kittykats1's blog post - Pity Party, table for one, please...

The chickens have come home to roost. Well, not really. That is just an expression.

I took a good long and critical look in the mirror last night and stepped on my scale. These are things I have been avoiding doing (including exercising) for the past 2 1/2 weeks. While I have been avoiding those things I have most certainly NOT been avoiding the holiday yummies like the cookies, pies, and assorted calorie laden goodies that are served alongside the rich holiday party meals that we have had multiples of. So as I said the chickens have come home to roost - on my ass, my thighs, my hips and my belly. I have gained 6 pounds. I am extremely unhappy and disappointed in myself. I have been lax. I have been lazy. All my hard work has gone to shit and I am angry and depressed and I have no one to blame for it but me.

Not a big deal to most people I know but a huge setback for me. You see this past year I made a change in my life in order to improve my health. My blood pressure was up, my cholesterol was high and Type 2 diabetes was lurking in the background. These are all things that plague my family. I was also terribly overweight. So I started an exercise regimen and totally changed the way I cooked and ate. I lost 54lbs this past year. My health improved. Of course according to the docs it isn't quite enough. I am 5'2" tall and my doc says I should weigh between 112 - 116lbs. How demoralizing is that??? Shit. My left leg weighs fucking 112lbs. I want to weigh 130. It is what I weighed when I got married and before I had my son. I wasn't skinny skinny but I was very fit and strong at that point in my life. Of course it isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I have been battling that last 20lbs for a couple months and it hasn't wanted to budge. I worked out 4 days a week doing cardio and weights. I ate healthy. I neither drink nor smoke. But the fuckers would not come off. And now they brought friends.

Now I have 26 to lose instead of that damn 20 and I have no one to blame but myself. My willpower went out the window like the judgment of those girls you see on those "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Yup. Right out the window. I am very pissed off at myself right now. I am also feeling utterly unsexy and fugly which is ticking off my hubby. He makes a move and all I can think of is "ugh, don't touch me I am feeling unattractive." I so don't feel like the carnal sex goddess he seems to think I am (man needs his eyes checked, seriously). I just hope I can snap out of this funk but every time I make eye contact with the scale or see myself nekkid in a mirror I just feel dismal. Pardon me while I go feel sorry for myself in the corner with my 100 calorie oatmeal for breakfast.


Puurrs to all,

Currently listening to: Rancid "Timebomb"