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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat! in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Well i just watched something on T.V about breast size.
According to them DD's are very bad and that men/women are not happy with that size.One bloke actually said that DD's are a waste and women with them should go out and get a reduction as they are a big turn off...Are you kidding me i have DD's and i think they are my best feature and this guy obviously has not got a bit ever to have that thought...So i am proud to be a DD and i wont be going to see a plastic surgeon anytime soon...So to the men/women who don't like DD's all i can say is Jealousy is a curse but a gut ache is worse ;P.....

According to recent studies, blow jobs are the healthiest breakfast as it comes with a sausage, 2 nuts and a protein shot. Stay healthy girls... Suck a dick.

Well yesterday started off as a great day the sun was shining not a cloud in the sky,having a laugh with a patient at 4:30 pm about silly things but he was laughing so hard he wanted music on so i put music on for him i said i will be back in 30 mins but when i got back he was in distress, i tried to do CPR he took his final breath in my arms....and there was nothing i could have done or anyone he was gone....he was 31 and he was a beautiful man...R.I.P H.R

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Tell me why when people are happy others love to tear them down??
Tell me why people don't like other races??
Tell me why people love to hurt others ??
Tell me why love seems to be the hardest word to say??
Tell me why when somebody is hurt and you caused it you can't say sorry??

Tell me why when people post photo's you have others treating them like crap???

I know you can't tell me why but these are questions we need to ask ourselves as nobody knows why we do the things we do!!!!!!

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a man Robin Hood
Who lived in a Knottingham wood
He learned how to fuck
from old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever he could

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil

There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
There she'd bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren't concerned
For by now they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase.


A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

Now this right old man was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef
Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run
Cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piana
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...

There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went

There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly
Her innocence lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did cum
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she
Inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."

Said a fool whose mind was quite miniscule
As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle
"I don't believe in astrology
It's my ideology
But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical.

I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.

One day, a man's wife went to work. Before leaving she kissed her husband good-bye, told him she'll be back at 2:30. So he invited some friends over, to come at 12:00. Then the door bell, he opened the door expecting to see one of his friends, so thinking it was his friend he greeted them with his friend hello:"shakalacahoo... wait hun, is that you?!" The lady said:"yes..." he said:"you're home early!" The lady said:"Yes, I missed you, so I thought I'd come over and give you a surprise!" He said:"well, what is it?" Then the lady took off her coat underneath her coat she was wearing a small bra, and Lacey thongs. Then he said:"Whoa, hello! Come to papa!" So they went to the couch, and kissed each other and stripped clothes off each other. All of a sudden the door opened... his wife had just walked in. She screamed:"what are you doing that's my twin sister!" The man said:"oh, I should've known, because she is more Flexable!" The wife threw out her sister, then said:"oh, I'll show you how Flexable I am." He yelled:"OH BABY COME TO PAPA!!"

I walk through the meadows
Glistening, wandering
Creating when I can
Dancing
Listening listening
For voices I think will never come
Only my own voice

No
All the voices of old
Haunting and torturing
The severe lack of magic
that weighs on my stomach
I dance with doubt, disgust
My own disasters
I lay with the loneliness
The starving place between his arms
Wander through these brambles, thorns
These voices are tying me down
I struggle to hear something else
Some new voice
Listening listening
For something that glistens
Something to make my words glisten again

And now here you are
You are the voice
You are the magic
This is not a love story
Love?
What do I know of it
concerning you especially
I don’t even know who you are
But you are the voice
The one I’ve been waiting
and listening for
Because you are the voice
who called me back to my meadow
the voice who made me start writing again

You startled me
You spoke to me
You made me believe in magic again

You listened

Yesterday i asked my girls what would you like off mum and dad for christmas,My oldest said i would like for you and dad to go out for tea which i replied but thats not a christmas present for you she replied yes it is i want you to enjoy a night out without us because you have done everything for us we want you to have fun. i started thinking how grown up she is i would never have thought a 10 yr old would think about others and not worry about getting the cool toys,games or clothes like her peers were going to get,so i went shopping today and i brought her something special so im hoping she is going to enjoy it.