feistyfaerie's blog post - Fear.

While on vacation I learned something about myself while my friends were looking through wedding stuff for another friend of ours that is getting married next year and merely looking ahead on designs.

This is when my closest friend had spoke up and said how she planned on having her wedding. It never occurred to me personally at all until then that I had ever even envisioned myself getting married to anyone like me?

Who would want to, even?

This is when I started realizing that I believe that I'm not capable of being loved. It's possible that it's due to the fact that this condition that I have and have had for who knows how long without it being treated has some effect in me believing that with those I do know that have the disease have been through divorces over this issue.

I also don't exactly have the best track record and it isn't long at all. It's mostly out of fear because I don't want to find someone like the last one. I also don't date anyone nearby because there's a high majority of deadbeats here and I have yet to find one that can prove me wrong.

I know that there are others with this disease who merely won't date simply because they don't have things under wraps. It's kind of tough as it is. Diet is everything with this disease, but even more so there's so many things that essentially can cause problems - like stress.

But what it comes back to is that, I've never really even thought about how I'd have my own wedding if it ever happened. Growing up while other girls I knew were planning their dream weddings, all I did was buy magazines of houses with elaborate landscaping. But they also didn't get sexually abused as I had been.

All I could ask for is a roof over my head where I would feel safe and the house would be mine.

So I could breathe and live like others did. Smile and laugh and be happy.