livinghappy's blog post - Hormones

I live in Australia, it's a great place. The weather is great, people are nice and aside from every living thing wanting to kill you, I might call this country the finest place I've ever lived.

You'll have seen on the Discovery Channel that snakes, frogs, sharks and hill billies are all features of Australia. They, and many other things, help make this country great. That said, there are things I'm not so enamoured with. Take magpies for example. Don't know what they are? Google it.

I was riding home a few days ago when some pissed off magpie decided I wasn't welcome in her park. It's breading session and I'm clearly a threat to her nest which is 17 meters above me. Hormones, I tell you. I hear 'CLAP, CLAP' That's the unmistakable sound of a snapping beak a few feet above you. 'Not good' I mumble. Next, 'CLACK' as the beaks smashes into your helmet. This continues until you're quivering in a pool of blood or have scuttled out of range (and most likely, bleeding). The attack was eventually thwarted by a low hanging branch and a moment of inattention from the bird (it was too busy trying to kill me). I ducked, the bird didn't. POW! I won the battle and have since changed the route to that part of town. I'll concede that I did not win the war?

Get this. The government suggests the following as magpie deterrents for cyclists:

1. Wear an ice cream container on your head - I like this one as it would suggest an ice cream container is better than a helmet for a) deterring Magpies b) preventing a head injury c) making you look like a dick. They'd be right about the last one.
2. Carry an umbrella at all times - I've never riden whilst holding an umbrella but expect it to add a new challenge to a bike ride.
3. Cycle above 50km/h for 2-3kms - This suggestion was clearly written by someone who drives to work, drives to the mall on Saturday and spends Sunday slugging beers while watching re-runs of the Golden Girls. Like, seriously, riding at that speed for any longer than 200m would see me mowing down kids and dogs while being chased by Lance Armstrong shouting 'come ride with me!'

Here's the final price of retardation as relates to predatory Australian birds. Magpies have a similar level of protection as whales. I'm not interested in ridding the world of these flying sacks of humiliation, but at least give me a chance!