honeyme's blog post - Different sides for every season?

Wednesday, July 29, 2015, 10:17:24 PM

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I have a multitude of different sides to my character. And in real life, although very outwardly confident, inside I'm rather shy. And one of the things that is a real trigger point for my self doubt moments is dressing up. I'm a real tomboy in real life.. with a leaning towards rock chick. I've not worn a skirt in years and don't even talk to me about dresses.
And yet, today, I eagerly dressed up in 2 of the sexiest skimpy dresses I could find, spent an exciting 3 hours taking photos and then posted the best of them on to the internet for strangers to rate and enjoy. Can someone explain that juxtaposition to me as I can't begin to even understand it myself.
As soon as the dress was on, I knew I was sexy. I felt it deep inside. It didn't matter that I don't like my legs. It didn't matter that I've got cellulite. It didn't matter that I hate my stomach. It didn't matter I wish I was 5 inches taller. I was sexy. I knew it. And I'd like to hope that shows through in the photos.
But the thought of going out in public wearing a dress fills me with dread. Why is that? I wish I knew.
What I do know, is that actually, the girl in the photos, the sex kitten if you will, is much more of the real me than the shy girl hidden away in a hoodie. Which is actually very sad, no?

And this links in to one of the reasons I'm so conflicted about men in general at the moment. I'm not meeting the kinds of men I like in my real world, because I'm not actually showing all of me. What you see is not what you're going to get. That's what lead me to seeking a 'friend with benefits' (hate that term but at a loss for a better fitting one at the moment) online. I can be my kinky, exhibitionist, desperate to find someone to pin be down and fuck the shit out of me self better online.. so the theory should be I'd find a better fit, right?
Ermm no.. Because it seems that a good 95% of men in cyberspace assume that if a woman is openly expressing the desire to meet up and have a good time between the sheets, she'll do that with just anyone. That's it's ok to be rude and disrespectful because she must be a slut. I won't paint everyone with that same brush, but its sadly the majority. There also is an assumption that if you're looking for sex, then you've very little self respect and you're just looking for a quicky. Again, for me at least, not true.
Am I really so very wrong if I want a man to put just a tiny bit of an effort into a conversation with me? And for me to need intelligence to engage me? And why can't I hope that a member of the male species might be up for taking a walk in the park, or meeting for a beer, sharing a conversation and a lot of laughter before taking me bed and rocking my world? And if I say I'd like to have the occasional conversation or text to say 'hey, how's your day been?' between those dirty dates, I'm genuinely not a step away from proposing marriage.
I'm a woman. I'm a complex pacakge. I've got edges and curves and many many different sides. And I wish I could find a place where I could show every single side. Away from the internet I'm not showing the inner heat, and online I'm showing so much heat I miss the simple joy of being connected to someone.
And that is why, for now, I'm not even looking.

Comments

Others Have Said:

OldTroubador on 29-Jul-15 22:51:41

Honey, I suggest you look for a status by Miele Gattina. While there are a number of morons who do not understand the multitude of reasons why people post here, the least being a desire to hook up with every stiff penis that comes down the pike.
I, also, would enjoy a walk in the park, maybe around a lake, or just sitting and watching the birds flit around, with a lady. But the nature of my job denies me this. But a pleasant conversation, over a nice meal is not outside the realm of possibility.
You are a sexy lady, without a doubt. The anonymity of the internet allows each of us the ability to express ourselves in ways that, publicly, are unimaginable. But that does not take away from a person's, your, sensuality.

OldTroubador on 29-Jul-15 23:04:09

*while there are a number of morons....down the pike* most of us DO understand, and will treat a lady like a lady first.

CrunchyPB on 30-Jul-15 5:43:37

Another awesome and open blog, Honey. I'm glad that you've been able to explore a different side to yourself on NN. I'm sure there are a number of men other than myself that are also very grateful for your posts. Over tim, I have found that the people that fit with me (which sounds similar to what you described) tend to be found in status.
I really hope that you manage to carry some of your new-found confidence over to your outside life. Try wearing a dress (maybe with some sexy underwear!) and when you feel the lack of confidence think of the comments that you have from here to perk yourself up.

DubbleStrubble on 30-Jul-15 7:12:07

You never know what you'll find here, anything from the thrill of the exposure to despair at the horny dickheads, from quick relief to a true connection. Or even what you didn't know you needed in the place you'd least expect it .... good luck :)

meisterfinger2 on 30-Jul-15 10:10:38

Actually, what you're looking for sounds like a relationship, no?

Nothing wrong with that. And actually nothing wrong with marriage either, as long as you can cope with supporting the patriarchal conspiracy.

I try not to give advice, because I have learned that I'm not very good at it. But I have learned, repeatedly, that this is a porn site and not just Faceboobs. So yes, you're going to find people here who want sex without any concept of connection or commitment. I would find that very difficult, but that's just me and I may well be in a minority on here. Which is fine. But you can get wires crossed sometimes. I was taught at school how to decline invitations politely, but a few invitations on here have gone some way beyond that!

cs06 on 30-Jul-15 19:31:41

I've been here 'a while', believe me you're not alone, this is a very familiar scenario, I've always kept this part of my life somewhat well hidden haha, mixing the two would be akin to 'crossing the streams'. I guess some of us are destined never to be our real, whole selves because we have so many different sides we show to different people. Good blog!

honeyme on 30-Jul-15 22:00:35

meisterfinger2, you raise an interesting point. I must say I agree, what Im looking for does sound like a relationship. Emphasis on the word sound. In my head however, I don't think that's what it is. I refuse to accept that that mythical middle ground of sharing an intimate connection through sex that spills out a little into real life without it becoming a full time commitment is impossible. Rare and unlikely I admit, but not impossible.
But, I am wise enough to wonder if in fact Im mistaken. Most men I've had the pleasure of conversing with in recent weeks have drawn the conclusion you did.. That I'm wanting a relationship. Which is roughly when the likelihood of a swift roll in the hay disappears! Just another reason why I'm taking a break from dating while I figure some of this stuff out.

newromantic on 31-Jul-15 6:46:39

All so true we all want a relationship, a special one in our live but often as were intelligent and let our heads rule our hearts we think it is not possible to find that one, from past experiences or just logic but we do so have that desire in all of us xxx

BuxomXhunter on 2-Aug-15 12:34:03

I think the second half of your blog is consistent with what a lot of ppl want, at least I know I am that way, it isn't easy, for some it is very very difficult for a wide range of reasons, when I was younger it was easier now that I'm old old old, it is very difficult, no one wants to be rejected and no one wants less than what they want, so does one accept less which is also less for the other person or do you hold out for more of what you want and wait and wait and wait and then there is the middle ground take what you can when you can and enjoy it, but does it become conflict later, I don't know, thank you for sharing your thoughts, real life no matter which venue you are cruising through

nosanity on 23-Apr-18 10:15:55

So many questions, so few answers, so many similarities....

I don't know why you dislike wearing a dress in public even though you know that you look good, but I do know that I look (to many people) better and more stylish in a suit than in my default jeans and t-shirt. Do I ever wear a suit ? My wife likes me to, but not even for weddings (even my own) or funerals if I can avoid it.
Although I quite happily dug one out from the back of the wardrobe for my NN profile pic !

Back in the real world only one of my very few close friends knows much of the inner me, but here I find that I will happily tell all to complete strangers.

Shyness means that I've never had a "one night stand" in my life, always needing a few beer and conversation meetings first, although the inner me is likely fantasizing that the lady walking in the park with me is wearing a dress with nothing underneath and just hoping that we find a deserted spot where anything could happen...

I'm supposed to be just a simple male.....................but I find that I'm a complex one!