I can remember, even when I was very young, BDSM-related feelings seemed to rule my life. Already in grade school (As far back as the sixth grade) my dominant nature surfaced. I always loved seeing people do things that I'd told or advised them to do, and was not the quietest person in class or PE. When i noticed that i started applying this outside of school, on friends, I considered this a confirmation - I'm Dominant. Because of my early sexual developement this dominance started taking other forms - I fantasized in bed about how it would be to have people bound before me, to not give them a choice but them to have to listen to me or to do what I said. On the other hand I found the thought of being the one helpless and bound quite exciting as well.

For a very long time this stayed in the realm of thoughts and fantasies - thus because my self-image wasn't entirely good. Who would want to have a BDSM-relationship with someone in a wheel chair? Finding a vanilla relationship was impossible in my eyes. Every time i looked into the mirror i saw a small, way too fat, wheelchair bound and insecure girl with whom noone ever would want to be with. Being bullied at school only made that sink in deeper.

Because of these circumstances I decided not to do anything in BDSM. The feelings and desires I had would pass. I decided i wanted to be a 'Normal little girl' and put all things BDSM-related aside. This however wasn't as easy as i thought it would. Several things around the house became instruments of torture that i would love to be on the receiving end of, and because of the daily confrontation with this, that urge only grew. At school things went form bad to worse - rulers smacking tables, paperclips galore... I tried to deny myself, argued with all of my friends and never came out of the house anymore - as i tried to 'deprogram' my body and mind to remove the desires of BDSM.

But, i was way too curious! I decided to check the internet, because (people had told me) one can find anything at all on the internet. This, however, only caused confusion. The countless pictures and movies ranging from soft-bdsm to extreme startled and even frightened me - I'd never thought that people would let themselves be treated in this way with, for instance, knives, and then enjoy it! This wasn't what i was looking for. I wanted someone who could keep me mentally and physically under the thumb and who would occasionally apply some light pain.
Through Google, i found a profile site, a site where everybody could sign up and come into contact with like-minded people. Though i didn't have practical experience, i knew exactly what i wanted. I've always been very sure of my bisexuality and besides, i was initially just looking for someone with whom i could speak and exchange information.

This happened quite a bit faster than i thought. In one of my weekends on leave (during the week i lived in a boarding school with other invalid youths) i noticed a message - from a man who was far too old, but who drew my naive attention by the way he wrote. I decided to add him to my MSN and to get to know him better there. He turned out to be a sweet, calm Dominant from my area during weekends and holidays and told me worlds about all the things he had done - and wanted to do. Because this man was so attractive, i decided to wait and meanwhile try to get a connection with him. Soon we exchanged telephone numbers, because I couldn't actually use the internet in peace at that boarding school.

During our many conversations we grew close. The need for contact grew every day, causing endless conversations from early in the evenings to just before my alarm clock would ring. I would then go to school dog-tired, resulting in me falling asleep at my desk thinking of him.
What i didn't see at the time was that in these conversations i started doing more and more things for him - listening to him. This started from me applying myself better to my school, but eventually ended in sessions by telephone where i would give myself entirely to him.

I intensely loved those moments when his voice would control my actions, and this confirmed for me - finally - how and who i was and that i only wanted to be submissive to him. In the meetings that followed our conversations we grew a tight bond and d/s relationship we both enjoyed immensely.

In our D/s relationship, but also after that, i went out a lot - from large club-bound meetings to small intimate barbecues and dinners, we took every opportunity to meet as many people as we possibly could. I've never felt unaccepted in these circles. Everybody treated me like everyone else, without emphasising for a single moment something i could not or would not be able to do. This gave me such a good feeling about myself that i dared to start playing during meets - my insecurities seemed to simply melt away.

At such meets you get to know a lot of people, some of whom you instantly forget about but others that you'll never forget. So it happened that we created tight friendships with people - and if we weren't playing on meets and gatherings, we would meet regularly to have dinner or go to the cinema. Some of these people i still speak to on a regular basis.

These friends have also attributed to coming up with new ways of playing. Because i was wheelchair bound, not everything has always been easy or possible, so we had to come up with new ways to enjoy ourselves in our own ways. Around each other, we and those people tried a huge number of things, like bondages in that wheelchair, and suspensions. Playing like this helped us see more and more possibilities and now that i've been doing that for a number of years, i see an opportunity in more-or-less everything.

During these sessions we found out that despite the wheelchair and other limitations, there are a lot of possibilities. With enormous creativity and humor we've tried different poses and bondages - some really nice and successful, others somewhat uncomfortable but hugely funny.
Finding out what my body can take was a process of trial-and-error. My handicap comes with certain sensitivity deviations and so I won't feel everything. My feet, for example, are largely numb - this makes it hard for a Dominant to tickle my feet; one needs to find precisely the right spot. Similarly, my buttocks are largely numb - A spanking in the wrong spot I can keep up for hours on end without even feeling the slightest hint of pain.
On the other hand I'm extremely sensitive in other places - my breasts respond at the slightest touch and tend to color heavily with a good spanking.

I, just like anyone, I suspect, anyone, have gotten my experience through positives and negatives. The fact that i've been accepted into the 'BDSM-scene' in a loving and fun way quickly helped me lose my insecurities. Within these circles i felt safe rightaway and could enjoy myself without worry about how others thought of me. And if I didn't have to feel ashamed of myself in these circles, I figured i could show a little more selfasteem and confidence in daily life as well. So i changed from a little shy girl into someone who'd always have an opinion, and especially my mother was amazed when she heard her little girl was really starting to show that selfasteem even in school.

I'll come back to one of my more special BDSM-experiences later...

Unfortunately there aren't only good and fun people on this world. I've also experienced that some people (ab)use BDSM as an excuse to flaunt their perversions and literally abuse people - it's always been and still is a mystery to me how people can take this wonderful lifestyle and twist it, scarring people for life, physically and mentally. Because I feel these people simply don't deserve further attention, i won't say any more about these beyond that even these have helped me come into myself, today.

When my husband and i got a relationship we'd already known each other via the internet for several years; we met when i was 12 years old, on a forum, and began a close friendship of regular chatting, webcamming, texting and calling. After several years we decided to meet - and from that moment on we knew that we wanted more of each other. Talking about the subject of BDSM, i found difficult at first, because he was very inexperienced and i didn't know how he'd respond. When i brought it up, however, he reacted very curious. I sent him some stories and reports I'd written before and so built his curiosity for the subject. My husband discovered his dominant feelings during our relationship and we decided pretty soon to let BDSM play an important role in our lives. By trying things, never losing our sense of humor and joy, together and with others, we grew into our role and new-founded BDSM-relationship. My husband started to enjoy BDSM more and more, and intensely enjoyed all the things we tried and learned from others.

As i'm writing this, it's almost 4 years since I signed my 24/7 contract on August Sixth, 2008 - and through this tied myself entirely to him. Still, every day we learn new things and enjoy our play intensely. I get no small amount of pride out of him accepting me as his submissive and out of making him happy day after day with my submission.

Two of the most important days in my sub-life were certainly two days in 2008 and 2010. Through chatsites I came into contact with someone who had been on the stage of Domina Rowena - he told me all about how great the experience had been and how he had learned to know his limits - Of course, as a regular visitor of the KamaSutra convention in Utrecht i'd already come to see Rowena and her team many times, and seen how they did great things on stage. Captivated by the chat conversation i started looking around the internet until i ran into a message that stated Domina Rowena did, in fact, have a spot on her stage.

After talking about this with my Master i decided to try my luck and send a message - of course telling about my limitations as well. After a few days i got a positive reaction; after a phone call we would just do it and see! Before it actually happened i was stressed, wondering if i really had the nerve. But when i passed the threshold to go to that convention and Domina Rowena, things happened naturally.
The athmosphere behind the scenes was really great, everyone was incredibly nice and from the start i had a good feeling about it. After talking to everybody it was time to go on stage and the tension started to rise. Before i could even worry about whether or not i was going to get on stage to begin with, a few strong men lifted me on with wheelchair and all, and there i was.

With the help of a small winch i was able to stand for a little while, to be cuffed to a bondage rack, which was very comfortable once it was tilted back and allowed me to relax onto it. In times like these i forget everything around me and time itself - from then on only the music, the dominants, and I existed. I intensely enjoyed the ropes, the clamps and whips and other toys on my body, sinking deliciously into my own world. My Dominant and i have enjoyed this evening so much that at the end of the session during loud applause i burst into tears. At that time i was hugely proud of myself - i'd allowed myself to be seen without any insecurities and proven to a huge amount of people. My Master also had a very good time; he saw that despite my limitations the possibilities are still endless, and got to join in and contribute to an endlessly enjoyable session.

After this evening i was in a rush for days. I felt great and everything passed by me at a huge speed. Only when i got into conversation with people who'd seen that play and got the pictures that a professional photographer had made, it hit me that i'd intensely enjoyed that play in front of a large audience. That evening made me a better sub who isn't afraid to show what she can do - I'll never forget that day.

In 2010 I got to relive this experience. Again, my Master and i enjoyed and intensely played on that stage, surpassing myself a little more all the time. That day i got to experience needles, and i found out that i can do a lot more than i thought i could, simply by putting my fears aside and giving myself entirely into my tryst for someone. Again the play was great, everybody had a hugely good time, and to this day i can relive that enjoyment every time i see the pictures!

What does the future hold? I can't predict, but i'm sure that my Master and i will have countless fantastic sessions. Our relationship and our D/s is so intense that we can sense each other even at great distance, and enjoy a beautiful play each and every time, which only improves our relationships. By now we have a close circle of friends with whom we won't deny playing with in great ways in the future. Together with them we learn new things every time, and keep enjoying everything BDSM has to offer!

My conclusion after writing this is - that BDSM is for everybody. Regardless of limitations or insecurities, everybody has the right to say what they enjoy. Find someone whom you trust to try what you enjoy and find, and explore your limits with them and enjoy a beautiful play together again and again. You can be who you are and enjoy it. I hope that i've given everybody who has doubts about their limitations some inspiration to set aside all doubt and fears, and discover what this beautiful world has to offer. BDSM has contributed in making me a stronger person, and will be a great part of my life for ever. I am a submissive, I want to -be- a submissive, and i am the happiest person in the world if i can serve my Dominant and make him happy through my servitude.