12 Days of Christmas - letters
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist....
you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those
squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and
they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but
they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and
I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
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December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And
Christ - do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those
screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours.
From Ag
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December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
commissioner of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
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December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with
the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in
the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law
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