sunflower4u's blog post - I just need to write ...

Early November 2005 I had a miscarriage and was in the hospital for over a week until the Dr realized why my HCG hormone level wasn't going away. I had been carrying twins. The first child I had miscarried, the second was in my fallopian tube. Due to the lack of urgency of my Dr. at the time I was admitted, almost cost me my life. I had an emergency hysterectomy and blood transfusion. I was in a really bad state of mind around the holidays. In a way, my misfortune helped me to reevaluate my relationship with my children and my life but I was still depressed that I had lost out on the two children which whom I will never come to know.

Still in pain, my Dr. kept giving me pain meds, saying my pain was from the surgery I just had. Some seven weeks passed with no relief. I finally went to have a second opinion. I thank God that I gave in to my intuition that something just wasn't right. February of this year I was back in the hospital, this time to remove a tumor growing in my abdomen. My recovery went well but my state of mind was dwindling fast.

During all this turmoil, the company I'd been with for almost 8 years, always giving 110% of myself to, had a lack of compassion for what I had been and for the most part was still going through. Constantly calling me .. "When are you going to be able to come back?" "We all have problems. You need to get it together" There was no getting me together. I had, over the past six months fallen apart, not just physically but emotionally. I eventually left that job. Our family went from a well to do monthly income to barely making ends meet. I saw no hope and I felt that I was to blame because of the state I was in.

After nine months, I was back in the hospital as you know with my neck surgery. Something that needed to be done if I was ever to get back into the work force again. I was still enduring more pain. My depression seemed to be under control since I had left my previous job. This all has put a strain on my relationship with my husband and children. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I am not sure why I had to go through what I did this past year and I hope this is the end to my pain - physically and mentally.

Anyway - this is what I wrote a few months ago. It's long but maybe someone out there is feeling the same. It's a struggle but hopefully I will overcome it.

Subject: Money
I hate money and everything about it. I hate what it does to a relationship and how it can tear it to shreds.

I hate how I feel - at times alone and confused. Alone because I don't feel like anyone knows or understands what I am going through. Confused because I don't know how to make it any better.

I hate how my life looks through my eyes. No future. No hope. An endless amount of pain and it all comes down to M O N E Y!

I hate that it runs everything in a persons life. Money shouldn't matter. Happiness, feeling loved by my husband and my beautiful children should be enough to get me by but it's not! It's destroyed by fucking money. If you don't have it - you're in hell. At times I hate myself because I am not strong enough to beat this damn depression, that I can't stand up to it and tell it to leave me alone. I don't want it to harden my heart and make me lonely and weak.

I hate that I can't make sense out of my life and what purpose I serve being alive? I am not helping my children nor husband financially. What does it matter in this world that you have a kind heart? And that you use to always find the good in others even if they were bad to you to begin with. What does it matter that you are a giving person - to give and give and never ask for anything in return. It doesn't matter and who even really fucking cares how you feel? Because it all comes down to money. Whether you have it or not. Without it - it can break up a naturally loving relationship, it can strain a family to hardship, it can make you feel lonely, it can put a hole in your heart.

I hate money and I have now found out that money hates me.