mlbh's blog post - Something very personal...

Okay so first I need to warn you that this entry may be a little emotional. So if you're not in the mood to read something like that...I'm warning you now...you might want to skip this.


So if you're still reading...

I lost someone very important to me last week. I'm having a very hard time with it and I thought maybe talking about it might make me feel better. Not sure why I've chosen to "talk" about it here...except that I know here I can say whatever I like in total anonymity. So here goes nothing...

My uncle passed away on Tuesday, January 26th. It wasn't a surprise as he had been very ill for a very long time.
It was 1989 when I learned my uncle had the HIV virus...and he had known about it for years before. My uncle survived and lived a wonderful life for almost 30 years after receiving the diagnosis.

It was because I grew up around my uncle and his friends that I am so accepting of other lifestyles. Not much shocks me.
Seriously...having grown up with an uncle who transformed himself into a gorgeous woman several nights a week for shows (yes he was a drag queen) and meeting my first transgendered person before I had even known something like that was possible...definitely made me an openminded and accepting person.
I hope he knows how thankful I am to have had him in my life.

I hadn't seen him since April and that was a very emotional visit. This man who was around 6'2" was down to a little over 100lbs but surprisingly he was still with it mentally. When he first walked into the room during that visit, I didn't even recognize him. Yes, I knew who I was there to see but his body and even his face had changed so much...it wasn't until he spoke that it was clear to me. That was heartbreaking to see him like that...and I wasn't sure how he could be so thin and still be up moving around and doing as well as he was.
We were told by his caregivers on that visit that he wouldn't make it much longer but nobody knew if it would be a month or a year...although a year seemed very unlikely.

We spent the next couple of days sitting around the diningroom table playing a favorite card game. Besides his physical appearance it was like old times, cutting up, laughing and reliving old stories and memories.
The end of that visit was very emotional because I knew it would probably be the last time I'd see my uncle (because the distance between us made frequent visits impossible)

As he had done before, he rebounded after that visit and even gained a little weight so there was hope we may get that year after all.
Then a few days before Thanksgiving I got a phonecall that he had been hospitalized. He was now talking to people who were not in the room and barely aware of his surrounding. Except that he knew he was in the hospital and he didn't want to be there....he wanted to go home.
They were able to get him home in time for Thanksgiving but we were told he wouldn't make it more than a few days.

The next thing you know, it was Christmas Day and he was still here. He was eating well and had stopped talking to imaginary people. I think he just liked to show off and let the doctors know they didn't know everything.

They said he wouldn't make it the few days until Thanksgiving...and he stayed around until late January.

I know he was ready to go.

The selfish side of me wanted him to stay. But the part of me that loves him dearly is glad he is no longer in pain and no longer suffering.

I've been sitting here this weekend trying to put together what I would like to say at his memorial. Wow...not an easy thing to do!
I'm trying to share the things that I remember about my uncle that most other people won't know about him. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to get up and say all of these things without breaking down in tears.

Goodbye Uncle R....love you more than words can say...but somehow I think you know that!