An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.
Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.
The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.
When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.
As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?
"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.
So the man ventured downwards.
After five minutes the man came back up.
"Any wrong?" asked the women.
"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.
"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"
"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.
"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it's called Sexual harassment but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute

"The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
The Attorney says, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
The Officer says, "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH , underlined.'"
The Attorney asks, "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
The Officer replies, "Aggressive and Hostile Sir!"
The Attorney says, "Aggressive and hostile?"
The Officer says, "Yes Sir."
The Attorney says, "Officer....... Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
The Officer says, "Well Sir, You obviously know your client better than I do!"

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?'
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the
water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all
three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why
are you crying?'
'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George
Clooney.
'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a
good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.