Are you insured for sex?
The correct insurance companies are:-
Sex with your wife - Legal and General.
Sex on the phone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.Com
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a fat bird - More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a posh bird - Privilege.com

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific G-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

Hebrew Wisdom
A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing.
"This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says.
"The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel means they were able to forge tools.
Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish:
If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."

The second archeologist shakes his head.
"Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains.
"It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

The Pope
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.

Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.

Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied,

"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man sneaks into the girl's bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir


Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven


Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.


Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!


Teacher: Where the **** do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got a ******* rabbit at home.

Germany comes in with Italy and Japan sniggering behind him, stating how he's the strongest guy in the bar and that everyone should just listen to him.
He starts threatening to beat up wimpy Poland when England tells Germany if he does hit Poland then England will get involved and France pips up from cowering behind England saying it'll join in too although it hopes it doesnt come to that.
Germany holds his hands up and then kicks Poland in the nuts and stomps the living daylights out of it.
England then states he's having a fight with Germany and that all the good guys should be his mate.
Russia says that he's Englands mate but then makes a deal that he's not going to fight Germany.
France calls Germany some names and tries to run but is grabbed round the neck, beaten up and thrown behind the bar by Germany.
England tries to help France get from behind the bar but only manages to get some of his clothes.
England asks America to join in but he says its not his fight.
Germany keeps punching England and knocking him down but England refuses to be beat and keeps getting back up and going back at Germany.
Meanwhile, whilst America's enjoying a quiet drink by himself Japan climbs up on the bar and jumps on America, and starts beating him up.
Germany gets sick of not being able to knock out England and then lands a cheap shot on Russia.
Russia gets mad and keeps attacking Germany (who has broke their deal) but keeps getting knocked down, and consequencly keeps getting back up.
England lands a few soft kicks to the back of Germany's legs whilst he's busy with Russia.
England decides to start on Italy, who has been talking a good fight but done little up to that point.
England knocks Italy down, kicks him a few times until Italy quits and admits he was in the wrong.
Meanwhile America has recovered from his attack from Japan and is now following Japan around the bar, beating him up badly at every turn.
Russia gets his second wind and starts taking over the fight with Germany, and with England now involved Germany looks in a hopeless situation.
America pauses his fight with Japan for a moment and also joins in and kicks Germany down, who gets on his knee's and crys and gives up, with America claiming he did all the fighting by himself.
Everyone celebrates until Japan stands up and states he's still in the fight.
America takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots him twice. Japan dies.
They all agree that Germany should be tied to someones barstool and xxxxxx to buy drinks because it was all his fault.
America and Russia believe he should be tied to their respective stools because they both feel they did more than the other in beating Germany up, and both start to argue loudly about the matter.......