clittylicker's Blog - page 8

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS. Have I posted this before??

A little old lady slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. She rather unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhave ddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos; actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryyy aa ppinkk onnee tttenn inchessss lllong aaand aabbouttt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that vibbrrraaaattttes?"

The clerk responds,"Yes we do."

The poor old lady replies, "Ddddooo yyooouuuu knnnoooww hhoooww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuuuucccckkin ttthinggggg offfff ??"

Woohoo!! A brand new granddaughter arrived this afternoon!
3.3 Kg, both Mum & bub doing well.
I'm a happy lil Grandpa. ). )

Well, the house extensions are finished at last, the builders did a great job, I'm really happy with my great new office & the extra bedroom.

On another subject, NN blogland seems to be getting nuttier by the minute. Some of the inmates don't seem to know whether they are full of love and sweetness, full of hate & bitterness or just full of................well, just full of it.

Hope everybody had a great Easter.

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY for Friday the 13th NB. XXXX

A teacher was testing children in her Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.


She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?"


"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"


Again, the answer was 'No!'


By now she was starting to smile.


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"


Again, they all answered 'No!'


She was just bursting with pride for them.

She continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"


Kinda brings a wee tear tae your eye...

On the first day she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time
the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit..

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......





... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world are you gonna do with a dead mule?"

Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Dad said "Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Dad & Dave now work for the government.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall
in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly,she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.What's your name?"


"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
" And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"










"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."