For the women: 35 reasons why beer is better than men:

1. Beer makes you feel better when you have your period.
2. Beer stains don't smell funny the next day.
3. Beer goes where you want it to.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you try on shoes at the mall.
5. Your beer never suffers performance anxiety.
6. When your beer won't get a head up, you can toss it out.
7. Beer doesn't stand there tapping it wristwatch.
8. No woman ever got stood up by a beer.
9. A beer doesn't start a fistfight with an ale.
10. Puking will rid you of that queasy feeling you get when you made the wrong choice.
11. Beer doesn't get drunk and call you at 3am to beg.
12. You don't need a restraining order with bad beer.
13. I never met a beer with a criminal record.
14. Beer labels come off when you want them to.
15. When you go to a bar, you can pick up a beer without worrying about that tan line on his ring finger.
16. You can pick up a beer in a bar right in front of your mom and she won't mind.
17. Beer never has a bad temper.
18. A beer won't throw you into the back seat of a 76' Datsun and dry hump you under a mercury vapor lamp.
19. A beer won't toss you in the passenger seat of a Mazda RX7 and show you it can go 100MPH on a flat stretch.
20. A beer doesn't bring strange people home with it.
21. Its easy to give beer good head with minimal shaking up.
22. You don't have to worry about a gag reflex with beer.
23. You can have more than one beer in a night without feeling sore.
24. You can talk to your girlfriends about your beer without it getting pissed off.
25. You have a good idea where that beer has been before you got it.
26. No one ever had to sleep in a beer spot.
27. Beer doesn't dis' you because you are a babe.
28. A beer won't shove its hand up your dress at your graduation party.
29. You don't have to fake it for a beer. Beer has no ego.
30. A cold beer is a good beer.
31. Beer tastes good.
32. Beer doesn't leave you. It snuggles around your hips for a lifetime.
33. A beer doesn't hate your cat.
34. You can get six at once without taxing yourself.
35. A beer doesn't mind if you don't finish.

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house!!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathised the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."

Then the mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are ALL at risk.

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers,

"You know, I have an itchy pussy."

To which he responds,
"You'll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!!"

Typical macho man married typical good-looking girl and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said,
"No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night -

whether you're here or not."

What Religion Is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

You KNOW your a man when

1, OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Lightweight. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond: "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the 'em in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk, however, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant, pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad woman?"

23, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there and I may be some time.

Blow job Etiquette ( By a woman )
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning

There was once a wrestler who toured Scottland. His name was Ivan the Terrible, he was known for 2 terrible holds; #1 'The half pretzel' where he broke your back and #2 'The full Pretzel' where he broke your back and killed you.

One day he went to a pub and the promoter was offering $1000 pounds to any man who would face Ivan. No man would, until finally Wee William stepped up to the mark. As the fight began Ivan moved in fast and all anyone could see was an ugly tangle of limbs. Then there came a horrilble 'CRACK' and all gasped in the audience "its the half pretzel" then there was a blood curdling scream and Ivan flew up hit the ceiling and landed unconcious on the floor. After as Wee Willy was enjoying a winning pint a crowd gathered and asked "Willy how did you do it?" "Well" he replied, "we were wrestling, and he started to put the half pretzel on me i could feel it in me bones. Then, Suddenly in front of me eyes an enormous penis appeared so i bit down on it as hard as i could....
Its amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own penis.

How to give a cat a pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to give a dog a pill

Wrap it in bacon.