Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After! Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photoand Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target...
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...
Husband: ! "MISSING YOU"...

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......

Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is...
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:
My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you
He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

There are 3 kinds of men in the world:

Some remain single & make wonders happen,
Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,
The rest get married & wonder what happened!?
*********
The A B C...
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."

She asks...... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful t! o me."

The judge asked, "How do you know?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
*********
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was inParis or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond....

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink... it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor...... Ever. ~.~ Mona

A parish priest was being honoured with a retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and passed a sexual disease to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good
and loving people'.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession'.

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife
now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT
MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '40 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP
APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A
10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY
NIGHT WITH A HOT 20-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG
BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A
60-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP
YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT
AND FIND A HOT 20-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT
I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A
CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A
10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE
YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny,

I'm homesick."

Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little shit will get harder!’ “

Women's English


1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You! will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."