We are likely to have the third fatality this week from my work family with an employee on life support in ICU with zero brain activity. He was on his motorcycle last night with no helmet and a deer jumped in front of him. This is our 3rd loss due to a motorcycle accident this year. 4th in the year and a half that I've been here. Frankly, I'm generally cold about death. I haven't lost anyone close since I was a kid & this is one of those things I generally don't know how to react to. My current job is in the front office. I'm supposed to be the warm, friendly face to brighten every visitor's day. I've been so frayed lately as it is that I'm just sitting here crying. I have no backup today so I'm trying to tough through. With both my parents owning motorcycles & one being enough of a jackass to never wear a helmet, this isn't just a work family tragedy. It's a reminder to how closely tragedy is hovering to my blood family and how unexpectedly it could strike. I am a strong woman but I really don't think I could survive losing my father at this point. It is now my mission to convince him to sell the damn thing a.s.a.p. Life is completely out of our hands. You can't control when you'll be taken but why do people tempt fate so hard? This definitely confirms for me that I need to practice living in the now & stop thinking I'll always have time later to try this or accomplish that. Please, please everyone be careful. Take care of yourself. You are precious and irreplacable.

I keep thinking that I just keep working hard, I'll feel back to normal at some point. Ugh. I know. Definition of insanity. If what I'm doing is getting me where I want to be... well the answer is obvious.

It's the steps on the way to the answer I'm having problems with. This is beyond stuck in a rut. I went numb after what happened in December, then a bit self destructive & rounded the corner back to numb. I think I'm reaching a point where I can feel a little bit without destroying my life... but then again I have taken another random day off for no good reason.

If you've seen me in chat the past several days, you probably heard me bitch about my ulcer. Equal parts work stress & suppressed heartbreak. For someone who's been through this so many times, you would think I would be more comfortable in the territory. It just seems that the more I have my heart broken, the less I know how to handle it. Experience is not key in this area it seems.

I'm so glad I'm getting back in my groove here since it has been one of my most helpful outlets for the past 8 years. Thank you all for that. It's the attitude that keeps me coming back more than the bewbies

What was I say? I started typing this with the intent to get all sorts of honest & kind of get things off my chest. But where do I start? I'm a high functioning mess who is constantly juggling vices. I'm just trying to find something that will relieve stress & NOT fuck up my life in some way, shape or form.

So I know I need to write more, I know I need to draw again, I know I should do yoga & go for walks. But the whole spirally depression thing does this funny thing with my anxiety that snares me up nicely in a stagnant routine (if it can be called that). Today for example. Day off, what have I done? Besides a few pictures, nothing productive. House is still a mess & I haven't worked out.

I overestimated my ability to stay away from here. I worry now about being recognized on here. I never used to worry about that... at same time though I've never posted anything here that I would really be ashamed of. In fact, I've always been very open with my close friends & partners about this site. So here I am again. Faced with building my profile back up. That's okay though. I'm in a phase of my life that is full of changes.

So what's been happening with libby/belinda/kitsune?

Tried to date a normal guy. Got really spoiled for a bit. Fancy food, nice wine. All that business. He seemed really stable & decent. Quickly turned out to be insecure, jealous & showed signs of a controlling nature. Cut the relationship off quickly when he started to use threatening language (because I took a two hour nap after work & didn't text back quick enough). He has since threatened to show up somewhere for me not answering him, called me a bitch among other things. So. Normal guys are not the solution. Well, really there is no such thing as normal. I realize now that I need to take the time to be single & heal from the fiasco that I went through this past winter anyway. I am more cautious and aware now. Which is certainly not a bad thing.

I am in the process of getting a promotion at work and because of this will be traveling out of the country for the first time in November. Really my first time traveling anywhere. I am anxious about this. It is insane to imagine myself traveling. Business class out of the country even. Things are happening fast and I am trying to embrace them.