A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house.
Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over.
When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a dog.
The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?"
The gorilla extractor explains, "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away."
The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"
The man answers, "If I fall off the ladder, you shoot the dog!"

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
"Yes" said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
"Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear,"I'm freezing!

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

A city man went on vacation in the autumn for a color tour in the midwest. Stopping one night at a small tavern for a meal and a beer, he regaled the waitress with tales of his adventures and his amazement not only about the beautiful colors, but about how many flocks of geese he'd seen flying south for the winter.
The gray haired tavern owner came over and said, "Yup, those geese are amazing creatures."
"How do you mean?" asked the man.
"Well," the owner explained as he pulled out a chair. "That 'V' formation they fly in is something they evolved over tens of thousands of years to allow them to go further distances when they migrate."
"Really?" asked the man.
"Yup," said the owner. "The strongest flyer would take the point, and the other geese would fall in formation in his airstream to allow them to relax a bit and not have to work so hard."
"That's amazing," said the man.
"Yup," the owner went on. "And when the point man got tired, he'd fall back and another, well rested goose would take over the point."
"Wow," said the man. "I never knew that."
"And did you notice," the owner asked, "that one leg of that 'V' was always longer than the other?"
"Well now that I think about it, yes I did," said the man. "Why is that?"
"Well," the owner grinned as he got up. "It's got more geese in it."

"Now listen, sons" said daddy hedgehog. "You're old enough to leave home and there are many dangers out there, the worst one being that busy road. If you ever need to cross it, but a car comes along before you get to the other side, just make sure you're standing in the middle of the lane and it will go over you without causing harm. Look, I'll show you."
The hedgehog went out to the middle of the lane and waited for an on-coming car.
"Here comes one!" he shouted. "Now watch how it ..." but that's all he had time to say before there was a sickening crunch and poor dad was flattened.
"Oh dear," said one of the sons, "I forgot to ask him about three wheelers.