dziga's blog post - It really is a big jump...

between saying one doesn't care what others do and not caring about what others do. So easy to be deceived into thinking that one is in the former rather than the latter.

In recent years, that has become apparent to me in some obvious ways. I used to really put stock into my ability to let people say and think whatever they wanted to and have it wash off my back. The lie to self came in when I believed it because I was so good at not reacting back...but the truth is I would spend endless hours dwelling on it. Guy I know likes to talk about the IMAX theatre in his head with two screens. The first screen is playing the movie, "Can you believe what they did?" Each time that movie plays (it is on an endless loop) what I did to provoke anything becomes marginalized, what they did becomes more pronounced and unreasonable...till eventually I am pure as the driven snow and they are Satan's spawn. The other screen...plays a movie titled, "If they ever do that again I'm gonna..."

Those were the movies playing in my head as I was priding myself on letting things wash off of me. A lie to self that prevented me from making any progress in that area until the truth was accepted.

A show of outward peace that belies the reality actually causes greater internal bondage. That's what I've found. Things really get good when the outward show is real because it is simply reflecting what one feels inside rather than what one wants to present to others.

When I take slight to what someone says, I am far better off investigating myself to see why I was offended than to focus on the offense as some sort of "injustice" even if it was an injustice by almost all reasonable perspectives.

One of my favorite quotes I've heard in recovery circles comes from Anne Smith, the wife of one of the founders of AA. She said, "What's wrong with me that I don't love you today?" A great way to live.