An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’..

‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

"Youa gonna try again."

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'

So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!

Siamese twins walk into a Toronto bar and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us-- we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson drafts, please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"



"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"


Jim agrees.



"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."



"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English --they're so arrogant and rude."



"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.



"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"


The woman shakes her head, no.


"Kin ya breathe?"


The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.


The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.


His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!"

Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to the snowfall and bad road conditions.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should...make sure they have the following:


> Shovel
> Blankets or sleeping bag
> Extra clothing including hat and gloves
> 24 hours worth of food
> De-Icer
> Rock Salt
> Flashlight with spare batteries
> Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
> Empty gas Can
> First Aid Kit
> Booster cables

I looked like a fuckin' idiot on the bus this morning

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Canadian Rockies were a fellow from Newfoundland,a fellow from Quebec, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.



The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there is the sound of a loud slap.



When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.

The little old lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek.



The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.



The fellow from Quebec thinks: That Newfie must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.



The Newfoundlander thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that arsehole from Quebec again!

The Husband takes the Wife to a dance club.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still fuckin celebrating!!!

A guy was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and he said, "you remind me of my little toe!" She said, "is that because I'm small and cute?" He said, "NO! because I will probably end up banging you on the coffee table!"