Up early for doctor. Well the drive for doc. Went well. We will see once the blood test is done.
Guy at the house dug out the root ball that was over septic tank and filled in the holes. Glad that is done for now.

Stopped on my way home from doc to pick up parts from project and visit.got a call and am working in the morning. Will know more at 7 am.

She cooked mushroom ravioli and home made Alfredo. It was pretty good. She talked about her work problems.. I kept my mouth shut except to say “I hope we don’t make worldwide news because of this stupidity”. Middle management is horrible. And it will only take one idiot to make it horrible.

she left to color K’s hair. I went to work to be ready for tomorrow. She beat me home. She was drinking beer watching the Good Place. It is a funny show. What parts I have seen. She has been back drinking beer for 4 nights that I know of. I have not counted cans. I will be surprised if it is less than 6 a day. Something’s don’t change.

The counting is not about sex. It is not about intimacy. I know those aren’t happening. It is about gaslighting. The only way to fight gaslighting is leave. Or since I am not that smart. Keep good notes.

When we were first married I worked a lot. Nights. So it was easy to lose track of “us”. She had said things before we were married that I guess I should have taken seriously.

Anyway, fast forward to year four. Still working a lot. Still afternoons and nights mostly. Very long days. 16-18 hours. One night i said “hey how about I make you cum?’ That was her normal statement that she wanted sex.
She said “I’m tired. I will wake you up when I get up to pee.”

I thought “SWEET’. Then fell asleep. Pager went off I got up and went to work.
That night when I got home it was a repeat.. i said “hey how about I make you cum?”
She said “I’m tired. I will wake you up when I get up to pee.”

Again I thought “SWEET!” And fell asleep. In the morning I said “why didn’t you wake me up?” She said “I tried. You didn’t budge. You must have been tired”. Pager went off I went to work. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat…

Sounded reasonable. That was life. Working to pay bills. She was a stay at home mom. I knew that wasn’t easy. But hey. Life.

After a month or two of the exact same story at bedtime and in the morning. “I’ll Wake you up. You must have been tired.” I asked one night that I knew I was not going to have to work the next day. She had the same answer. “I’ll Wake you up.” SWEET!

I don’t have to go to work… I’ll just stay up! She will be happy and surprised! We hadn’t had sex in 4 months. She falls asleep. I lay there in Anticipation….. around 2 she stretches sits up. Stands up and walks to the bathroom. She really had to go. Flushes. Washes her hands. Walks back into the bedroom. Sits on her side of the bed, opens a coke takes a drink. Lays down and never even looks at my side of the bed. She had to walk AROUND the bed past me to get to the bathroom.

I thought she must have had a rough day and was really tired.

In the morning I asked, “why didn’t you wake me up?”

‘I tried. You wouldn’t budge.”

WTF? I though she was REALLY tired if she didn’t remember…. Yeah. I’m that stupid.

I continued to ask. Continued getting all the same answers. Only now I was staying awake even if I had to work…. Yeah. Not the safest thing to do.it took me a few months to come to the conclusion she is LYING to me. I finally quit asking and started tracking the few times we did engage, because she also would tell me that we were having sex on a very regular basis.

Since I was using excel to track work things, I just made a new sheet. Data is not healthy. Especially when you can make the sheet calculate things. Time between. Average days. Compared to holidays. I couldn’t find a pattern. So that just meant I needed to track more things. It really helped me learn obscure excel things. I tracked for a year before I added phases of the moon.
I figured it out.
She would only have sex the two days before her cycle. And that is if I didn’t do something to piss her off or was gone at work.

I did confront her about the lie. She said I was making it up. And that we had a great sex life. Thus started the counting. That was more than 20 years ago. I am still stupid and a fool.

Counting is stupid if you are just going to ignore the data and never do anything with it. I just got old while counting.


I have been using my personality as birth control my entire life. I know I am an asshole. I am trying to change.

0-14
9
13

Got to sleep 2 ish.
Got up at 9, let dogs play. Went to the local market for a ham sandwich. Ran into a few that knew me and would acknowledge me. Always nice.

Went to locate a septic tank. Started probing, not the good kind. It was warmer last night standing in the poop water. Freezing air, luckily ground was just wet. Took digging three holes to find the lid, there are SO many large rocks in the yard.

Managed to get an acquaintance that has been pumping septic for me the last 20 years to swing by with his truck. Quick work to suck the tank dry. Full of roots and the pipe wasn’t flowing. Worked a shovel for a bit, then grabbed a hose. Thinking I’d use water to jet it out. Hose was froze so I used it as a probe. Took three tries hose in and all the way out, working thru the lid. Yep, bent over with my head almost inside the tank. At least it was cold and had no smell…but I got the blockages to release. They have indoor plumbing again.

Let dogs out and Went to the board meeting stinky. Got reelected anyway. Crap. She brought me ritz crackers, cheese and a coke t the meeting.
Got home at 10ish. She told me about her day, went showered and climbed in bed around midnight.

So why am I laying here listening to her snore. Still awake at 330. This still sucks. My entire life I’ve been up all night.

0-13
8
12

Thought about solo before my day got started, but I figured that would not be a motivator and a different tank needed emptied.

Sleep well world

Weekend was boring. But time ran out and I missed adding my days.

Thursday a student screwed up by getting distracted. Then didn’t tell the truth. It was obvious what happened. I got called to talk people off the cliff. Convinced everyone to wait and see what the student did.

Friday was lazy. Ice and snow. Stayed up all night. Fell asleep on the couch as she left for work at 7. Woke up at 8:30 she called said she was coming home. Fell on the ice in the parking lot. They sent everyone home.
Lots of shoveling and a bad attitude. Got a call, asked if I wanted to apply for a position. Would involve being gone 5 days off 3. Maybe 4 hours from home. Stupid money. But it is change. Different. Well, really doing the same thing, but with a boss and new people. The offer has been there for a few months, I have been ignoring it.

Asked for an opinion. She said wouldn’t be different than when you started here. Except she doesn’t have kids to move around. I asked if she would be ok with it. Silence. I guess she can’t miss me if I don’t go away.
Add one solo.

Text around midnight with a plumbing problem.

Went to sleep around 3am saturday. Was almost finished with solo when she came looking for me. Got up at 9:30. Go move a truck. Winch remote won’t work. Screwed around a few hours trying.

Come home to eat. Got a picture of poop line problem. Yippee…. Drove a few miles to look at a screwed up repair. Offered opinions. Discussed options. Left instructions and went for parts.

Got a text. Student confessed. Everyone is relieved that he came clean. Now we can discuss what and why. And everyone benefits. Their pocket book will just be lighter.

Came back, helped cut pipe. Broke the tile pipe I didn’t want to break. Dug more, cut broke part out. The new pipes are ugly, not my best work but they function. And it is freezing…

Hosed off boots before I left the site. Stripped as I entered the house. Shit clothiers straight in the washer. Up to shower.
Leftover pizza and cheesy broccoli yummy dinner.

She said I smelled like shit when I came in. Yeah, I’ve been standing in it for 5 hours…

She went to shower. I sat at the table relaxing. Got the text “will you scratch my butte”.
Her butt is better. Not near as angry. Hot wash rag, butt crotch thighs. Rubbed it with a soft towel. Grabbed the coconut oil. Rubbed it all over. A small massage. She was squirming. I thought “ I bet she is interested”. But as usual, nothing was said. No moan, grunt, comment, nothing to imply that she was interested in going further. I am positive she wanted me to make her cum. But after 100 days and 5 hours of shit work I decided I wasn’t going to move forward without any comments. Yeah…. I know. I could have got laid. I just don’t care anymore. It’s not worth it.

Is it that hard to say something? “Wow! I really like that!” “More!” “Right there!” Anything! I’d settle for Her old standard “make me cum”. Nothing. Just silence.

So I laid down. Left her pj’s at her knees. She said “what’s wrong?” I responded my back is tight. It was. Cold and shoveling and twisting pipe does wonders for an old man. She rolled over and put her ass on me. She left her pj’s down.

For years (26) pj’s meant no sex. Now she expects me to take them off her. Well, I think that is the plan, she doesn’t say. I just know it was a quiet weekend. I tried talking. Got one word answers. I don’t understand why I am not a better communicator.

So zero for 12. Even though tonight could have been. I need more than a hole to finish in.
Solo 8
Availability 11

More snow on the way.
Decisions need to be made.

In bed at 5. Slept till noon. Got up thinking I’d go have a hamburger. Then the phone rang. Somebody gad a bad day. Not terrible, no blood or death. But money will be spent. And maybe some lessons learned. That tooth till dark.

Finally stopped by work dropped off some parts. Printed some papers.

Home for leftovers and to get a salamander heater for the barn. Dropped the heater, it wouldn’t light. Then went and dropped project parts.
Found out the Part time farming is gone. They are shutting down. Lost the land. Found that out because young C asked for help today. Got him inpatient. Hope it helps.

Came back home, she was still on the phone talking work. Things are in process of change, because middle management thinks they have a good idea and are not concerned about the safety implications. I suggested mentioning that they are not even close to guessing what a bad day with their plan means. I should have kept my pie hole shut. She was pissed cause you can’t say death will happen on a large scale. Hope it never does.

And with that…..
0-9
0 solo added cause I’m just that pissed. So still 7
Availability would be 8 if I could just keep my mouth shut.

Kickin them down like candy.
It just keeps coming doesn’t it. Smashmouth was right..

This is not healthy. I say it every year to myself. Up alone all night is not mentally good for anyone. Especially when there is a human next to you, but an alone in a hotel room is warmer and not as lonely.

Asleep around 5. Phone rang at 9, woke up at 10, moving at 11. My life is just a broken record. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Got nothing done today. Fried chicken for lunch, treated one of the regulars to subway cause they asked. Went to work. Moved some tools, put company vehicles away. Grabbed some of my equipment and work boots in case we get more snow.
S keeps calling. I am ignoring. I know you want your parts.

She was very excited about her new vehicle, happy it is quiet and has remote start. Yea.

She cooked beans/corn salsa and shredded chicken for tacos. It was ok. Ate alone cause it was 6:30. There was a ball game on.
Took cat litter to the barn, then went and removed a screw and ballast weights. 13.6. More than I thought they would weigh. Plan is to Clean them up and reinstall with a placard for weight. Someday. I am just glad the stuck screw finally came out.
Posted pictures of the weights, lots of responses “that’s not normal.” Great. Of course that’s the answer. Keep looking for more issues.
Thought about doing the paperwork that is behind…. Not happening.

No change in the primary stat. 0-8
Added two to solo numbers late last night and tonight. Does that make 7?
Still just 1 unavailable day so far. Ice canceled the two that were planned this week.

Chin-up! It could be worse. It could be raining…

And what is behind door number 2? A NEW CAR! That’s right Bob! A full size big just what she wanted automobile! Maybe she will be happy now.
I mean it’s just 84 payments…

Oh well. Stayed up to late slept till 11. Work canceled. Ice prevents work sometimes. Bought a car. Life is.

Helped cook soup for dinner. It was pretty good.
Did paperwork on a my part time project. Played stupid internet game.

0-7 don’t really see that changing. And it isn’t really sex I desire. It is human contact that I crave. Sex is just the easiest way to describe it. And the only way she will provide.
Plus 1 solo late last night. Think that’s 5.
0-6 availability.

Another in the bag. Asleep at 3 up at 8 at dr’s 9. Of course they are closed, no call or text to cancel.
Oh well went to work. And got cheated out of pot roast for lunch…. Bad weather keeping it down.
Talked to boss, chased birds around. Called looking for parts.

Stop at store for basic groceries. Cook noodles androast leftovers.
She is not happy we did not get the car picked up today. Didn’t matter they were closed.

Normal changes in the count.
Plus 1 solo

Another one done.
I started but gave up last night after I logged out. Decided I didn’t care to finish.
Asleep around 6 up at 1030. Freezing rain. Yippee.
Made a burrito then went out and shoveled paths for the water to drain and cleaned 2 inches of ice from all the vehicles. Cold and wet. But I accomplished something.
She watched tv and did some laundry all day. I didn’t.
After I warmed up I went out again and make more paths. Only Ice remained the water drained as I expected. Someone else thought I was wasting my time.
Did some research on repairs and ordered parts.
Came upstairs around midnight, rubbed one out before I showered.
So the count is
0-5
3 solo
Available count was off the other day, I forgot day 2 was an unwell day. So 4 of 5

Back to work tomorrow. Another day of life.

4 is done…. Great way to wake up. Phone ringing “I smell gas”. No I did not fart. Get dressed run down. Stove left on not lit. Power vent house. Make sure cats are fed, light pellet stove, go have a sandwich.

Drive an hour to look at cars. Test drive two. Pick one. “We should get the cheep one.” But you want a sun roof…. Nope I’ll do without. Great. Go back Monday and pick it up, finance gal was gone. Drive home. Get dog food, and wood pellets and gas detector.

Eat leftovers, watch end of basketball game. Get insulted for eating cream cheese on bagel chips. Ok it was really about the cottage cheese I tried to eat earlier. Pain is good. Sit at the table till 1, take a shower lay in bed till 4. Type this up.
Score 0-4
Available 4
Solo 2 maybe I’ll add 1 more (still not sleepy)

Rough day. Asleep around 3 up at 5 at work before 6.
Florida South Carolina tennasee. 7 hours working home by 6.
Leftovers. Talk of cars. Bed. Thought I will type in a minute, after I rub one off.
I was awakened at 9 yelling from the h away to get moving.
0-4.
Availability maybe. But I was to tired to care
Solo, yes on day 2, failed myself