Virgin Mary was sleepin'
When Angel Gabriel appeared
He said, "You are to be the virgin mother."
But Mary thought that was weird.
Mary said, "I'm not a virgin.
I blew a guy last year."
But then Gabriel said to Mary,
"My child, have no fear."

Oh, you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
And still not be considered flawed.
Although you went to town and sucked some semen down,
You're still a virgin in the eyes of God.

There was no room at the inn
When Mary and Joseph did arrive.
But they were so very tired, you see,
And Mary had to offer a bribe.
Since she had no money,
How would she pay for a place to sleep?
Gabriel appeared to Mary
And told her not to weep.

'Cause you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
And still be the mother of Christ.
If there's no room at the inn, then it's not considered a sin
To suck some dick to get a room for the night!

Then, three wise men did appear
Bearing gifts of myrrh and such
They said that they had followed a star
And missed a woman's touch
Mary thought she might pleasure them
But could not take them to bed.
But again, Gabriel appeared to her
And this is what he said:

"You can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
You can suck all the dick you want
Every one that hangs in the nation.
Fellatio ain't no sin. Go on and blow those Three Wise Men
And you'll still be a virgin 'cause there was no penetration!

So, you can suck all the dick you want
And still be a virgin, Mary.
The donkey and the ox and the lambs
And even the little drummer boy
People will remember your name quick. They'll say "Damn, that bitch could suck a good dick!"
'Cause sucking dick brings peace on Earth and joy.

My friend Sandra hosts a massive Halloween party each year. She really goes all out. One might think she's Wiccan or something like that. She left a message on my cell phone urging me not to miss it this year (I bowed out last year) because she says I have the best costumes.

My date and I always have complementary costumes. Usually politically incorrect, and always more imaginative than vampires. And why am I planning Halloween in the middle of summer, you ask? It takes a while for me to come up with an idea and then make the costumes.

In the past, I've done Priest & Pregnant Nun, Priest & Alter Boy, Farmer & Sheep (the sheep costume took MONTHS to design and sew). One of the easiest themes were Hannibal Lecter and Clarise Starling. But the face mask was expensive. It was made from hand hammered aluminum.

This year, I've decided to do... Hasidic Jew and Nazi SS Officer. Mazel Tov!

Somehow I found myself in a conversation with a Catholic priest. I'm an atheist, so you'd think it would be a rather short convo. But the guy seemed worldly, made a lot of sense, and didn't bring up God too much.

Later in our discussion, it did steer toward reproductive rights. He simply said that it is Catholic belief that life begins at conception and the women who choose to terminate their pregnancies are murderesses.

I said, "Father, it is your belief that life begins at conception. So it doesn't matter if a woman aborts in the first trimester or has a late term partial birth abortion. She's a murderer just the same, right?"

He nervously agreed with me.

"So," I continued. "If a woman made up her mind to kill her fetus, wouldn't it make more sense to do it in the ninth month, so as to get the maximum value out of her mortal sin?"