Normally writing at a time or more a state of where I am right now isn't the best time for me.

But here I am, plugging away at my keyboards when I should probably be sleeping.

Yet I'm lost. My soul is lost. I only blog here because I know I won't be judged here let alone that this will be glanced upon by a mere few.

I'm very perplexed right now and fairly depressed.

While I'm not going to get into specifics, a situation had happened today that felt very out of the blue but not uncommon for me.

It stung but not as much as I've had it hurt before. I recognize I'm fragile but I know I'm not the only one. It's why I treated the situation carefully after analyzing it more in depth and making sure I wouldn't just make a wrong move and screw up even more.

It's what I do, I just run. I'm also growing and adapting. In typing this I believe I've answered my own question of what I should do when I've made a mess. I'm between laying low and just letting go which means cutting ties and falling off the sites I frequent with this individual.

I wouldn't be the first time I've had to, but at the risk of how I operate I'm not sure there's any options.

I'm uncertain but wouldn't this fall under the category of low self esteem? Could really use some input.

Because all I feel like right now is a giant pain in the ass and a bother.

This is a great article for so many reasons. No matter whether it be sexual or mental or even verbal abuse - it comes down to what you have to do to get yourself out of there alive.

[url]http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/5-things-an-abused-woman-this-woman-wants-you-to-know/[/url]

If there's anything that I could add to this, it would be that fear literally teaches you to face it which makes you stronger.

That strength allows you to survive, even if you're broken.

I've recently made the discovery with myself that even though, yes - I want sex. My body wants it, my mind is aware of it.

But no matter how many times I try to find that one sexual encounter, it's when my the rest of me remembers how hollow I've felt after the occurrences and I realize...

I'm no longer into sex for the satisfaction of it.

What I really want it for is something I'm still trying to understand. If you've read my blog you may have come across about demisexuality I've mentioned and the fact that this explains a bit of who I am as a person.

I've taken huge steps since being here. I'm surprised that I'm even writing this in a blog - online, and where others can see it. I ironically feel less judged here than I do in my real life and it's possibly the reason why I continue writing as well.

It's a part of acceptance that I'm still trying to grasp I suppose. Much like it would be for someone who has felt like they've been locked in a birdcage who seemingly has everything they've ever wanted.

I think it's one of those things, self-realizations or what have you where you take a look at everything you've accumulated and suddenly see how meaningless it all is.

I read a quote today that really hit me hard as well and it could be part of the reason why I'm writing:

Being single forever doesn't scare me. Marrying the wrong person and being miserable forever does.

After seeing what my brother went through I believe it scared the shit out of me. But as I have had to explain to my own mother is that I need to tell myself I am not my brother. I had to tell her this once because of how she had treated me like she would with my brother - because my brother did enough of the fighting and clawing and yelling for an entire busload of people.

My brother has asked for things and some he hasn't, yet how you treat others will come back to you in the end. I can't say that I'm exempt from that either because I have my faults as well.

Aside from that though, it'd be great for once to let go of my feelings and enjoy the moment. Yet I've grown so much within the past ten years that I guess I've learned that fictitious love isn't something that I should keep faking and I should find someone who would love me for who I am and I would return that favor.

Looking for the right guy that you want around is like looking for a car. And yes, I mean how women look at cars.

Some women just want a car for the color and how cute and sporty it looks.

Others might want to know the engine size and gas mileage along with the accessories.

Truth be told we all have our own ways of shopping and my car is versatile, stable, good on gas mileage, has an apparent 5 star safety rating I didn't know about as well. I've also been told that this car suits my style. But my favorite thing about my car is that it stands out from the rest of the others.

I didn't want a sporty car, I already had had one and while I enjoyed it, I didn't find it suited me and I've always had to rest my leg against the sidewall of the car and I didn't like it. I still love V6s over a 4 cylinder but my car handles well enough with a 4 cylinder so I'm not worried.

The space compartments are perfect, I can listen to my ipod and be able to switch a song with relative ease - pending the roads are safe anyway. I no longer have to prop my leg against the sidewall of my car with this vehicle.

I've already had two offers on my car and it's 5 years old this year. What the others don't realize is that maybe I don't want to sell.

Also so the guys don't feel left out here because heaven knows I've had my moments with this, but after taking Auto Mechanics in school I thought I'd share this:

Not naming names here but you message me MONTHS later after we were supposed to meet up - sending me messages about how you were wrong and all after blowing me off? Well guess what?

Karma is a bitch.


Your ass is blocked.

All I can say is, damn.


Thanks FalconTex.

My cousin reminded me of something funny I said recently that had him laughing himself silly.

"Flynn Rider is like sex on a stick." RAWR.

"It doesn't matter where you roam
When no one's left to call you home
I might have strayed a bit to far
I'm counting all the moonlit stars and

I'm a little lost at sea
I'm a little birdie in a big old tree
Ain't nobody looking for me
Here out on the highway

But I will be found
I will be found
When my time comes down
I will be found

Some days I think it's all okay
Some nights I throw it all away
I saw her face and I could tell
My ghost had left the town as well and

I'm a little lost at sea
I'm a little birdie in a big old tree
Ain't nobody looking for me
Here out on the highway

But I will be found
I will be found
When my time comes down
I will be found

I'm a little lost at sea
I'm a little birdie in a big old tree
Ain't nobody looking for me
Here out on the highway

Maybe I'm a runaway train
Maybe I'm a feather in a hurricane
Maybe it's a long play game
But maybe that's a good thing

'Cause I will be found
I will be found
When my time comes down
I will be found

So I keep running till my run is gone
I keep on riding 'till I see that dawn
And I will be found
I will be found"

I Will be Found (Lost at Sea) - John Mayer

Aside from being greeted by my puppy which was ridiculously cute after getting home - I have found out more information than I ever thought I would recently.

I drove to 850 kilometers to see an Endocrinologist to see about what else I can do to help my thyroid and my condition. Along the line of communication I made it known that I was adopted. The Endocrinologist asked me if I knew my birth family and I stated that I did. The Endocrinologist made mention that it's more than likely hereditary and that up to 94% of women actually have Hashimoto's Disease. Men can actually get it as well but it's less likely.

Upon my findings and corresponding with a cousin in my birth family who lives in the area about Hashimoto's, she asked an Uncle about if anyone in the family has Hashmoto's. She texted me back and she wasn't happy since it was another secret within the family that others should know about.

As it turns out, both her mother and grandmother have it. She told me straight up that she was pissed off about it. All I could really say was that at least she has a heads up whereas I had no help whatsoever and had to find out on my own.

All in all, I got home after a day of waiting for a snowstorm to blow over that made the visibility so horrific I stressed out over it and ended up sleeping for what felt like two days. But I'm safe, and home.

I hate winter.

Sapiosexual Test: You have reached 71 of 100 points, (71%)

25 – 75 points = This is an average score. You do find intelligence attractive but not necessary for sexual attraction.

Demisexual Test: You have reached 82 of 100 points, (82%)

If you got 60 points or above, you are Demisexual.

The Demisexual

As a Demisexual, you only develop feelings of sexual attraction for a person after developing deep emotional or mental connections with them first. This means that you may spontaneously develop feelings of desire for any person in your life of whom you are closely bonded with. Otherwise, it’s very rare for you to feel any immediate attraction to a person based on looks or personality. For this reason, you fall into the middle of the Asexual and Sexual spectrum, experiencing no primary attraction to people, but forming secondary attraction to people you’ve connected with deeply. As such, it’s very rare for you to feel aroused by pornography or to be manipulated by societies use of sex to sell products. Also, it’s very uncommon and perhaps impossible for you to cheat, or to feel attracted to many different people in your life time. In summary, you:

Must first bond closely with a person to feel sexually attracted to them.
Rarely experience “love at first sight”.
Don’t experience any primary attraction to people, e.g. breasts, asses and muscles are aesthetically pleasing, not sexually arousing.
Can be perceived as “frigid” and sexually “aloof”, often being mistaken for Asexuals.
Can develop feelings for best friends, work partners, study buddies, family friends etc.
Rarely sleep around or cheat in relationships.
Are sexually attracted to very few people in your lifetime.
Only interested in having sex with people you love.

You can find this stuff at http://lonerwolf.com