to have the remainder of the day off from class to get an early start on the weekend. Trick was, a question had to be answered correctly to be dismissed early. So one Friday the kids all report back to class, anxiously awaiting the teacher’s question in hopes they would get the chance to answer it correctly and head for home with an early start to their weekend. "All right now children," she said... "It’s question time...all pay attention and we’ll see who goes home early today." Little Johnny sits in the back...wriggling in his seat...anxious to get a crack at the question so he can go home. "OK, class...the question is....Who delivered the Gettysburg address??" Little Johnny’s hand shot into the air and waved wildly..... "All right, Sara...who is it?" "Abraham Lincoln", Little Sara exclaimed. "Have a nice weekend" the teacher said to her as she gathered her things and left the classroom. The following Friday was similar....the question was "Which President cut down the cherry tree?" Little Johnny knew the answer, but another student was picked, and answered correctly and on his way home. Little Johnny was really pissed off that he wasn’t being selected to answer the question...he came up with an idea for the next Friday. The next Thursday evening at home, Little Johnny took two ping pong balls out to the garage and spray painted them black, allowed them to dry carefully, then tucked them away in his book bag for the following day. Immediately after lunch that Friday as the students began to file back into the room for the next Friday Question...little Johnny grabbed the ping pong balls from his book bag and awaited the teacher to address the class....as she rose from her desk and was about to face the class he waited for just the right moment.... She looked at the class and said...."All right now class, it’s time for".... and at that very moment Little Johnny gave the two black ping pong balls a hefty toss along the floor to the front of the classroom.... Seing the balls bouncing along the floor.....the teacher exclaimed.. "ALL RIGHT...WHO’S THE COMEDIAN WITH THE TWO BLACK BALLS?????" Little Johnny hopped up from his seat before another sound could be made and excitedly replied... "Bill Cosby, Ma’am...See you Monday!!!!!!

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said
"Take a sweater."