Well, the shit's hit the fan. Twice already. My girlfriend had been suspicious for a while. I don't initiate sex, and when she does, I don't quite respond. I get too self-conscious at times, and sometimes I feel irked because I feel like I'm expected to satisfy someone else'desires.

It's hard. It's hard when it's limp and you want it to harden up. I've promised to get some help. But it's expensive, and I don't even know if it'd work. Fortunately, now days go by without me looking at porn, and I don't feel that compulsion to masturbate when I'm on my own. Half the reason why is probably guilt. Though guilt has always been the big landscape in the background of all this.

I saw "Shame" by Irish director Anthony McQueen. That sums up a lot of the feelings that I've been having the last few years. We saw it together. She hated it. It depressed her. I was gobsmacked. The acting was absolutely mind blowing; and the story hit home, too.

One scene that was particularly identifiable is when the main character can't get it up when he's about to have sex with a co-worker. He feels so humiliated that he tells her to leave the hotel room. In the next scene, he's screwing a prostitute leaning against the window of the same suite. The capacity to develop intimacy has been so eroded to the point that it's almost non-existent.

This has been sensed by her too. I'm distant. My visualization of sex restricts itself to sex organs and fluids and little human personal connection.

I can hardly say that this numbness is something I'm grateful for.

It's been a while since I decided to quit porn; I've relapsed a couple of times since then, but I've been good. There are scars, though, my self-esteem is low; (and get this cartesian sentence my mental libido is through the roof, but my phyisical libido is almost non-existent, whatever that means. In actual fact, it probably means that, as I've said previously on this blog, my sexuality is vicarious. So much so, that yesterday I had to sit on the steps of the State Library, breathe deeply and explain to myself why it was not a good idea to go to the porn shop and pay to see a naked woman through a glass window. Fortunately, I didn't.

Hours later, at night, I didn't feel in the right place to foreplay and have sex with my partner. I feel awkward. Anyway, enough of the old self-pity, who wants to read about that? Do all the other folk who write about it on NN?

The withdrawals have started; in fact they come and go, but they're most present when I'm on my own. I haven't looked at porn or masturbated in almost 3 weeks. And I've had sex twice; I'm still working on my libido with my partner, and I feel better. My porn addiction (if it can be called that) is conditioned behaviour, the triggers being privacy and my capacity to procrastinate. The habit of picturing the naked bodies of most women I see was (or is) both its cause and effect, and all this compounded with my knack for repressing emotions created the perfect formula for my addiction to vicarious sex. I've been burrowing in this very enjoyable habit that has affected me in several ways. But I feel more in control now; I feel like I've scored against an addiction, and it feels good.

Well it's been 14 days since I last looked at porn and jerked off. It feels good; though yesterday was pretty hard. I was having flashbacks of images that really turn me on, but I left home and occupied myself with something else (making sure cars didn't hit me while I rode my bike). Eyeing girls up was a lot harder to repress, and I do think it's harmless, as long as you don't do it intensely and in a creepy fashion. So, I just let my eyes and imagination do their thing (while I carefully rode along).

I still struggle with my real-life libido. I think of sex often; I fantasize with women continuously, but it's all in my imagination. It's hard to shake off years of a highly active vicarious sex life. One of the consequences is that I don't always want to have sex with my partner. The switch goes on about twice or 3 times a month; but I trust it'll get better as I get used to not looking at porn any more.

Fear does strike me sometimes, however. A thought assaults me from time to time: I've been in a faithful(ish) monogamous relationship for nearly 10 years. I'm in my early 30s. Women still look at me. Is wanting other women most of the time just a product of our highly-sexualized consumerist culture (hipster comment anyone?)? Or is it just normal? Maybe it'd be healthy to have a fling once in a while. I don't know. It gives me a reason to keep blogging under this anonymous persona.

Here's a little article on the ritual of Bukkake. Bukkake seems to have signified a variety of things before gaining its current meaning: From a type of noodle to a punitive act against adulterous women. Here's the article below; I found it on the Vice magazine website (http://www.viceland.com/int/v7n8/htdocs/bukkake.php). It's short and sweet even though it's got a typo ("masterbation". Enjoy..


BUKKAKE ON MY FACE
Welcome to the Ancient Tradition of the Japanese Facial




In the exciting and dynamic world of porn, change is always on the horizon. In the 28 years that have followed Deep Throat, we've gone from bi and lesbianism to anal action with the highly flouted double-penetration (DP) fad following swiftly after. And these are just the bestsellers. Less mainstream genres such as labia breaking and gangbanging have emerged, with the latter creating superstars like Annabel Chong. The mass-fucking genre has all but exhausted itself now, with wannabe porn-stars topping 500 lays at once in an empty bid to capture past glories. Adult movie fans are looking for the next big thing.

It's called bukkake, with the word now going through its third transmogrification. First it was a type of white pasta or noodle which resembled a string of sperm, then it was used to describe an ancient feudal Japanese practice intended to punish adulterous women. According to legend, a cheating wife would be bound so that all the men in the village could dispense their sperm on the unfaithful woman's face and body. Now it's a cinematic recreation of the said practice, but with less humiliation and more sluttiness.

The videos are pretty much the same. They consist of one or two girls, dressed in traditional Japanese costume in a room filled with up to 50 or 60 men, receiving multiple cum shots to the face. Most girls receive a dozen facials per scene and are drenched in it during the bukkake bonanza. The new twist in the videos is that the girls can't get enough. In fact, they are often xxxxxx to supplement their ingestion with a large pint glass full of the stuff.

THE REIGN OF CUM

To describe a bukkake video, it is perhaps best to let the producers speak for themselves. Shuttle Japan, the official bukkake company who sells videos for $100 each, says: "From the ancient ritual of concubines, we bring you the lost art of Bukkake providing you with one of the most comprehensive and largest Bukkake Style -- Asian Cum Face Collection!" They describe the popular "Bukkake Cheer Girl" series as: "Facial cum shot mania only. The Rain of Cumshots. A lots of blowjobs. Cute face masterbation!"

Now a massive tsunami of bukkake seems to be heading our way in the form of extreme bukkake, American-style. Milehigh's most recent American Bukkake 9 recently doubled Japan with 107 shots of goo in a brilliant bukkake-fest of typical American over-consumption.

All this exorbitant ejaculation begs questions like "Are the ladies really swallowing it all?" and "Is there any chance it's fake and they're just drinking look-alike cum?"

Apparently not. Lonestar, who runs the "Bukkake Lover's Paradise" explains. "When they drink the sperm from a glass or a big cylinder, they are drinking the real stuff that has rolled down their face into a silver dish. Periodically throughout the show, the dish is emptied into that same glass or cylinder. Some girls are repulsed by the taste; others seem to savor it. I do not consider sexually explicit material to be at all degrading to the models. Because these bukkake girls love their bukkake. Bukkake is good for them!"

OWEN CLEGG