michaelthe1's blog post - felt like smiling today

Just take a few moments out to read these...!!
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to capture a
gunman who barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
xxxxxx him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the amount was too small, so
he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked
each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money
or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart".
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted,
"This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield , CA , some folks, new to boating, were
having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
their brand new 22 foot boat to go with speed. It was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a
nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what
was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and
down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of
the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped secuely in place, was the trailer!
__________________

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT

* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

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Sometimes Children make the best sense of life

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of Kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his Mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

*****************
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His Mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

****************
On the first day of school, about midmorning, the
Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the Bathroom hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

****************
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

***************
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, And Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would Get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

*****************
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

***************
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing until Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads,"
someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me"

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

thoughts of kindness;
make music not war