candy-kain's Blog - page 1

Thought id share a quick joke with you.

Mother is in the kitchen cooking the dinner when her 10 yr old boy walked in and asks his mum why granny has a prawn ??
Mum looks a bit confused and tells the boy that his granny doesnt have a prawn, the boy becomes quite insistant that granny has a prawn , so , mom asks son to show her what it is .

Son takes mother into the sitting room where graany is fast asleep in the chair next to the fire on legs wide open and no knickers , "there mum" says the boy grannys prawn he says pointing to her clit , Mother smiles and explains to the boy that this is grannys clitoris ..... something that ladies have ...the boy sits thinking and replys to his mother , "oh well it sure does tastes like a prawn mom"

The never ending trail of beauty huh,

Eyebrows plucked and shaped,
Armpits, legs and bikinilines waxed ,
Pierced nipples , navals and clits.
And we wont take it up the arse ..................
COZ IT HURTS ....lol

A wise man once said that you should treat your woman like you treat your vacuum cleaner ......................when it stops sucking ................change the BAG xxxxxxxxxxxxx

hehehehe , made me giggle xxxx

You'll always be my best friend
whether near or far,
You'll always hold a special place
deep within my heart.

A gentle word
A tender touch,
A great big hug
They mean so much.

A gentle man
A great big heart,
A frienship none
could ever part.

A gentle smile
A cheeky grin,
A dirty wink
from deep within

The secrets shared
The truths we told ,
Close to our hearts
we shall hold .

A true and honest friend to me
Your all a man could ever be ,
The whole of you , the whole of me
A frienship that will always be .

For ~blazecat !~

xx Thankyou xx

kisses
xxxxxx

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Holy Father.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,"Dopey,there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,

"Dopey sh*gged a penguin! Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man. Love, to forgive him and Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a
tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING
OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through, Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run, Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb, So when the hell's he gonna cum? Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag, And what revenge, you're on the rag!

What am I?
What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in n out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am.

What am I?

Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?