str8NJman
Gift PremiumIm me you wont find someone more loyal to someone I care about. I can be very sexual but I also like to understand who people are .. get to know more about them .. which might not be what this site is about but ill give it a shot
- 49 years old
- Male
- Joined 15 years ago
- Active 9 years ago
- 1,231 views
str8NJman's Blog
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Saturday, April 11, 2009, 4:42:08 AM- careful its RAW | ||||||
We strike and swing and strike and swing And swing And swing Deep penetrating gashes of bludgeoned curls Hiding foot steps of past woe and heart break I scream at lungs peak Asking for forgiveness and compassion Yet Receiving the fickle end of the sword Slashing down across my inner child Telling me I am wrong to think my worth is worth I am wrong to assume I can hope against all the odds I am left broken and bleeding Whimpering at hurts feet Because I chose, to give my heart And place my heart and allow my heart To feel To want To desire To hope But now knowing that all that piled high on my heart and served to the masters doesn't add up to the hidden turmoil of the wicked No matter which choices or demons arise I will always befall a hurtful exit Leaving so much more than droplets of self inflected scars and crocodile tears For every drop is another layer of coating around my heart Rendering it harder to feel Harder to desire and so much more harder to hope You want truth Look and see with your eyes but not your minds eye your hearts Look within and see the distant crippled soul that bleeds numbers and sweet fetish call names Trying to evoke special meaning to simple hellos Because Because because can you see that it has become all I am worth I scream and send them because I want you to shout into the night air "MY GOD MY GOD .. WHY HAVE I NOT SEEN AND FELT THIS AMAZING GRACE BEFORE .. WHY HAVE I NOT SEEN THE POWER OF THIS SPECIAL SOUL" In deep reflection I know it will not happen because its not felt Unknown realizations will never befall the wants and desires of this lonely lonely child God why has thou forsaken me I have given to all every bit of my heart and soul and yet still none has jumped in and proclaimed it wholly theirs They have picked and taken pieces that best benefited there desires and needs but never ever has someone seen and latched on to it for dear life Clutching and holding till deaths grip pried cold and lifeless fingers from its hold Never has anyone wanted it to fulfill its entire need and desire Perhaps it is incomplete itself Perhaps it is not good enough for that all Maybe having partial indifference is all it is worth So as I sweep up the remains of its scattered pieces it reminds me of a area after a riot mobs break in in clear sight of day and take what it is they want No one offerers to stop them not even the owners because the numbers outweigh the protectors After the area is striped of its worth and value it is left barren and frozen Wicked and useless Scared and torn with injury and hurt Yet I know I will always attempt to rebuild and let it regrow Because closing the area because of fear is like giving up on life and your main belief in life and nothing is worth that No one So I sweep my scattered remains into a pile and glue them together trying to create a smaller version of what was once there I only ask that you respect what you took Don't abuse it or walk away with destruction in your mind My only solace is that in the end you will allow it to breed within your heart And maybe someday you'll know that at one point in your life No one loved you more and no one loved you with more passion respect and dignity in ur entire life Someday when the sun has set on us You will fondly reflect and that tiny thought will creep into your head And only then will you see that in face In all ends We were merely meant to be Forever and Always | ||||||
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Monday, March 30, 2009, 2:55:33 PM- my deleted Future | ||
as I bring in years past ones fade into one overwhelming pile of forgotten moments and times All that was recorded in my mind has simply vanished into nothing the people remain select memories retained but the daily tick tock of my life's clock has drifted into an oblivion my mark on this world is as forgotten as the people who's names i cant recall and who's faces all seem to fill my head like a sildeshow of mug shots my past gone as breaths took as blood bled as tears cried I look at this year with a awe of wonder I'm so much better than i was but so far from what I could be I'm a us and a we trapped inside a I and a me Rhymes wiggle like a hexagon riddle flying form and passion with little compassion I can rhyme I can pretend but I cant force my pride to bend yet I write these fictitious lyrical spherical words as if they meant a flying fuck to anyone reading I realize that in the end the only one who realizes is me the only one who knows is me and the only one who understand this wanton disaster of mental cruelty is me its much to late I'm sorry but to subtract a division is the only thing that will allow me to add a future | ||
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Saturday, March 28, 2009, 7:27:41 PM- but if | ||||||
long and behold as I left your goodbye sitting shameless and wicked while painted dashes wizzed past my eye oh is it sad to admit how I left my soul for a taste of smile and the oceans eyes given for ten pence tho basically for free i set my heart and soul upon hotels door laying on the nearer side of pictures vision and as I lay I allowed myself to dream seeing love's light in your eyes and realizing how much greater it was than mine could ever be so far greater how little i should have felt but didnt being out loved. Is that a game? Is there a winner? and therefore a loser? Perhaps as slippery moments bled stary night I relented and realized love's selfishness I leaned forward though u didnt see to see if this was my dream and I inhaled deeply the sigh that befell overcame any scent that presided in the flowing beauty that lay before T'was at that moment that specific instant as I lay next to awe and your acceptance sang to me that I realized I need to step away not from you nor accented sugar but in hope and wish Far to needy far to wanting and far to far away I hope you enjoyed my heart for it was given to you on the crispness of your sound Stop and reflect for a single instant and imagine the gift I had layed Sometimes we don't realize the hight of a gift because it doesn't fulfill extremes but don't always look at effect sometimes we need to turn and notice the effect the giver befell sometimes the gift is overshadowed by the gift of giving it and the courage it took to present and the pain that was left in its stay but if but if My dreams came true this poem would have ended with me and you. | ||||||
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Friday, March 27, 2009, 6:59:25 PM- FUCK you for making me love a Facade | ||||||
the listless bane existence of want and desire seems ill repressed in the face of courage and reach gathering dust particles keeping busy so not to focus on anything real like holding umbrella tight so raindrops don't mist your face as your refusal to turn around guards you from noticing the crest of the tsunami about to crash on your head your refusal to acknowledge doesn't make it disappear so don't act surprised when it crashes down and washes away your conviction leaving you cold and lonely weakness doesn't exist in the tiny tear drop of softness and expression rather it grows in the repression of honest opportunity hurt and pain doesn't exist within failure it shreds my dreams as I lay my soul at the footsteps of your stride merely to have you trip over my care because your refusal to peek beyond self built walls blinds you to chance and possibility focusing so hard on fast paced daily grind because the thought of stopping and allowing is so fucking scary yet even that is deflected by layered armor you have no right to silently smirk at my expressions just because you paint my heart stereotypically soft and weak don't you see the courage it takes to jump without knowing your landing don't you realize having my heart equals having my courage to shield yours without hesitation true acceptance of physical pain as I rather it be me don't you see that loving me means you can lean on my so called weaknesses for strength an support because I will never let you fall id carry you within my own single footprint in the sand because loving you means I hurt at your pain I smile at your happiness and I gloat in your accomplishments its so much easier to love without the vulnerability of stripped existence i don't dwell on the reality of a stranded heart laying on the floor as you passed without a glance watching you walk and fade from sight is almost beauty in its own right watching the sun reflect off your silhouette as it slowly is disappears into the distance crossing the horizon in a blink of an eye its gone as my focus startles at the tap on my shoulder turning around I curse my own ignorance as even I failed to notice the angel sitting on my shoulder her wings flutter as she carries me and tends to my hurt making me a better me thought Ill never forget the desire in my heart as I screamed your name while your presence shrunk with every step ill never forget how bad I wanted you to merely turn around and breath life in the image of perfection I had/have in my head of how things could be would be if you merely believed in me and allowed me to love you like I so knew I could as in parts .. i still would | ||||||
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009, 8:18:21 PM- something i wrote tried to be funny | ||||||
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Monday, March 23, 2009, 9:16:05 PM- OUCH | ||||||
"BELIEVE IT" of course I do Boo As fears bleed with the sting of emotion I offer open soul to distant places where actions and reactions do not need feel's emotion wind whispers as I want you's fall on mute's ear and mimed responses While I silently scream beyond unwanted gifts Walk with me valiantly into the good night as whining sorrow is whining none the less even if pains the fuel yet this is my place to throw emotional rocks upon white picket fences as I watching the blood dripping remains and sunburned scars still stinging from sweat's salt Deep conversation, expression of soul and feelings. Leaving me content with decisions, and though not,receiving glory, totally understood. Then reality. As feeble attempts at humors bane. I crack emotions palate, of intending laughter. Yet receiving silent tones, leaving blushing smiles, to fears of non intentional worry. Climbing up hollows rock, screaming into the abyss. Intentions were good, yet knowing it really doesnt matter. so once again I'm here, defining sorrows belief, in simplistic foolish words whos meaning never quite reaches desired effect, Where has understanding gone? Slipped in the tub of despair, cracking open pandoras box. Finding comfort once again, in the silence of a goodbye. Riddled within life's little things, jonesing for my fix. I'm addicted to, assurances, understanding, and band-aids on my doubt. Will I meet her? Flinging body's sweat, throwing away lifetime's belief's? Passion is as passion does. One precious smile. One precious hello. If I could take pain, I would. For that is care beyond selfishness. Even if left stranded, alone and weary. As memory's fades, so do I. With all my needs, with all my required assurances, with all my faults. So many faults. my only perfection, is the care itself. yet that I'm told, is not enough. So I breath lonely's hidden fear, as jealousy rages inside. Anger and ire directed within. Lost in the translation, from emotional to physical. The only physical loss, is drenched red, dripping question, am i enough? sillie rabbit trix are for real people, don't u know that. I am all that my doubt allosw me to be. If i am nothing, then nothing I shall become. No tears. My dear. because feelings never lie. and neither does reality | ||||||
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Sunday, March 22, 2009, 8:00:00 PM- | ||||||
Do you think you can tell Do you think you can feel As memories and feelings sit on cliffs edge frozen in awe at stunning views Trance like internal emotions are swept into focusing on the tones and hues of the glorious sunset As i sit here in focused thought wishing it were so much more than pictures in my soul and songs in my head Feelings seep forming hopes and dreams forcing me to realize so much about reality Sometimes dreams are present not as a goal or places to be reached but merely to allow us that moment of escape so that we don't need to focus so hard on our current path or situation of life Its so hard to wish on the stars of tomorrow because I can't seem to find stable ground to throw my wish's from As my focus shifts from object to form I cant help but ask myself am I merely allowing a troubled existence because I can not seem to find my way spinning and turning my heart becomes dizzy in the confusion of here and now Please do not judge me with the whip of a word I am so much more than most realize so much more than many can understand I am my own polygraph I judge myself harder than anyone else can my honesty always is with myself first and second here in words and emotions I offer truth and openness because failure to do so would just mean you adore a facade a me that I want you to see and not a me that I am You can't love half if you don't know all of me then your love is as hollow as the presented hidden truth I will never lay claim to beauty I will never assume greatness then again those that do lay in that facade Are you pretty because they love you or do they love you because your pretty that is a question ill never ask myself for I never present a fixation of glamour I merely admit to beautiful attraction The rest lay much deeper and stronger It forms at the pit of meaningful conversation and deeper connections so until you admit who you are to yourself how can you believe anyone loves you for it I am me I am all I am no one will ever confuse me with greatness Nothing I own is priceless yet everything I offer is nothing I can create alone is perfection I merely offer half of you're completion "true love and beauty are blind, they cannot be seen with the eyes, but with the heart. We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." * *That last quote wasn't written by me but it remains one of my favorite quotes ever. The author is Sam Keen | ||||||
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Saturday, March 21, 2009, 2:47:21 PM- Random Thoughts | ||||||
Well folks been a while .. I haven't had much in me to write .. Idk .. Just haven't ... Things are good .. I'm still single ... I've met someamazing peop le and have had some pretty nice connections but seems that timing wasn't right or what have you ... Its all good .. I don't see meeting someone really nice, having a connection and having things not work out as a bad thing ... To me its more fuel for myself to truly stand firm and not settle ... I won't deny that losing that tingle of hope is disappointing .. Because it is .. But there are a lot of things in life that are .. Moping dwelling and giving up isn't something That's going to help ... Took me a long time to realize that .. Perhaps it was a way for me to hold on to it a little longer than I should have ... Thereby keeping the slightest bit of hope open ... I'm sure a lot of people are saying .. Umm no shit Joe we been telling u that forever ... Well to them I say .. Fuck u lol .. I'm hard headed what can I say So I guess I have a strong out look on things recently .. A better understanding of the person I want to be with .. Because meeting someone special makes u realize so much more of that If ur looking for a egotistical self centered person stocked full of false confidence I'm not your man and to be quite honest .. Ur not my girl ... Someone who puts a huge emphases on that aspect in a man isn't someone who would make me happy anyway ... As quite possibly I wouldn't make them ... I have confidence in my ability to love .. In my belief in people .. I have a strength of courage to defend what is dear to me ... I don't care what you think you know about me .. U don't know the everyday me ... So please don't because ur selling me short and in turn showing ur ignorance God do I love to come here and open myself .. I love getting feedback on that I say and how I express it ... I don't lie about them and I don't make them pretty ... Its real .this venue allows me that asses point .. A way to dig deep .. Collect the raw and bitter truths about myself .. i enjoy that i do get frustrated at times .. i do wish i had that ability to turn it on and off at a whim or notion .. but i don't .. my fault my bad .. yet in a sense i think thats what separates me from others .. thats "MY" talent .. expression through written word is only a third of it .. application of them and making them work are the others .. I've always found a deeper self within words and i will tell you .. i wasn't good at the action part until my writing became more about what i truly feel and think and less about the nonsense of it ... i really believe that in the end I'm doing good .. i have a sense of direction and I'm walking toward it .. people who have touched me in the past will always be remembered by the effect they had on me .. i don't forget .. i just keep it in my own place ... i will move on and forward ... i keep reminding my self of a really good song by aerosmith called amazing thats a part that says life's a journey not a destination i love that .. so is happiness .. happiness isn't something you strive for .. its something you feel and take along with you in that journey ... i never considered myself a person who saw the glass as half empty but i was ... always striving for what i wanted rather than finding a happiness in what i had .. things you will add in that journey are accepted and also enjoyed ... people will come and go in your life .. some will stay a while and leave a ever standing memory and some will never leave .. they always merely linger in the halls or your heart .. i have a few people like that ... perhaps not in my everyday world but defiantly in my everyday heart i think i have been enjoying this aspect of myself .. i used to hurt at the thought of someone not liking me or someone not realizing my worth .. now there doubt drips down my back .. barely noticeable .. perhaps even themselves being seen as a joke ... i remember wanting to be with people so bad that the thought of me not being worthy was ever present .. now i just realize that more than anything in this world i deserve someone who wants nothing other than to be mine ... and vise versa ... patience is a virtue and understanding want and love is a growth is paramount .. i have that .. i don't mind waiting and building ... i stoped focusing on just what was being built and just more concentrating on enjoying it and what ever it looks like in the end is fine .. acceptance is the only option .. the alternative is dwelling on things that will never be so i end this by saying things have been good .. I'm feeling good about things ... I'm out there in the mix .. ill never be a "dating whore" .. ill never juggle many girls ... but i am willing to be there for the possibility of something amazing .. i wont settle for less ... i think that aspect of me is definitely beneficial to my own happiness but i cant help but think it will have some trickle down effect on me as a whole ... perhaps in a sense of a word .. a better person .. which cant hurt lol I worked 16 hours today .. it was a bit lonely to reflect on the meaning of today .. but i kinda figured it would be .. as i sat to write this i remember something i read a long time ago ... "Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along." now that doesn't totally pertain to me in that strong sense of it .. but the general idea that .. if it feels so good to meet someone who might not be THE ONE ... imagine how great it will be when i finally do ... thats kinda kewl ill leave you with something final one day someone will come along and give you a million reasons why it never worked out with anyone else | ||||||
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Friday, March 20, 2009, 1:24:15 PM- loving thoughts of a perverted bad boy (or am I?) | ||||||
I try to always come to a better understanding of myself ... The way I think my actions my reasons and feelings of or towards love or care .. I try to notice my mistakes weather thru a realization of my own or if someone shows me them I believe I make an honest effort to correct them or to alter See I believe I'm a honest n true romantic but not in the silly hopeless way .. I'm more so a realistic romantic I know you might be wondering what the fuck is the difference Allow me to explain A hopeless romantic thinks making love on a beach is beautiful and romantic .. the sound of the waves crashing on the shore .. the smell of the ocean the wonderful cool breeze as it skims across the water tops all over your bodies .. caressing it in its own right .. the beautiful passion of two people kissing and opening them selves to each other Now that sounds so very beautiful .. yet .. the realist in me thinks of sand in my shorts .. kneeling in the sand and sinking as you put ur weight down .. tilting to one side and losing ur balance because the sand is uneven ... Oh can't forget about the bugs I guess they say making love on a beach sounds wonderful to those who never tried it .. I guess I didn't have to see a realistic side of it all To me romance is making the person ur with feel special every single day .. its the little things that someone can do that screams how much u think about them and how much u wanted to make them happy dominates your life .. thats why i dont belive in Valentines day .. why does there have to be one day out of there year where society says you have to act and do things as you should have been doing all along Little notes .. a small gift of thought .. a random txt or phone call .. Waking up at 4am just to txt them because they have to be up n you didn't want them to feel like the only person in the world up at that hour I mean really what more could we want in this life than too have someone who makes us feel that they will always be there for us ... always care and never take them for granted ..Making somone feel appreciated goes further than you realize Perhaps its me I've always known there is another level to being in love that a lot of people settle without .. maybe they are scared to open up that much to someone .. maybe being that vulnerable to one person just shields them to not even wanting it .. or maybe I live in a fairy tale world aLot more than I realize I just believe being with someone .. loving them .. caring about them .. should take you to the point of honestly opening ourselves to being totally unguarded and free .. I believe that it takes us to a place where everyday worries and issues seem a distant second to what's important .. when you have someone like that .. the bad's dont seem so bad and the good's become great .. and you focus on what you have rather than things you don't have Of course I have I will and ill always make mistakes ... ill find myself realizing what I've done or am doing .. but the thing I think that matters most isn't so much the error .. but the honest and true attempt to correct it and real desire to not do it again No one is perfect so why punish a mistake that isn't obviously or intentionally meant to hurt or harm Especially when a little attention to the issue is all it might take to ease and stop it I don't know I guess ill never truly figure it all out and perhaps no one is supposed to all I know is how to be me I know in my heart there arent to many people who love with a greater sense of understanding that me .. Sure there wont be millions of people chanting my name calling me awesome .. but Id take being one persons "great" guy over that anyday that realistic romantic inside of me knows that someday someone will let me be that person and until then all I can do is be me and hold true to my feelings no matter where they take me Love isn't just a feeling we discover we have for someone .. we have to allow it to happen .. loving to a lower level is allot safer and sometimes all some people want in life and who am I to judge them or what they want .. if it works for them then that's good .. but for me there is no accepting lower ill always shoot for the moon even if that means pushing away someone who doesn't want the same There is to much meterotricy in this world as it is I won't let love be one of them | ||||||
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Saturday, March 14, 2009, 12:43:57 AM- SAD .. written for a friend a lil ago .. hope you can undersand its meaning | ||||||
HE pressed upon her, and she froze, he violated her innocence. How could anyone be so cruel? so selfish? It wasn't his actions that forbears pain, it was his disregard for her, How he stole her sanctity, and how he took away her belief, that people are inherently good. He took away her trust not in him but in everyone he took away her pride not in man but within herself he brought her pain not physical pain not mental pain but emotional pain and that is the worst kind His death will not cure her his apologies will not sooth her fears his pain will not comfort her numbness in time she may cope but she will never forget in time she may step forward but she will always glance behind he stole everything from her, that we as humans are born to own; the ability to feel secure, the ability to feel pride in self, the ability to hold heads high in honor, the ability to rightfully express love and care, and most importantly the ability to express free will As a friend I am angry As a caring soul I am heartbroken As a man I am disgusted and as a human being I am sorry | ||||||
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