dirtycopper's blog post - It's okay that I'm not okay.

I read that in a post on Fetlife today. A user there was dealing with a bad breakup from the sound of it, and posted that on her blog.

"Healing takes time and it's okay that I'm not okay."

Wow. I really needed to hear that today.
So to all of you that have asked and are wondering...

no, I'm not okay.

I am dealing however. Sometimes it's moment to moment still, other times it's better, but overall, I'm not okay. And I probably won't be for a while. I think that's something I needed to realize. I think I've been expecting to much of myself.

The holidays are especially rough. Realizing I won't ever get to spend hours agonizing over what to get her, or make another last minute frenzied trip all over town on Christmas Eve when she happens to mention something I didn't get her.

I'll never get to see the delight in her eyes when she opens her gifts again, or see her wink at me at the Christmas dinner table when someone is telling a "scandalous" tale on an acquaintance and I know we're both thinking "If they only knew some of the things we've been up to."

I'll never again hold her as she sleeps and brush the hair from her face so I can kiss her forehead one last time before going to bed myself.

I'll never again hear her sweet laughter (followed by a snort when she was really amused).

And that's not okay. And it never will be.

But I'm dealing. I take one moment at a time. I breath in, I breath out, and I will continue to do so. I'm no quitter. Never have been, never will be.

And I'm not alone in this. There are others around me who miss her too. And there are others all over the world who miss her, or someone like her.

Most of us, if not all of us, have suffered a loss. Whether its a family member, a pet, or even a break up, we've all suffered loss in our lives. And when people ask what do we always say?

I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm hanging in there. But the truth is we aren't always okay. We aren't always fine. But we don't want to bother others with our misery as they often have their own brand of pain to deal with. So we say we're okay when we're not.

And sometimes we just don't want to hear the sympathetic remarks, or the platitudes. Sometimes we just want to be left alone with our pain. That's not saying we don't appreciate the love and affection we receive from others, it's just we aren't in a real good place at the moment and just want to be left alone for a while.

So if I, or someone you know who's suffered a loss, doesn't respond to a message of support, or doesn't answer your call when you ring them up just to chat and check on them, don't take it personally.

We got the message. We know, even if it's just seeing your number pop up on our phone, that you called and we know why you called. And sometimes the knowing that others are thinking of you and care enough to call or message you is enough.

So don't give up. Keep sending the texts, the messages, keep making those phone calls, because next time might be the time we really need someone to talk to. That one time might be the difference between a really bad day and a day that isn't so bad after all.

And if you're the one that's hurting, it's okay. It's okay to have those moments when silent tears stream down your face. It's okay to look at the heavens and scream out your anguish.

It's okay to not be okay.