me and my band checkmate had a gig today, i just got back from it in fact, it was good, in fact it was better than good we fucking rocked, afterwards some geezer came up to us and gave us his card saud he would manage us, dont think were gonna go for it, we kinda want to manage ourselves plus this guy sounded well dubious

my doctor rang me this morning said i could go see her today, so i did. she refused to put me on medication saying that she thinks the reason i may be feeling soo bad is because of the holiday season and valentines. she says they often get people down which i feel is a fair point. she also thinks that my OCD coming back strong may be simply be that due to me feeling down i may be losing the will to control it. She says that we will reasses weather or not i need meds in a week, but in the mean time we will conrinue with my sessions.

but i must say that today i do feel a little better

you know i was reading through my blogs and it occured to me that i so make it sound like my life is totally shite, know its not as bad as it appears, i mean everyhting ihave written on their is true but i guess it just sounds much worse when i put it on paper. i mean their is soo much worng with my life, but their are alot of things about my life and what i do that i mean its not all that bad. i just wish things were better

I’m really stuck for what to do, and I need someone’s help anyone. As I have mentioned before I am OCD or as some people prefer to say I am retarded. the thing about having OCD is that you end up having little control over certain aspects of your life, I mean imagine your just sat around on your own just chilling out doing your own shit, then all of a sudden you get this crazy urge to do something, something you don’t even want to do , something you wish you weren’t even doing, imagine that after you start doing said thing you try to stop and what happens you get crazy anxiety attacks which generally only go away if you continue to keep doing the thing you don’t even want to be doing. Imagine that that you go out bowling and you try to have a good laugh but the only thing that you can think about if weather or not you switched the light off, imagine that it drives you so crazy that you have to rush home to make sure you have switched it off. That is how I live my life on a daily basis and ill tell you know it isn’t fun. Know I know that it sounds as if I’m always complaining about my life, the thing is their are parts of my life that I love, the problem is though that their are parts of my life that I really wish were different, I mean its kind of hard to explain, but I kind of love my life whilst hating it at the same time, I mean I have fun doing what I’m doing I have fun living my life, I love music and I love being in my band, I love drawing and I love the fact that I am able to have fun on my own because I feel that that is one thing that allot of people are missing out on. But at the same time I find myself wondering what me life would be like if things had been a little different. I find myself wondering if I didn’t have OCD then what would I be doing right now, cos I feel that if I didn’t have OCD I wouldn’t be sat here on my own yet again writing another blog, maybe id have more friends maybe id have a girlfriend maybe I wouldn’t spend most of my time alone, I mean pretty much their is only two things that are going on in my life right now the fact that I have enroled my self in uni and that seems to be going well, and my band.

I have decided though that I am definitely going to go back onto my medication though, I mean I hate being on medication not only because I cant really drink whilst on it, but the thing is that I go on medication and I see myself not coming off, I go on medication and everything gets better for a little while, but then what happens if like I get accustomed to being on medication, then I need to take stronger doses, then what happens if I get used to using medication to sort my OCD out what would happen it I decide to come off them, will my ocd just become worse cos I would not be able to deal with that.

There are so many problems that are caused by my OCD I mean I find it hard keeping friends, I mean granted when I was younger I moved around a lot so didn’t have much chance to make friends, but know im 21 and I still have problems making friends, well not making friends so much more keeping friends, I mean the fact I go out meet people or I go to uni and meet people and things are cool for a while I mean im a good guy im a nice guy and people tell me that I am a funny guy, but the thing is that as soon as people realise that u got OCD and as soon as my symptoms come out then they fuck off and leave me alone again. Its pretty much gotten to the point that I have decided not to bother anymore I mean why try to make friends when the likely hood id that they will just fuck right off and leave me alone.

You know I think things may be a little better for me if I could find a gf, but the problem is that I also have problems finding a gf, and for once this isn’t actually totally due to my OCD, I mean I think its got a lot to do with the fact that I am overweight and not exactly the best looking person in the world, know a lot of people say that looks don’t matter, its all about the person inside, well ill tell yaw now that is a load of bollocks, the fact is the people who tend to tell me that looks don’t matter are always the pretty people the pretty people who only ever go out with other pretty people, they then come along and tell me that looks don’t matter well they can shove their fist up their arse so far they are able to tickle their brains cos they just piss me off. I mean how can you say that looks don’t matter I mean you go into a club and what do you do you don’t go up the ugly bloke and talk to him you go up to the pretty guy you’ve had your eye on and talk to him, that’s kind of the problem I guess I mean im a nice guy and if you are able to deal with my OCD then people would be see that I am a good guy to hand round with I mean I’m always good for a laugh and with me there is never a dull moment, I mean yesterday me and me band did and impromptu gig in the city centre and we fucking rocked, but the problem is not many people are able to look past the OCD and see the fact that im a decent guy but not many people can look past that, and I wish people could cos its not my fault I am the way I am, its just the way god made me.

I know it may not sound like it but I am happy I mean yeah I don’t have many friends but the friends I have are amazing people, I mean they do make allowances for my OCD but at the same time they don’t make me feel like I am any different and I love for them they are some of the best people in the world and I wouldn’t trade them in for anything, and yeah I may not have a gf, I mean their a re a couple of people that I like but they don’t seem to even know that I exist (trinity I’m not talking bout you, I’m referring to people I have actually met) but you know what im aware that things could be much worse, so I guess ill just live my life and see what happens, I just hope that the future brings me something good.

Im still not sure weather or not im gonna go back onto my meds or not but, its looking like I will, it seems that that will be the best thing for me and maybe it will help me get to the place that I want to be.

i got an appointment with my doctor on monday, so that we can determine weather or not i shoukd gi back onto medication. i hate being on medication, for a few reasons, dirstly i dont like the thought that the only way i can control my actions is with medication, that thought just makes me feel ashamed of myslef, i also hate the fact when im on meds i cant really drink much, something which i seriously enjoy, the worst thing about being on meds for me though is the simple fact that, ifnd myself thinkig whar will i do if it comes to the point that im am totally dependant on drugs to keep my ocd under control, and that thogut scares me. but right now i think that going back on medication is a good idea

Ok so valentines day was today, and i didnt get anything not one valentines, although to be honest its not as if i was expecting one, lets just say that i am not exactly popular amongst the fairer sex, maybe it cos im perverted maybe its cos im averweight maybe its cos i have a slightly abrasive personality, maybe its my OCD i dunno , but when it comes to me and girls my then my track record is expetionally bad.

Valentines is actuall almost over for me, and to tell the truth im glad, this is the day that makes me feel bad about myself, im ususally single on valentines day, heck im simply ususally single, normally that doesnt bother me at all, i enjoy my life, but valentines day just makes me feel like a lost cause. it makes me feel like im just hopeless.

Im gonna try and turn my life around this year tho, i think that if i was just a little more out going and not soo much of a homebody, then things may actually get a bit better for me (in regards to relationships anyway),the thing is tho is not like i cant talk to girls at all, i mean i can alot of my friends are female but thats the problem, they allways end up judt becoming my friends, maybe its because im a nice caring polite guy, but whenever i meet a woman i allways end up being the really good friend, im never the guy they actually like, im never the guy they want to staet seeing and it gets me down.

i think i might try to lose some weight as well and go buy some new clothes, cos i actually think that some of my problems stem from the fact that i have low self confidence, due to the fact that i have been knocked back so many time. i dont realy know what the future holds for me relationship wise, all i can say is that i hope tomorrow is a better day than today.

im not in a good mood, due to my OCD i am now obsessed with trinity lain, i think she is fatastic, but now i have a problem, i want to join her website, hell im dying to join her website, but i cant as i live in the uk and dont own a credit card. so im screwed and its pissed me off. DEATH TO CCBILL

so i have had the worst night ever, i go to bed at 11oclock so i can get a decent night sleep cos i got to get up at 6.00 to get to class (it takes me like 1 hour to get ready in the morn im really slow then it takes like an hour and a half to actually get their) anyways i go to bed early cant sleep, so i get online to kill some time, come 4.00 i start to feel tired, by now its too late to go to bed cos if i do their is no chance that i will make it to my class. so i have to drown myslef in some of the strongest coffee imaginable just to stay awake, so know its 6.00 im getting ready for class, my body wants to sleep, my mind is jacked on coffee. and i generally feel like shit. good god today is soo gonna suck ass

i drew this let me know what u think

its funny you know, i am the sort of person who never shuts up. i allways have something to say about something i allways have an opinion and i am willing to share it. but when it comes to writing a blog, i tend to be stuck for word. i guess its cos nothing interesting ever happens in my life. i lead what some people would call a boring esxistence, but the intersting thing is i like it.

I dont have many friends never really did, i think this is down to the fact that i moved around alot and was quite poor, so whenever i moved house i was never able to keep in touch with the friends i had made, plus on top of that i spent alot of time living in the coutryside (no i wasnt a gypsy) so their was never really much to do exept play with my brother and develop some hobbies so you could say that i have become a homebody.

i dont really go out much either, thats generally due to the fact that i hate the music they play in the clubs around here, i mean i love music, but the stuff they play in the clubs here is just music by numbers and that drives me crazy they never play any thing which actually has any thought or imagination put into it.

never really had a gf either, i think this is because of the fact that i am a little picky when it come to girls, i like the petite one i like girls who are small tight, and "barely legal" such as Jordan Capri or if you want the name of someone on here then Trinity Lain,you knopw the sort of petite beauty that weighs like 100lbs and you can just pick em up and throw em around as you have some of the best sex of your life, know how many petite litle girls do you think their are who wanna go out with, a 6"4' guy who weighs almost 300lbs, now if that alone isnt bad enougth but if you add that to the fact that i also want a woman who is their own person, someone who doesnt just do things because other people do things, someone who is able to form their own opinions and who is simply their own person"

Know all that may seem really bad, but like i stated near the begining i like my life, i read alot of books the last book i read was dead famous by ben elton, its a great book you should check it out. im also in a band with 3 of the few friends i have managed to keep, were called checkmate and we do hip hop, but we do it to a full band not electronic beats like you hear on most rap songs, we have a drummer a bassist an acoustic guitarist a singer and of course me a rapper, ppl have astually said that we sound like a british nas crossed with coldplay.

i also like to draw plus being an avid fan of anime and the female form alot of what i draw falls under the general catagory of hentai, i also like to draw optical illusions simply cos i think they are cool

well thats all i can be bothered writing bout, its not the best life ever not the most intersting life ever but you know what u like it and i gotta say i wouldnt trad eit in. feel free to leave ya comments and you never know at some point i may reveal a little more of myself