rinudist's blog post - First Blog Entry

I was on the site years ago, but I let my subscription lapse. Since then, I’ve put a lot of thought about who I am, who I want to be and what changes I needed to apply to my life.

First, I need to be open and honest about who I am. To be vulnerable in all aspects of my life especially my sexual aspect.

I’ve spent way too much time feeling ashamed about my body, sexual experiences, thoughts, desires, fantasies and attractions. Shame held me back from making any real connections to anyone. Shame made me hate myself.

I’ve been separated from my wife for the last 5+ years. During this time, I have been experimenting with things that interest me from swinging to BDSM to spending time at nudist resorts.

I’m comfortable with my body today. Something I’ve grown to love with my nudist experience. Nothing feels more vulnerable then being completely naked with others in a social setting. Talking to naked people in a non-sexual way. Showering with whoever. Spending time in the hot-tub with others chatting away. Skinny dipping in the local pond and pool.

I tried swinging and sex clubs. Very interesting and exciting. Having sex with strangers can be a real high. Enjoying the sensual touch and sex acts between multiple people at the same time. I might enjoy just watching others have sex more than taking an active part.

Exploring my BDSM interests have been a little more difficult as a single male. I have explored these interests at Munches, specific classes and fetish fleas. The down side is finding a partner to experience my cravings and desires with. I want to be dominated by a sensual caring mistress that is willing to put me in my place in a compassionate way. I want to be flogged, tickled and I want to express my devotion by wearing a chastity cage for her. I want to be told to please her and anyone she deems I should please - male or female. I want a strong mistress who knows what she wants, but is caring for me and takes care of me with a strong will.

Unfortunately, I have found it difficult to find such a mistress. There are plenty of providers for the act, but that seems very detached for me. I need an emotional and spiritual bond with my mistress.

Things I’ve learned about myself is I’m a man who doesn’t necessarily follow the typical social construct of life, sexual orientation and desires.

I am heterosexual, but yet have a strong attraction to penises. I’m not physically attracted to masculinity, but I am to penises. This might seem odd. For a long time, I wondered if I was gay. I’ve been ashamed to admit that I find a penis attractive. Sometimes I want to hold, caress, kiss and suck on a penis. But I’m not interested, in the rest of a masculine hairy body. You know the six pack abs, muscles and pecks. Maybe that is why I’m attracted to some transgendered women. They have the famine look that I desire and an attractive cock. Maybe I should explore this. I certainly fall somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale.

Anyway, I have a long blog for my first. Maybe I’ll use this tool to journal where I’m at to help me gain more insight on who I am