On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.
Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out.
The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk,
"But your wife has been here a month."

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description.
"Mother of six," he would say,
"Get me a beer!"
"Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?"
This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out,
"Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back,
"I'll be right with you -- father of four!"

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

Mary calls her husband into the bedroom.
"Now Steve, I want you to take off my blouse!"
"Good.."
"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."
"Good..."
"Now can you take off my panties."
"Very Good!
Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

My wife said that she's going to leave me.

But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0.

That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Do you remember the 80's?

You may think you've forgotten it all but I bet you haven't... see how many of these gems spark off a memory lurking deep in your head...

Anyhow... You Know You're a Child of the 80's when...

You remember when the biggest mystery in the world was who shot J.R.

Alvin Stardust taught you how to cross the road, using the classic phrase “you must be out of your tiny minds”... a bit rich coming from a man wearing a glove and a ring on the outside!

You remember a 'Man's got to chew, what a Man's got to chew'.

You remember when there was no breakfast TV and when TV shut down at midnight, and when there was nothing on TV in the middle of the day except for that test card girl with the stupid clown and a blackboard.

You know that another name for a keyboard is a Synthesizer

You can name at least half of the members of the elite Brat Pack.

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

And Pong was tops until Donkey-Kong came along,which you thought would never be surpassed.

You own any cassettes.

You own any Spandau Ballet cassettes.

You remember dancing to popsters like Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon, wearing silver suits and driving cars that flew... because that's what Raymond Baxter and Judith Hann said would happen!

You know who Max Headroom is. But did you ever find out if he was r-r-r-r-r-real?

You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

You could breakdance, or wished you could.

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

You Believed that By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power.

Partying like its 1999 seemed SO far away.

You remember when Mark from Eastenders was Tucker Jenkins.

And Frank was saying 'GGGGGGGO!!!!' on Runaround.

You watched Carry On films and thought they were really rude.

You remember what skin jeans were (and why everyone shouldn't have worn a pair!)

You owned a pair of Nomads

You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.

You hold a special place in your heart for Back to the Future.

You remember David Hasselhoff when he wore clothes and talked to his car.

You know where to go if you wanna go where everybody knows your name.

You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.

You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie.

You have heard of Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Glow-worms?

You remember and/or own any Care Bear's or Chiccaboo's.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.

You ever had a Swatch Watch.

You wanted a Morph.

You know the profound meaning of Wax on, Wax off.

You had WonderWoman or Superman underwear.

You remember that spiky flat-tops were the rave after Top Gun.

You rolled your jacket sleeves up to the elbow.

You know what Wham Bars, Spangles, Pacers and Banjos are.

You used to boast about how they would achieve those motorcycle formation shots in CHiPs.

You used to get into the family car by sliding through the open window Dukes of Hazzard style.

You saw Ghostbusters 7 times.

You ran around the playground saying: "We came, we saw, we kicked ass!"

You knew all the opening monologues to: The A-team, StreetHawk and Airwolf.

Kajagoogoo? Thompson Twins? FGTH? Twisted Sister?

You remember Nena's hairy armpits

Saturday was Multi Coloured Swap Shop day.

You remember the theme to the Banana Splits.

The words 'I'm gonna live forever, i'm gonna learn how to fly' are special to you.

You or someone you know had an Evil Knievel toy.

All girls wanted to be a Charlie's Angel.

All boys wanted all girls to be Charlie's Angels too!

You wore leg-warmers (or knew someone who did)

You know what "Dealy Boppers" are.

You used to stick both thumbs up and say 'Aaaaaaayyyyyyy'

There was nothing strange about Bert 'n' Ernie living together... or Morecambe and Wise sharing a bed!

You learned to swim after seeing the advert with Rolf Harris ... or the bloke (with the fairy godmother) who couldn't keep his girlfriend.

You've ever said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice

You know the theme tune and the names of all the actors and characters in Dallas & Dynasty.

You ever wished your hair/clothes/lifestyle resembled the above (or they actually did!).

The kids on “Why Don't You” looked old... and cool... and you know the full name of the programme.

You wanted to be either Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys.

You wanted to go to a Swaparama... but they were never near to you.

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse, and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

You know who Joey Deacon was.

Ca-vey Wa-vey!" means anything to you.

Remmington makes you think of something other than shaving equipment.

K-Tel was a major force in music.

You owned a Ronco Buttoneer.

You wouldn't say no to a milkshake

You remember when PC had one meaning, rather than three.

(Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally worn with leg warmers!

(Boys) You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white toweling socks!

Ooh, you could crush a Grape!

You've ever held a chicken in the air, or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You went to school with Pogo Patterson, Gripper Stebson, and Roland.

Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy have ever featured on your Saturday afternoon