beachdreamz's blog post

Thursday, November 6, 2008, 3:00:36 AM

Some people may wonder why I blog the stuff I do on here. Basically for me NN is an outlet in more ways than one. Not many people on here know the real me so I can say what I want and not need to worry I am hurting someone or need to worry what people think of me. This blog is just some stuff I need to get out.

On Saturday, I got a call that my fathers common law wife has 2 weeks to live. She went to the Dr and within a day was diagnosed with both brain and lung cancer. There is absolutely no chance. They have her on morphine and are doing radation for the pain but thats it. No chemo, no meds - there is no point.

As sad as I am I am not close to her. Dont get me wrong I wouldnt wish cancer on anyone in this world. As caring of a person as I am, if my life would save hers I would do it. That being said....

For the past 15 years they dated, she pushed me out of there lives. My dad was once my best friend. She was jealous of me - with no reason as I didnt even live in the same province and I and have no trouble with them being together. For a long time my family said I was imagining things or that I needed to try harder.

Two years ago when I moved to Ontario my grandmother finally saw it wasn't me and I wasn't to blame. Since then my father choose to not attend my brothers wedding...and not even call him and congratulate him. That was the final straw for me. I have been calling for the past 2 months to get some closure. I just needed him to hear I am done and he can't hurt me any more. I even called on my 30th bday but he wont answer.

No matter that this woman has come in and stolen my father away, in the end I blame him. HE was my dad, HE was the parent, and HES the one who choose her (when there wasnt even a reason to choose) I am going through shit right now because everyone thinks this could be the "miracle" that brings my family back together. I say FUCK THAT. I am truly sad for him losing her, but I am not some second prize. He didnt want me around when she was here so I am not going to come back when she leaves. Thats not fair to me. I finally feel like I am a person worthy of being loved and cared about. I have the best friends ever, and so many people who care about me. Im not going back to what I was.

Not everyone is going to agree with me here but I dont care. These are my feelings no matter if they are right or wrong. I just needed to write this all out because its been running around in my brain for days and I need everything to stop spinning.

Not everything in this life is black or white. I do pray she doesnt suffer and I even pray my father finds a way to get through this..its just going to have to be without me.

Comments

Others Have Said:

mdguy on 6-Nov-08 3:08:09

At a certain point, no matter what... things fall the way they do because of the choices we, or they, make.

He made a choice. You can offer support from afar if you choose, but if it means going back to that place then afar is must be.

Torchey on 6-Nov-08 3:09:21

I think you're right putting this on here. Take care. :) xxx

mdguy on 6-Nov-08 3:11:19

He made his choice.

NoSecrets on 6-Nov-08 22:16:09

(((hugs))) hon and hoping for the best for you always. xxx

shmucko on 7-Nov-08 3:12:44

Choices are personal, we have all made them

jphiggins on 8-Nov-08 6:07:48

*kisses*

mice on 8-Nov-08 8:37:50

If your dad’s friend did not go to the doctor until she was within two weeks of a nasty, painful death, she is a very tough woman. Directed at your father, that toughness could have led to her total domination of him. In many things you only get one chance in this life and blood is thicker than water! My two cents worth is to write a note to your dad: offer condolence, say you have been calling for two months without success and ask him to call you.
If he calls, say what you want to him.
If he does not then the final rift is not down to you!
Good luck.